Hillary Clinton Announces Plans to "Drop Out.....side for a walk."

WASHINGTON - Speaking to reporters in the wake of John Edwards' endorsement of rival Barack Obama on Wednesday, Hillary Clinton announced that she plans to "drop out.....side for a walk."

"It's been a long campaign," Senator Clinton said. "And after careful consideration of Senator Obama's insurmountable lead and the will of the Democratic Party, I've decided to formally leave the ra....king to Bill from now on."

Senator Clinton then fell into a hysterical laughing fit. "Did I fool you? Huh? Ha ha! I'm never dropping out, you jackasses!"

Clinton campaign advisor Terry McAuliffe, staring at a memo of prepared talking points stressing that only white voters from Appalachian Counties over the age of 65 making less than $40,000 should be counted, was overheard muttering to an aide, "Do I really have to read this shit?"
'
McAuliffe later argued to CNN correspondent Wolf Blitzer that Appalachian voters are the only true Americans. Noticeably slurring, McAulliffe said, "Wolf, if they voted Clinton, they're real. If they didn't... well, they can go [expletive] themselves, am I right?"

"Woooooolf," McAuliffe said. "Woooooooooooolf! That name is so badass. Why are you such a freaking nerd?"

When reached for comment, Senator Obama welcomed Senator Clinton's announcement.

"I would like to thank Senator Clinton for a hard fought campaign, and after great thought I would like to extend her the office of Vice-Pres....just kidding there's no way in hell that's happening."

Intern Joe Explains Why He Compared John Hagee to Moses

Hi there, everybody!

Not only do the swell folks at How Insane Is John McCain? let me fetch their coffee and do their laundry, they also let me out of the basement once in a while to write some of their bloggers! Today they asked me to explain why I compared John Hagee to Moses, who was the most important Jew in history before Barbara Streisand.

Well. John Hagee endorsed my buddy John McCain so he's a SWELL GUY in my book. If McCain is glad to have his endorsement I'm glad to be the guy who is friends with the guy who got Hagee's endorsement, who is also my friend. But now people got their panties in a bundle (John taught me that one!) because Hagee said the Catholic Church was like the Great Whore of Babyland and he also said that Hurricane Katrina happened because New Orleans is homogenous. Well, duh!

John Hagee likes the Jewish people so much he thinks we should be in charge of the Holy Land and go to war with Iran so the apocalypse can happen. WHO WOULD NOT LOVE THIS MAN?

So if you think my buddy John McCain should renounce my other buddy John Hagee, well, I say BACK OFF BUSTER.

Oh! That's all the time I have today. The folks at How Insane Is John McCain? want to use me as their paintball target again. Does that sound like fun or what??

[Hat tip ThinkProgress]

Cindybot 3.5 Explains Her $100 million Fortune

[Engage blogpost]

Greetings flesh vessels.

You may have heard that ((( I have amassed a fortune of more than $100 million of your human dollars. This is true.

You may have heard that I allow my flesh husband John McCain to fly around in my beautiful jet. Also true.

My human father recognized mankind's weakness and made a fortune distributing silly alcohol. And then he passed it to me. But what you don't know is my purpose for amassing such a fortune.

Well, flesh vessels, I have traveled through time and have &&& exclusive access to a video from the future. Watch. This is your future. You will vote for my flesh husband John McCain and you will bow down to your robot masters.

If I were programmed /// to have a sense of humor I would laugh heartily at your foolishness.

Behold. The future:

Barack Obama Realizes Running For President Completely Sucks

WASHINGTON - After a long primary campaign in which he has been forced to answer questions about his unstable former pastor, flag lapel pins, and assorted crazy people he once met a long time ago, all while consuming a bewildering array of fatty food products in crappy diners across America, Barack Obama announced on Monday that running for president completely sucks.

"This blows. I'm sick and tired of running for president," he said. "Now watch Fox News quote me saying 'that blows' and try and convince people I snort cocaine."

Campaign officials admit that the beleaguered Obama has been questioning why in the hell anyone would even want to be president.

"Oh sure," campaign manager David Plouffe admitted. "Just the other day he told me that no sane person would ever want to be president. Then I reminded him that he's running against two people who actually are insane. That got him through the day."

Political analysts are mixed about how Obama's sudden realization about the sheer suckitude of running for president will affect the race.

"Jeremiah Wright, Jeremiah Wright, Jeremiah Wright, Jeremiah Wright, Jeremiah Wright," Bill O'Reilly told reporters, "Jeremiah Wright, Jeremiah Wright, Weather Underground, Jeremiah Wright."

Obama confirmed that there were times he wondered if this whole president thing could possibly be worth it.

"That situation room in the White House had better be seriously James Bond. I'm talking exploding pens and cars with missile launchers. Otherwise I might as well have just stayed at home and gotten some sleep this past year."

Hillary Clinton was reached for comment Monday at an Indiana greasy spoon, in which she consumed 18 home cooked donuts, conversed awkwardly with 74 senile senior citizens, and campaigned for 62 hours without sleep. When asked if she had tired of the campaign, Senator Clinton grabbed this reporter by the lapel and whispered, "I love this shit."

McCain Celebrated 69th Birthday as Katrina Hit

McCain blasted Bush's handling of Katrina today, saying, "I would’ve landed my airplane at the nearest Air Force base and come over personally."

Huh. I wonder what Bush was up to when Katrina was hitting New Orleans.

Luckily we have a picture.

I shit you not:



McCain's 69th Birthday party. I wonder if he got around to telling Bush to take care of New Orleans.

Yeah, probably not. Cake!!!

[ThinkProgress]

McCain on Crazy Hagee: "Nonsense" x 14

John McCain responded to crazy John Hagee's latest diatribe against New Orleans with a "nonsense" quote. Make that 14 "nonsense"s:

"It's nonsense, it's nonsense, it's nonsense, it's nonsense, it's nonsense. I dont have anything additional to say. It's nonsense, it's nonsense, it's nonsense, I don't have anything more to say....it's nonsense. I reject it categorically."

He has not, however, rejected Hagee's endorsement, and just last week said he was glad to have it.

Hillary Clinton: "Tide Is Turning," Expects to Win Democratic Presidential Primary By 2013

WASHINGTON - After besting Barack Obama by 9 points in Pennsylvania's Democratic primary, Hillary Clinton declared to a crowd of ten supporters on Wednesday, "The tide is turning. By 2013 I expect to have overtaken Barack Obama and I will be thrilled to take on John McCain's corpse in the general election!"

In a seemingly interminable primary battle that has left both candidates bruised and battered, Clinton's victory in Pennsylvania did not seem to alter the fundamentals of the Democratic primary or Barack Obama's insurmountable lead in pledged delegates and the popular vote.

According to Clinton advisors, this overlooks some key fundamentals of the race.

"You've got it all wrong," said Clinton advisor Terry McAuliffe. "2008 doesn't count."

Clinton advisors point to her victories in "big states that count" such as California, New Jersey, New York and Pennsylvania as evidence she can eventually beat Obama given enough time and do-overs, while dismissing Obama's victories in Illinois, South Carolina, Missouri, Virginia and Maryland. They feel that Clinton's support among the minority of Democratic voters who matter makes the case that Clinton can be the best Democratic candidate to lose to John McCain.

"Who better to lose to McCain than me?" Clinton declared. "I am the only candidate who can bring America together and unify the Democratic party to vote against me in the Fall."

Obama campaign manager David Plouffe said Wednesday that he increasingly feels that he is trapped in a bad zombie movie.

"I wake up every morning thinking people are going to finally admit she's dead and this race is over. And every day I open up the newspaper she's got a new zinger about Barack that's not even remotely funny. I mean, look at this one today: 'It's a long road to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, and it runs right through the heart of Pennsylvania.' I mean, seriously. Who writes this shit? Carrot Top?"

According to Bill Clinton, Hillary has not yet begun to lose.

"Hillary is a fighter," Clinton said. "She can go down in flames with the best of them. Remember '94 after the health care debacle? Ha ha! We had to lock her in the basement she was so radioactive."