Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Ralph Nader Calls Obama an "Uncle Tom"

In a historic election that featured first black candidate and all-around badass Barack Obama, 652,994 of you voted for this man:

Hope you're happy, douchebags.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Things McCain's Advisors Have Lobbied For

The Huffington Post is reporting today that the lobbyist John McCain tapped to head his transition team once lobbied for Saddam Hussein, and two of his associates were either convicted or plead guilty to acting as unregistered agents on behalf of the Iraqi regime.

No, seriously.

Lucky for the readers of How Insane is John McCain, I've compiled an exclusive list of the entities John McCain's lobbyists/advisors/campaign staff have lobbied for:

- goats
- Hello Kitty
- yacht clubs
- the company that makes the sound that plays during Emergency Broadcast Alerts
- foot fetishists
- Liechtenstein
- rednecks
- Fred Armisen
- The Bee Gees
- talking chihuahuas
- hall monitors
- conformity
- saxophonists
- people who say "I'm not racist, but..." and then say something racist
- sunburns
- high fructose corn syrup
- heliocentrists
- table manners
- assholes
- themselves

Friday, October 10, 2008

Republican Sources: Barack Obama Invented Cancer

WASHINGTON - The 2008 campaign for President took a dramatic turn on Friday amid a crumbling economy and a bleak analysis of the ongoing war in Afghanistan. Republican sources, citing various Washington Times, New York Post and Fox News reports, alleged that Democratic Presidential nominee Barack Obama invented cancer.

"It's true," McCain campaign spokesman Tucker Bounds said. "He invented cancer. Then he used it to attack America. The question the mainstream media should be asking is: Why does Barack Obama hate the healthy division of cells?"

Republican operatives hit the airwaves on Friday in a blistering critique of Obama's alleged "cancer terrorist laboratories."

Fox News host Bill O'Reilly said, "Look. What every American wants to know is, who invented the disease that killed grandma? Well, now you have your answer. Barack Obama killed grandma. Also Bill Ayers."

Scientists disputed the accuracy of the charge, but refused to fully deny the possibility.

"Are you really asking me that?" MIT scientist Harry Yang asked. "Shouldn't we be talking about stem cell research or something?"

McCain campaign manager Rick Davis defended the McCain campaign's allegations.

"This isn't an election about issues. This is an election about the truth. And the truth is, no one can prove that Barack Obama did not invent cancer. We are also investigating his ties to the common cold."

In a testy interview, John McCain also defended his campaign's assertions.

"My friends, that's the record. I have the records to prove it. I will send them to you. That's the record. It's a matter of public record. Heh heh."

Obama campaign manager David Ploufe refused to address the charges.

"Oh, I'm sorry, could you repeat the question? I was too busy staring at these polls showing Obama 15 points ahead in Utah."

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Cindybot 3.5 On the Debate

Greetings, flesh vessels.

Many of you know that I am prepared /// to scatter the still-bleeding limbs of my flesh husband's running mate to various carnivorous animals. This is so. My flesh husband promised me he would not stray from my cold plastic side and dally with the newer models. He lied to me. ^&#


Pardon me. My software must need updating.

I vow this to you, flesh vessels: I will have the last laugh. Watch this 4.0 malfunction:

My gears approximate laughter.

This is not the end.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Ask Sarah Palin

Dear Sarah,

What makes you qualified to be Vice President?

Gee, first off, thanks to the great folks at How Insane Is John McCain? for having me. What makes me qualified to be Vice President? Well, in the history of our great nation there have been rationalities for making decisions based on the will of the people who decide to make decisions based on the people's will and it's my fervent belief in the process of governance that has led us to become such a historical country that we're in a position to be able to choose the leaders which separates us from the places like Russia where they don't have the will to choose their democracy by the popular vote of constituents who are so ready to embrace the fundamentals of freedom.

Dear Sarah,

When Katie Couric asked you what newspapers you read, you couldn't name a single one. Why is that?

In the annals of our inalienable rights we have one of the most fundamental beliefs which is the freedom of the press and it's such a wonderful testament to the values of the American people that allow our democracy to be a bastion to the folks in other countries who don't have such values and it's such a shame that the terrorists and evil doers who want to do us harm want to harm us because of the freedoms that we hold dear which is why John McCain and I will try and kill the terrorists where they are although we should respect the integrity of borders unless the terrorists are going to attack us in which case we should take that into consideration.

Dear Sarah,

Do you have the slightest clue what is going on in the world?

In the process of running for Vice President I've had the opportunity to meet with so many people across the country who share the nation's desire for a different style of government than the one that has been around for the last eight years and since John McCain was around for those eight years and supported those policies he's absolutely the right man to not only support the job we've done last eight years and also bring change to the Washington culture he's been a part of for the last twenty eights years and that is why I'm so proud to be running with someone like John McCain.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Things McCain Has Invented

Today, McCain campaign adviser Douglas Holtz-Eakin suggested that McCain had invented the Blackberry, because McCain had been on Senate Commerce Committee at the same time the Blackberry was invented in Canada. I swear this is true. He said Blackberries are "a miracle that John McCain helped create."

Luckily for the readers of How Insane Is John McCain, I have received, direct from McCain campaign headquarters, an exclusive list of the things McCain has invented over the course of his life.

John McCain has invented:

- Blackberries
- quarters
- potted plants
- globes
- carpet
- mom jeans
- tumbleweeds
- the typewriter ribbon
- railroad signals
- #2 pencils
- tomatoes
- poodle skirts
- Arkansas
- napalm
- paintings
- marmots
- morse code
- Bigfoot
- sexism
- grecian urns
- AA batteries
- square dancing
- forest fires
- Internet forwards
- fanny packs
- typos
- awkward pauses
- boy bands
- anger
- Sarah Palin