Sources: Barack Obama is Way Cooler Than You Are

WASHINGTON - Sources and experts across the nation reached a unanimous conclusion on Saturday: Barack Obama is way cooler than you are.

Professor Mike Gomez of Stanford University, a cultural anthropologist specializing in the history of coolness, said in an interview: "Oh, please. He's definitely cooler than you."

Gomez's opinion was echoed by tastemakers, bloggers, and celebrities across the nation, all of whom expounded on the breadth and depth of Obama's coolness.

Recognized cool person Samuel L. Jackson said, "The glasses, the speeches, the daps... That mother-[expletive] is [expletive] way [expletive] cooler than your [expletive] ass.

Sources in the Republican party differed with Jackson's assessment, noting that obedience to the Lord is the only path to cool.

Youth Pastor George Mitchell said, "Righteousness? Cool. Abstinence? Way cool. Getting jiggy with your brothers and sisters in Christ? Friggin coolio my homies."

When reached for a quote, the Obama camp downplayed the effect Obama's coolness would have on the general election. In a statement, campaign manager David Ploufe wrote, "We prefer to focus on the issues in this campaign, and we trust the American people not to get caught up in a schoolyard contest to see who is the coolest."

Sources unanimously deemed the Obama's denial of coolness extremely cool.