Ask John McCain

Dear John,

I've been married for five years, but I'm starting to wonder if I made the right choice. I met a great woman through work, and we really hit it off. Now I'm starting to question everything. What should I do?

You know another thing I hate about jazz? Improvisation. What horseshit. What, you can't take the time to write some notes down on a piece of paper? No ink in your damn pen? In my day they wrote down the freaking music. You can't write music on the page? Don't play it! Don't give me any of this inspiration crap. You want to be inspired? Go to church. I've had enough of that improvisation garbage. Liberal claptrap. I'll tell you where you can stick your saxophone.

Dear John,

My boss doesn't really appreciate the work I do, and I'm thinking I need to change careers. Do you have any advice for someone who is looking for a new job?

I. DRINK. YOUR. MILKSHAKE!!! Ha! Did you see that movie? Daniel Day Lewis is a great American. There is this part in the... well, I didn't actually see the movie. One of my interns told me about this thing on the Internet called You Too. Anyway, on this You Too you can watch movies and things and there's this part in some movie where Daniel Day Lewis says I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE and he says it just this way.... ah. You have to see it. I wish I could have been an actor. I'd be Daniel Day Lewis. I DRINK YOU MILKSHAKE! I DRINK IT!! What a great movie.

Dear John,

I'm against the war in Iraq. I don't think we're doing any good there and I think we should bring our troops home. We just can't sustain a war there and it's time we worked toward a peaceful resolution. How do you suggest we end this prolonged conflict?

You know what city I hate? New York. What a bunch of commies. You ever been in a subway? Bunch of garbage. I'd rather be in goddamn Hanoi. And the rats, they remind me of Democrats. Well, except the time I thought about being a Democrat, then they reminded me of Republicans. The sewers! You know I hear they have alligators down there. I could probably take an alligator. Might need a gun though. Anyway, New York is a terrible place. No Americans there. I'll take Phoenix any day.

Please e-mail your questions for John McCain to mccainisinsane at gmail dot com!