Dear John,
Last year when someone asked you if you thought condoms helped prevent AIDS you said you were "stumped." I assume you have since had some time to Wikipedia this. What do you think about it now?
The hell with all this condom flimflam! You know what's wrong with you young people? All you care about is sex. Sex sex sex! Goddamn depraved heathens. Course I don't mind the ladies showing a little leg, you understand. I chased some tail when I was a young buck. Condoms. Bah. You're a bunch of ninnies. In my day we took our crabs like men.
Dear John,
Today Elizabeth Edwards pointed out that YOU wouldn't be covered by your own health care plan since you have preexisting melanoma. What do you have to say to her?
What the hell do I need health insurance for, I'm running for president! Here, son. Look. Feel this bicep. No, I want you to. What the hell are you scared of, feel my goddamn arm! There. You feel that? Isn't that the bicep of a 60 year old? This body is a finely tuned machine. Here. Punch me in the stomach. Punch me in the stomach! Ah. You know, I could really kick some ass in my day.
Dear "Babykiller" McCain,
HUMAN LIFE IS PRECIOUS. Why are you in favor of stem cell research you baby cell killer!!! You know who goes to hell? People who support stem cell research!!! God is in every cell!!!! You're going to hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jesus Christ these people are nuts. Hey Lieberman, is it too late for me to become a Democrat? Lieberman??? LIEBERMAN! Oh there you are, why didn't you.... what the... why are you all wet? Did you wet the bed again? DID YOU WET THE BED AGAIN?? Damn it, Lieberman, you're washing those sheets!
What a pussy.
Please e-mail your questions for John McCain to mccainisinsane at gmail dot com!
Monday, March 31, 2008
Ask John McCain: Public Health Issues
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Intern Joe Endorses John McCain, Sesame Street, Not Being a Democrat
Gee willakers everybody! Well I had no idea that folks would get real upset if I compared my buddy John McCain to JFK. Why, they have the same first name! And I coulda sworn JFK was a Republican! Plus, John and JFK both fought in World War II so they have that in common and John McCain was even tortured by the Italians so you know he's REAL tough.
And now people are saying mean things about me because I ran for president as a Democrat and now today I said they're hyper-- hyper--- hyper.. part.. ti... san. Hyperpartisan. I learned that word on Sesame Street! I don't know what it means but it sounds super bad. I don't like those meanie Democrats ever since George Bush kissed me at the State of the Union address. Swoon! What a cutiepatootie.
Anyway, I'm here to tell you about why my buddy John McCain would be the bestest president since George W. Bush, who I HEART, and even though he wouldn't be as superduper as Reagan I think he'll be gooder than those meanie Democrats.
Here's why I think John McCain is the best guy ever. When I was voting for the war in Iraq (FYI Osama bin Laden used to be the president there), a bunch of meanie Democrats called me some real bad names like "traitor" and "turncoat" even though by golly I've never even turned any coats in my life!! Well my buddy John McCain got real mad at them and he threw a telephone at Harry Reid and told them to pick on someone their own size and since no one is shorter than me that means no one.
WOW. I'd never even HEARD some of the curse words John said that day.
So now John McCain and I are the BESTEST buddies. He lets me polish his shoes and take out his trash and spoon feed him his fruit sauces (John says solid food makes him constiflated), and I just think he's a wonderful man. Yesterday John said he might even make me his Vice President! Isn't that nice?
Oops. That's all the time we have for today! Intern Joe signing off.
E-mail your questions for Intern Joe at mccainisinsane at gmail dot com
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Ask John McCain
Dear John,
I've been married for five years, but I'm starting to wonder if I made the right choice. I met a great woman through work, and we really hit it off. Now I'm starting to question everything. What should I do?
You know another thing I hate about jazz? Improvisation. What horseshit. What, you can't take the time to write some notes down on a piece of paper? No ink in your damn pen? In my day they wrote down the freaking music. You can't write music on the page? Don't play it! Don't give me any of this inspiration crap. You want to be inspired? Go to church. I've had enough of that improvisation garbage. Liberal claptrap. I'll tell you where you can stick your saxophone.
Dear John,
My boss doesn't really appreciate the work I do, and I'm thinking I need to change careers. Do you have any advice for someone who is looking for a new job?
I. DRINK. YOUR. MILKSHAKE!!! Ha! Did you see that movie? Daniel Day Lewis is a great American. There is this part in the... well, I didn't actually see the movie. One of my interns told me about this thing on the Internet called You Too. Anyway, on this You Too you can watch movies and things and there's this part in some movie where Daniel Day Lewis says I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE and he says it just this way.... ah. You have to see it. I wish I could have been an actor. I'd be Daniel Day Lewis. I DRINK YOU MILKSHAKE! I DRINK IT!! What a great movie.
Dear John,
I'm against the war in Iraq. I don't think we're doing any good there and I think we should bring our troops home. We just can't sustain a war there and it's time we worked toward a peaceful resolution. How do you suggest we end this prolonged conflict?
You know what city I hate? New York. What a bunch of commies. You ever been in a subway? Bunch of garbage. I'd rather be in goddamn Hanoi. And the rats, they remind me of Democrats. Well, except the time I thought about being a Democrat, then they reminded me of Republicans. The sewers! You know I hear they have alligators down there. I could probably take an alligator. Might need a gun though. Anyway, New York is a terrible place. No Americans there. I'll take Phoenix any day.
Please e-mail your questions for John McCain to mccainisinsane at gmail dot com!
McCain's Flip Flops (the definitive tally)
John McCain has had a bewildering array of positions, often on the same issues. This post will be regularly updated as new positions come to light. Keep checking back, and please e-mail us with tips (mccainisinsane at gmail dot com).
UPDATED 8/31/08
John McCain: "In all due respect to my colleagues, they’re drinking the Kool-Aid that somehow I have changed positions on the issues."
Torture
BEFORE
McCain 11/16/07: "One of the things that kept us going when I was in prison in North Vietnam was that we knew that if the situation were reversed, that we would not be doing to our captors what they were doing to us"
"I want to tell you. Rudy Giuliani, Fred Thompson and Mitt Romney all think it is O.K. They have one thing in common. They don’t understand the military and the culture of this nation. If they did, they could never condone such behavior." [NY Times]
AFTER
McCain votes against a ban on CIA torture. [NY Times]
Special Interests
BEFORE
McCain: "I'm the only one special interests don't give any money to." [YouTube]
AFTER
McCain's campaign manager and many key campaign officials are telecom lobbyists, who have given at least $765,000 to his campaign (and that's just one special interest) [USA Today]
Campaign Finance Laws
BEFORE
McCain author of McCain Feingold amendment, limiting use of soft money in campaigns. [Wikipedia]
AFTER
3/21/08: McCain likely in violation of campaign finance laws. [WashPost]
Jerry Falwell
BEFORE
McCain 2/28/2000: "I am a pro-life, pro-family fiscal conservative, an advocate of a strong defense, and yet Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell and a few Washington leaders of the pro-life movement call me an unacceptable presidential candidate. They distort my pro- life positions and smear the reputations of my supporters. Why? Because I don't pander to them, because I don't ascribe to their failed philosophy that money is our message."
McCain 2/29/2000: calls Robertson and Falwell "agents of intolerance." [IHT]
AFTER
McCain gives commencement speech at Falwell's Liberty University, cozies up to Falwell. [ABC]
Iraq
BEFORE
McCain 9/29/02: “We’re not going to get into house-to-house fighting in Baghdad. We may have to take out buildings, but we’re not going to have a bloodletting of trading American bodies for Iraqi bodies.”
McCain 1/22/03: “But the point is that, one, we will win this conflict. We will win it easily.” [ThinkProgress]
AFTER
McCain: 1/4/07: "When I voted to support this war, I knew it was probably going to be long and hard and tough, and those that voted for it and thought that somehow it was going to be some kind of an easy task, then I’m sorry they were mistaken. Maybe they didn’t know what they were voting for." [ThinkProgress]
Abortion
BEFORE
McCain 8/24/99: "But certainly in the short term, or even the long term, I would not support repeal of Roe v. Wade, which would then force X number of women in America to [undergo] illegal and dangerous operations." [WashPost]
AFTER
McCain 2/18/07: "I do not support Roe versus Wade. It should be overturned" [MSNBC]
Bush's tax cuts
BEFORE
McCain 5/26/01: "I cannot in good conscience support a tax cut in which so many of the benefits go to the most fortunate among us, at the expense of middle class Americans who most need tax relief." [McCain's Senate website]
AFTER
In 2006 McCain votes to extend Bush tax cuts [MediaMatters]
Ethanol [hat tip Carpetbagger]
BEFORE
McCain 11/03: "Ethanol is a product that would not exist if Congress didn't create an artificial market for it. No one would be willing to buy it. Yet thanks to agricultural subsidies and ethanol producer subsidies, it is now a very big business - tens of billions of dollars that have enriched a handful of corporate interests - primarily one big corporation, ADM. Ethanol does nothing to reduce fuel consumption, nothing to increase our energy independence, nothing to improve air quality." [CNN]
AFTER
McCain 8/06: "I support ethanol and I think it is a vital, a vital alternative energy source not only because of our dependency on foreign oil but its greenhouse gas reduction effects." [CNN]
Gay Marriage [hat tip anon]
Well, just watch:
Confederate Flag [hat tip The Real McCain]
BEFORE
McCain 1/12/00: "Personally, I see the flag as symbol of heritage."
AFTER
McCain 4/19/00: "I feared that if I answered honestly, I could not win the South Carolina primary. So I chose to compromise my principles." [CNN]
Gun control
BEFORE
In 2001, McCain and Lieberman introduce legislation to regulate gun shows. [HuffPo]
AFTER
McCain 4/19/07: "I strongly support the Second Amendment and I believe the Second Amendment ought to be preserved, which means no gun control" [WashPost]
Moqtada al Sadr [hat tip Think Progress]
BEFORE
McCain week of 3/16/08: "His influence has been on the wane for a long time." [CNN via Think Progress]
AFTER
4/1/08: "I said he was still major player and his influence is going to have to be reduced and gradually eliminated." [CNN via Think Progress]
Housing Relief
BEFORE
March 2008: "It is not the duty of government to bail out and reward those who act irresponsibly, whether they are big banks or small borrowers." [NY Times]
AFTER
4/11/08: "Let me make it clear, that in these challenging times, I am committed to using all the resources of this government and great nation to create opportunity and make sure that every deserving American has a good job and can achieve their American dream." [NY Times
The Press and Hillary
BEFORE
"The media often overlooked how compassionately [Hillary Clinton] spoke to the concerns and dreams of millions of Americans.”
AFTER
“I did not [say that]."
[Think Progress]
The Estate Tax
BEFORE
"I am concerned that repeal of the estate tax would provide massive benefits solely to the wealthiest and highest-income taxpayers in the country. A Treasury Department study found that almost no estate tax has been paid by lower- and middle-income taxpayers. But taxes have been paid on the estates of people who were in the highest 20% of the income distribution at the time of their death. It found that 91% of all estate taxes are paid by the estates of people whose annual income exceeded $190,000 around the time of their death."
AFTER
"Another of my disagreements with Senator Obama concerns the estate tax, which he proposes to increase to a top rate of 55 percent. The estate tax is one of the most unfair tax laws on the books, and the first step to reform is to keep it predictable and keep it low."
[Matthew Yglesias]
Wiretaps
BEFORE
"There are some areas where the statutes don’t apply, such as in the surveillance of overseas communications. Where they do apply, however, I think that presidents have the obligation to obey and enforce laws that are passed by Congress and signed into law by the president, no matter what the situation is."
AFTER
McCain spokesman: "Neither the administration nor the telecoms need apologize for actions that most people, except for the A.C.L.U. and trial lawyers, understand were constitutional and appropriate in the wake of the attacks on Sept. 11, 2001,”
[NY Times]
Immigration Reform
#1
BEFORE
McCain introduces bill on immigration reform.
AFTER
January 30, 2008, when asked if he would vote for his own bill: ""No, I would not, because we know what the situation is today. The people want the borders secured first.""
[MediaMatters]
#2
BEFORE
May 22, 2008: "[We must enact comprehensive immigration reform. We must make it a top agenda item if we don’t do it before, and we probably won’t, a little straight talk, as of January 2009."
AFTER
National Review: "Team McCain tells me the senator’s comments were poorly worded. There’s been no discussion within the campaign of altering their stance on illegal immigration, and as far as everyone on the campaign is concerned, the policy is still, ’secure the border first.’"
[Think Progress]
Offshore drilling
BEFORE
1999 campaign: McCain opposes offshore drilling
AFTER
McCain 6/15/08: ""There are areas off our coasts that should be open to exploration and exploitation, and I hope we can take the first step by lifting the moratoria."
[MotherJones]
Hurricane Katrina investigations
BEFORE
2006: McCain opposes commission to study government's response to Hurricane Katrina.
[LA Times]
AFTER
McCain 6/4/08: "I’ve supported every investigation and ways of finding out what caused the tragedy."
[Think Progress]
Guantanamo
BEFORE
2005: "I think, on balance, the argument has got to be--the weight of evidence has got to be that we've got to adjudicate these people's cases, and that means that if it means releasing some of them, you'll have to release them."
AFTER
Following 2008 Supreme Court Decision requiring trials for detainees: "One of the worst decisions in the history of this country"
[PoliticalBase]
Social Security Privatization
BEFORE
2004: "Without privatization, I don’t see how you can possibly, over time, make sure that young Americans are able to receive Social Security benefits.”
3/3/2008: "“As part of Social Security reform, I believe that private savings accounts are a part of it — along the lines that President Bush proposed.”
AFTER
6/13/08: “I’m not for, quote, privatizing Social Security. I never have been. I never will be.”
[Think Progress]
Minimum Wage
BEFORE
McCain votes against minimum wage increases 19 times.
AFTER
8/31/08: "I’m for the minimum wage increases when they are not attached to other big-spending pork barrel."
[Think Progress]
