Hillary Clinton Announces Plans to "Drop Out.....side for a walk."

WASHINGTON - Speaking to reporters in the wake of John Edwards' endorsement of rival Barack Obama on Wednesday, Hillary Clinton announced that she plans to "drop out.....side for a walk."

"It's been a long campaign," Senator Clinton said. "And after careful consideration of Senator Obama's insurmountable lead and the will of the Democratic Party, I've decided to formally leave the ra....king to Bill from now on."

Senator Clinton then fell into a hysterical laughing fit. "Did I fool you? Huh? Ha ha! I'm never dropping out, you jackasses!"

Clinton campaign advisor Terry McAuliffe, staring at a memo of prepared talking points stressing that only white voters from Appalachian Counties over the age of 65 making less than $40,000 should be counted, was overheard muttering to an aide, "Do I really have to read this shit?"
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McAuliffe later argued to CNN correspondent Wolf Blitzer that Appalachian voters are the only true Americans. Noticeably slurring, McAulliffe said, "Wolf, if they voted Clinton, they're real. If they didn't... well, they can go [expletive] themselves, am I right?"

"Woooooolf," McAuliffe said. "Woooooooooooolf! That name is so badass. Why are you such a freaking nerd?"

When reached for comment, Senator Obama welcomed Senator Clinton's announcement.

"I would like to thank Senator Clinton for a hard fought campaign, and after great thought I would like to extend her the office of Vice-Pres....just kidding there's no way in hell that's happening."

Hillary Clinton: "Tide Is Turning," Expects to Win Democratic Presidential Primary By 2013

WASHINGTON - After besting Barack Obama by 9 points in Pennsylvania's Democratic primary, Hillary Clinton declared to a crowd of ten supporters on Wednesday, "The tide is turning. By 2013 I expect to have overtaken Barack Obama and I will be thrilled to take on John McCain's corpse in the general election!"

In a seemingly interminable primary battle that has left both candidates bruised and battered, Clinton's victory in Pennsylvania did not seem to alter the fundamentals of the Democratic primary or Barack Obama's insurmountable lead in pledged delegates and the popular vote.

According to Clinton advisors, this overlooks some key fundamentals of the race.

"You've got it all wrong," said Clinton advisor Terry McAuliffe. "2008 doesn't count."

Clinton advisors point to her victories in "big states that count" such as California, New Jersey, New York and Pennsylvania as evidence she can eventually beat Obama given enough time and do-overs, while dismissing Obama's victories in Illinois, South Carolina, Missouri, Virginia and Maryland. They feel that Clinton's support among the minority of Democratic voters who matter makes the case that Clinton can be the best Democratic candidate to lose to John McCain.

"Who better to lose to McCain than me?" Clinton declared. "I am the only candidate who can bring America together and unify the Democratic party to vote against me in the Fall."

Obama campaign manager David Plouffe said Wednesday that he increasingly feels that he is trapped in a bad zombie movie.

"I wake up every morning thinking people are going to finally admit she's dead and this race is over. And every day I open up the newspaper she's got a new zinger about Barack that's not even remotely funny. I mean, look at this one today: 'It's a long road to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, and it runs right through the heart of Pennsylvania.' I mean, seriously. Who writes this shit? Carrot Top?"

According to Bill Clinton, Hillary has not yet begun to lose.

"Hillary is a fighter," Clinton said. "She can go down in flames with the best of them. Remember '94 after the health care debacle? Ha ha! We had to lock her in the basement she was so radioactive."

When A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words

Things Hillary Clinton Would Do To Become President

In order to become President, Hillary Clinton would...

- undergo torture
- slip Dick Cheney the tongue
- eat hair out of the shower drain
- sit on a porcupine
- invent a fictitious black grandparent
- swim across the Arctic ocean
- become a Republican
- become a Libertarian
- become a Socialist
- become a Communist
- become a Whig
- try out for American Idol
- shoot herself in the forearm
- bear the child of a Superdelegate
- sell Chelsea to gypsies
- eat a banana peel
- iron your shirt
- step on a rusty nail
- sleep with Fidel Castro
- watch "Gigli" on loop for four days
- pour acid on her skin
- attempt to escape actual sniper fire by Bosnian militants with no running start
- shave her eyebrows
- disavow pantsuits
- stare down an angry rhinoceros
- admit that perhaps she might have sort of conditionally been a hair of a smidge wrong for voting for the Iraq war but really only kinda sort of wrong if you look at it from the right perspective and take into account the facts of the time which were not at all straightforward and really hypothetically if she had been president at the time she not only would have not made the same decision she might not have even been partly wrong about the fact that she voted incorrectly that is to say if her vote was incorrect in the first place given the facts on the ground at the time and actually if you want to get technical about it she was not president and was only a senator making a potentially and possibly ill-advised vote if you want to look at it in that fashion but really it was not that kind of a vote
- clip Rush Limbaugh's toenails
- become a Wiccan
- stand in line at Target to get you a Wii
- donate both kidneys
- eat nothing but Big Macs for two months
- fire a shotgun at reporters to demonstrate love of 2nd Amendment
- release her tax records
- lie down in a busy intersection
- walk 500 miles
- work as a rodeo clown
- be an actress in a Herpes medication ad
- agree to be bitten by a rattlesnake
- walk naked through Baghdad
- cry
- join The View
- kick Howard Dean in the nuts
- change her last name to Bush
- start her own country
- hike across the Gobi desert with no water
- smash a beer bottle over her head
- become Obama's Vice-President, then murder him
- sell her soul to anyone buying
- marry Bill Clinton

Hillary Clinton and John McCain Announce Plans To Fuse Bodies To Create Unstoppable Monster-President To Attack Obama

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Sensing the danger posed by Barack Obama's comments about Pennsylvania's bitter voters being "bitter," presidential candidates Hillary Clinton and John McCain jointly denounced Obama's comments and revealed that they will soon undergo extensive surgery to fuse their bodies.

John McCain expressed great anticipation for the procedure, which will create an unprecedented single candidate comprised of shared flesh.

"I've long admired Senator Clinton's attacks on Senator Obama, and I look forward to joining our minds in a literal sense," McCain said.

"Plus, I've always wondered what it would feel like to have boobs."

After McCain and Clinton offered remarkably similar statements in response to Obama's truth-telling gaffe, Clinton followed up with a statement in which she expressed an appreciation for gun rights and church-going. At that point, the campaigns decided that it made strategic sense to form a bodily alliance that would jointly attack Obama with one mouth created out of fused tissue.

Clinton reportedly will change her party affiliation to Republican upon completion of the procedure.

Philadelphian surgeon Frank Templeton will perform the surgery, and looks forward to joining the two presidential candidates, who have repeatedly expressed admiration for one another while denigrating Obama.

"This is an unprecedented opportunity to join two minds and bodies, and who better to volunteer for this procedure than McCain and Clinton," Templeton said. "The only drawback that I anticipate is that the resulting conjoined body will be incredibly ugly."

Obama campaign manager David Plouffe dismissed suggestions that a so-called John McClinton humanbeast will be a more formidable foe in November.

"No way," Plouffe said. "Obama will still win."

"Although I think I speak for most Americans when I say that we're all a little horrified."

Hillary Clinton in particular is thrilled by the prospect of combining her biographical narrative with McCain's.

"Now I will honestly be able to say I have dodged sniper fire. And I've been tortured. Dear God, I've been tortured! Is that fantastic or what?"

Is It Because I'm White?

Insanometer March 11, 2008: cool and invisible, like a jumping grasshopper in Dick Cheney's bunker

"Any time anybody does anything that in any way pulls this campaign down and says let's address reality and the problems we're facing in this world, you're accused of being racist, so you have to shut up. Racism works in two different directions. I really think they're attacking me because I'm white. How's that?"

- John McCa..... Oh. My bad. That was Clinton supporter Geraldine Ferraro.

McCain, I'm watching you.