Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Hillary Clinton Announces Plans to "Drop Out.....side for a walk."

WASHINGTON - Speaking to reporters in the wake of John Edwards' endorsement of rival Barack Obama on Wednesday, Hillary Clinton announced that she plans to "drop out.....side for a walk."

"It's been a long campaign," Senator Clinton said. "And after careful consideration of Senator Obama's insurmountable lead and the will of the Democratic Party, I've decided to formally leave the ra....king to Bill from now on."

Senator Clinton then fell into a hysterical laughing fit. "Did I fool you? Huh? Ha ha! I'm never dropping out, you jackasses!"

Clinton campaign advisor Terry McAuliffe, staring at a memo of prepared talking points stressing that only white voters from Appalachian Counties over the age of 65 making less than $40,000 should be counted, was overheard muttering to an aide, "Do I really have to read this shit?"
McAuliffe later argued to CNN correspondent Wolf Blitzer that Appalachian voters are the only true Americans. Noticeably slurring, McAulliffe said, "Wolf, if they voted Clinton, they're real. If they didn't... well, they can go [expletive] themselves, am I right?"

"Woooooolf," McAuliffe said. "Woooooooooooolf! That name is so badass. Why are you such a freaking nerd?"

When reached for comment, Senator Obama welcomed Senator Clinton's announcement.

"I would like to thank Senator Clinton for a hard fought campaign, and after great thought I would like to extend her the office of Vice-Pres....just kidding there's no way in hell that's happening."

Monday, May 5, 2008

Intern Joe Explains Why He Compared John Hagee to Moses

Hi there, everybody!

Not only do the swell folks at How Insane Is John McCain? let me fetch their coffee and do their laundry, they also let me out of the basement once in a while to write some of their bloggers! Today they asked me to explain why I compared John Hagee to Moses, who was the most important Jew in history before Barbara Streisand.

Well. John Hagee endorsed my buddy John McCain so he's a SWELL GUY in my book. If McCain is glad to have his endorsement I'm glad to be the guy who is friends with the guy who got Hagee's endorsement, who is also my friend. But now people got their panties in a bundle (John taught me that one!) because Hagee said the Catholic Church was like the Great Whore of Babyland and he also said that Hurricane Katrina happened because New Orleans is homogenous. Well, duh!

John Hagee likes the Jewish people so much he thinks we should be in charge of the Holy Land and go to war with Iran so the apocalypse can happen. WHO WOULD NOT LOVE THIS MAN?

So if you think my buddy John McCain should renounce my other buddy John Hagee, well, I say BACK OFF BUSTER.

Oh! That's all the time I have today. The folks at How Insane Is John McCain? want to use me as their paintball target again. Does that sound like fun or what??

[Hat tip ThinkProgress]

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Cindybot 3.5 Explains Her $100 million Fortune

[Engage blogpost]

Greetings flesh vessels.

You may have heard that ((( I have amassed a fortune of more than $100 million of your human dollars. This is true.

You may have heard that I allow my flesh husband John McCain to fly around in my beautiful jet. Also true.

My human father recognized mankind's weakness and made a fortune distributing silly alcohol. And then he passed it to me. But what you don't know is my purpose for amassing such a fortune.

Well, flesh vessels, I have traveled through time and have &&& exclusive access to a video from the future. Watch. This is your future. You will vote for my flesh husband John McCain and you will bow down to your robot masters.

If I were programmed /// to have a sense of humor I would laugh heartily at your foolishness.

Behold. The future: