Hillary Clinton: "Tide Is Turning," Expects to Win Democratic Presidential Primary By 2013

WASHINGTON - After besting Barack Obama by 9 points in Pennsylvania's Democratic primary, Hillary Clinton declared to a crowd of ten supporters on Wednesday, "The tide is turning. By 2013 I expect to have overtaken Barack Obama and I will be thrilled to take on John McCain's corpse in the general election!"

In a seemingly interminable primary battle that has left both candidates bruised and battered, Clinton's victory in Pennsylvania did not seem to alter the fundamentals of the Democratic primary or Barack Obama's insurmountable lead in pledged delegates and the popular vote.

According to Clinton advisors, this overlooks some key fundamentals of the race.

"You've got it all wrong," said Clinton advisor Terry McAuliffe. "2008 doesn't count."

Clinton advisors point to her victories in "big states that count" such as California, New Jersey, New York and Pennsylvania as evidence she can eventually beat Obama given enough time and do-overs, while dismissing Obama's victories in Illinois, South Carolina, Missouri, Virginia and Maryland. They feel that Clinton's support among the minority of Democratic voters who matter makes the case that Clinton can be the best Democratic candidate to lose to John McCain.

"Who better to lose to McCain than me?" Clinton declared. "I am the only candidate who can bring America together and unify the Democratic party to vote against me in the Fall."

Obama campaign manager David Plouffe said Wednesday that he increasingly feels that he is trapped in a bad zombie movie.

"I wake up every morning thinking people are going to finally admit she's dead and this race is over. And every day I open up the newspaper she's got a new zinger about Barack that's not even remotely funny. I mean, look at this one today: 'It's a long road to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, and it runs right through the heart of Pennsylvania.' I mean, seriously. Who writes this shit? Carrot Top?"

According to Bill Clinton, Hillary has not yet begun to lose.

"Hillary is a fighter," Clinton said. "She can go down in flames with the best of them. Remember '94 after the health care debacle? Ha ha! We had to lock her in the basement she was so radioactive."