Ask John McCain: Vetting Sarah Palin

Dear John,

Um. Did you vet this insane person from Alaska?

Dear Doofus. Blah blah blah blah blah. I'm a vet, moron. What in the hell did I need another vet on the ticket for? Let me tell you what I did need. Someone who could tell you where to stick a whale harpoon. Bah. This is a lady who knows her way around a moose. I think America is going to like her.

Dear John,

Are they going to put Sarah Palin's uterus in the Smithsonian when she dies?

Ha! That's a good one. I'll have to tell that one to Lieberman. Let me tell you something about Sarah Palin: she has five children and she knows where they came from, if you know what I mean. Heh heh. Well, at least she knows where four of them came from. Don't know about that last one. I've heard some wild stories about that one. Probably fake. I'll tell you one thing, Rove never faked a pregnancy. He might have if he had lady parts though.

Dear John,

Is Cindybot going to be jealous that you're consorting with another beauty queen?

I sure know how to pick the broads, don't I? Heh heh. But the answer is no. Cindy is my wife. How in the hell am I going to eat without her? I wouldn't be counting houses that's for damn sure. She has me by the balls. Should have signed a prenup. And worn a rubber. That's a lesson for all you Cub Scouts out there.

Ask John McCain: Flip Flops

Dear John,

You were tortured. Everyone thinks you're anti-torture. Tell me again why you voted against a ban on torture?

You know I haven't had a normal piss in thirty-five years? How come they never tell you this crap when you're young? Golden years my ass. More like burnt amber. I would have savored every goddamn piss I had when I was young if I would have known I'd have to stand at a urinal for five minutes someday before I could squeeze out a drop. Bah. When I was a kid I used to be able to piss farther than all of my friends. Big graceful arc. Those were the days. Now I have to watch out for my shoes.

Dear John,

Your list of flip-flops is...... really long. To put it mildly. How come you can't keep your positions straight?

You know what the problem with women is? They're women. Ha. My old man told me that joke. Women are women and that's the problem. Can't drive either. Course I wouldn't be with a male you understand. Not my style. Sure, a few times I wondered what life would be like if some of my buddies had lady parts. Might make watching football more enjoyable.

Dear John,

You have an amazing tendency to say you've never said something only you said it like two days before. What in the hell, man?

Cindy, what was that guy's name who told me that one thing? Oh yeah. So I was hanging out with Strom Thurmond, and he said to his mistress, ah.... he said to his mistress.... uh... don't interrupt me! Let me tell this story. So he said, "I liked you better when you were my wife." Wait. No. "I liked you better when you weren't my wife." Something like that. What a great story. Those were the days.

Ask John McCain: The Tough Questions

Dear John,

I'm against torture. I think it harms our standing in the world, it's morally wrong, and that's not what America stands for. You yourself was tortured, but why did you vote to uphold the CIA's use of torture?

A donut is not a donut unless it has sprinkles on it. Show me a donut without sprinkles. What does it look like? A goddamn bagel, that's what. What do you want me to do with a donut without sprinkles? Put cream cheese on it? Bah. A bagel is a donut that doesn't taste good. And I'm not eating it. Goddamn bagels. They were probably invented by terrorists.

Dear John,

You say you're against special interests in politics, and yet many people on your campaign staff are lobbyists and there is evidence of influence-peddling within your so-called Reform Institute. What say you?

You know how old I was when World War II ended? I was nine years old. Those were the days. No television, none of that rap music... We knew how to entertain ourselves. We played kick the can. Ha! You ever play kick the can? What a great game. There was this can, and then you hid, but then you had to kick the can to set the people in jail free. Now that's a real game. I loved kicking that goddamn can. No kid who played kick the can ever became a terrorist, I can tell you that much. Or a Commie. We didn't let girls play either.

Dear John,

You have suggested that Barack Obama is elitist, and yet your wife is a beer heiress worth millions. I'm also pretty sure she's a robot. How can you call Obama elitist when you're not exactly hurting for dough?

The damn thing won't go. I double-clicked it!! Where in the hell is that damn e-mail? Son?!! Get in here! Help me work this damn computer! No, look. I put in the CD, and now my e-mail is lost. I'm telling you that's what happened. No goddamn it I did not close out, whatever the hell that means. I put in the CD, it erased my e-mail. It's this goddamn stupid computer. CRIMENY. How hard it is to make a computer that works? You think Thomas Edison would have stood for this crap? Oh. There it is. How did you do that? What? What in the hell is a drafts folder? I'm going to kill this machine.

Ask John McCain: Public Health Issues

Dear John,

Last year when someone asked you if you thought condoms helped prevent AIDS you said you were "stumped." I assume you have since had some time to Wikipedia this. What do you think about it now?

The hell with all this condom flimflam! You know what's wrong with you young people? All you care about is sex. Sex sex sex! Goddamn depraved heathens. Course I don't mind the ladies showing a little leg, you understand. I chased some tail when I was a young buck. Condoms. Bah. You're a bunch of ninnies. In my day we took our crabs like men.

Dear John,

Today Elizabeth Edwards pointed out that YOU wouldn't be covered by your own health care plan since you have preexisting melanoma. What do you have to say to her?

What the hell do I need health insurance for, I'm running for president! Here, son. Look. Feel this bicep. No, I want you to. What the hell are you scared of, feel my goddamn arm! There. You feel that? Isn't that the bicep of a 60 year old? This body is a finely tuned machine. Here. Punch me in the stomach. Punch me in the stomach! Ah. You know, I could really kick some ass in my day.

Dear "Babykiller" McCain,

HUMAN LIFE IS PRECIOUS. Why are you in favor of stem cell research you baby cell killer!!! You know who goes to hell? People who support stem cell research!!! God is in every cell!!!! You're going to hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jesus Christ these people are nuts. Hey Lieberman, is it too late for me to become a Democrat? Lieberman??? LIEBERMAN! Oh there you are, why didn't you.... what the... why are you all wet? Did you wet the bed again? DID YOU WET THE BED AGAIN?? Damn it, Lieberman, you're washing those sheets!

What a pussy.

Please e-mail your questions for John McCain to mccainisinsane at gmail dot com!

Ask John McCain

Dear John,

I've been married for five years, but I'm starting to wonder if I made the right choice. I met a great woman through work, and we really hit it off. Now I'm starting to question everything. What should I do?

You know another thing I hate about jazz? Improvisation. What horseshit. What, you can't take the time to write some notes down on a piece of paper? No ink in your damn pen? In my day they wrote down the freaking music. You can't write music on the page? Don't play it! Don't give me any of this inspiration crap. You want to be inspired? Go to church. I've had enough of that improvisation garbage. Liberal claptrap. I'll tell you where you can stick your saxophone.

Dear John,

My boss doesn't really appreciate the work I do, and I'm thinking I need to change careers. Do you have any advice for someone who is looking for a new job?

I. DRINK. YOUR. MILKSHAKE!!! Ha! Did you see that movie? Daniel Day Lewis is a great American. There is this part in the... well, I didn't actually see the movie. One of my interns told me about this thing on the Internet called You Too. Anyway, on this You Too you can watch movies and things and there's this part in some movie where Daniel Day Lewis says I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE and he says it just this way.... ah. You have to see it. I wish I could have been an actor. I'd be Daniel Day Lewis. I DRINK YOU MILKSHAKE! I DRINK IT!! What a great movie.

Dear John,

I'm against the war in Iraq. I don't think we're doing any good there and I think we should bring our troops home. We just can't sustain a war there and it's time we worked toward a peaceful resolution. How do you suggest we end this prolonged conflict?

You know what city I hate? New York. What a bunch of commies. You ever been in a subway? Bunch of garbage. I'd rather be in goddamn Hanoi. And the rats, they remind me of Democrats. Well, except the time I thought about being a Democrat, then they reminded me of Republicans. The sewers! You know I hear they have alligators down there. I could probably take an alligator. Might need a gun though. Anyway, New York is a terrible place. No Americans there. I'll take Phoenix any day.

Please e-mail your questions for John McCain to mccainisinsane at gmail dot com!