In a historic election that featured first black candidate and all-around badass Barack Obama, 652,994 of you voted for this man:
Hope you're happy, douchebags.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
The Huffington Post is reporting today that the lobbyist John McCain tapped to head his transition team once lobbied for Saddam Hussein, and two of his associates were either convicted or plead guilty to acting as unregistered agents on behalf of the Iraqi regime.
Lucky for the readers of How Insane is John McCain, I've compiled an exclusive list of the entities John McCain's lobbyists/advisors/campaign staff have lobbied for:
- Hello Kitty
- yacht clubs
- the company that makes the sound that plays during Emergency Broadcast Alerts
- foot fetishists
- Fred Armisen
- The Bee Gees
- talking chihuahuas
- hall monitors
- people who say "I'm not racist, but..." and then say something racist
- high fructose corn syrup
- table manners
Friday, October 10, 2008
WASHINGTON - The 2008 campaign for President took a dramatic turn on Friday amid a crumbling economy and a bleak analysis of the ongoing war in Afghanistan. Republican sources, citing various Washington Times, New York Post and Fox News reports, alleged that Democratic Presidential nominee Barack Obama invented cancer.
"It's true," McCain campaign spokesman Tucker Bounds said. "He invented cancer. Then he used it to attack America. The question the mainstream media should be asking is: Why does Barack Obama hate the healthy division of cells?"
Republican operatives hit the airwaves on Friday in a blistering critique of Obama's alleged "cancer terrorist laboratories."
Fox News host Bill O'Reilly said, "Look. What every American wants to know is, who invented the disease that killed grandma? Well, now you have your answer. Barack Obama killed grandma. Also Bill Ayers."
Scientists disputed the accuracy of the charge, but refused to fully deny the possibility.
"Are you really asking me that?" MIT scientist Harry Yang asked. "Shouldn't we be talking about stem cell research or something?"
McCain campaign manager Rick Davis defended the McCain campaign's allegations.
"This isn't an election about issues. This is an election about the truth. And the truth is, no one can prove that Barack Obama did not invent cancer. We are also investigating his ties to the common cold."
In a testy interview, John McCain also defended his campaign's assertions.
"My friends, that's the record. I have the records to prove it. I will send them to you. That's the record. It's a matter of public record. Heh heh."
Obama campaign manager David Ploufe refused to address the charges.
"Oh, I'm sorry, could you repeat the question? I was too busy staring at these polls showing Obama 15 points ahead in Utah."
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Greetings, flesh vessels.
Many of you know that I am prepared /// to scatter the still-bleeding limbs of my flesh husband's running mate to various carnivorous animals. This is so. My flesh husband promised me he would not stray from my cold plastic side and dally with the newer models. He lied to me. ^
%%%PALINBOT 4.0 MUST BE DESTROYED. I WILL KILL HER... GGGGGG
Pardon me. My software must need updating.
I vow this to you, flesh vessels: I will have the last laugh. Watch this 4.0 malfunction:
My gears approximate laughter.
This is not the end.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
What makes you qualified to be Vice President?
Gee, first off, thanks to the great folks at How Insane Is John McCain? for having me. What makes me qualified to be Vice President? Well, in the history of our great nation there have been rationalities for making decisions based on the will of the people who decide to make decisions based on the people's will and it's my fervent belief in the process of governance that has led us to become such a historical country that we're in a position to be able to choose the leaders which separates us from the places like Russia where they don't have the will to choose their democracy by the popular vote of constituents who are so ready to embrace the fundamentals of freedom.
When Katie Couric asked you what newspapers you read, you couldn't name a single one. Why is that?
In the annals of our inalienable rights we have one of the most fundamental beliefs which is the freedom of the press and it's such a wonderful testament to the values of the American people that allow our democracy to be a bastion to the folks in other countries who don't have such values and it's such a shame that the terrorists and evil doers who want to do us harm want to harm us because of the freedoms that we hold dear which is why John McCain and I will try and kill the terrorists where they are although we should respect the integrity of borders unless the terrorists are going to attack us in which case we should take that into consideration.
Do you have the slightest clue what is going on in the world?
In the process of running for Vice President I've had the opportunity to meet with so many people across the country who share the nation's desire for a different style of government than the one that has been around for the last eight years and since John McCain was around for those eight years and supported those policies he's absolutely the right man to not only support the job we've done last eight years and also bring change to the Washington culture he's been a part of for the last twenty eights years and that is why I'm so proud to be running with someone like John McCain.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Today, McCain campaign adviser Douglas Holtz-Eakin suggested that McCain had invented the Blackberry, because McCain had been on Senate Commerce Committee at the same time the Blackberry was invented in Canada. I swear this is true. He said Blackberries are "a miracle that John McCain helped create."
Luckily for the readers of How Insane Is John McCain, I have received, direct from McCain campaign headquarters, an exclusive list of the things McCain has invented over the course of his life.
John McCain has invented:
- potted plants
- mom jeans
- the typewriter ribbon
- railroad signals
- #2 pencils
- poodle skirts
- morse code
- grecian urns
- AA batteries
- square dancing
- forest fires
- Internet forwards
- fanny packs
- awkward pauses
- boy bands
- Sarah Palin
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Many people think John McCain is a straight talking Maverick who speaks his mind, has principles, is Independent-minded, and isn't your average Republican. But honestly, when you look at his record, most of the assumptions people have about McCain just aren't true.
Here's a list of the differences between public and media image and McCain's actual record.
MYTH: John McCain disagrees with George Bush on important issues.
FACT: McCain once opposed Bush on tax cuts for the wealthy, now he supports them. McCain voted with George Bush to uphold torture. Like Bush, he favors privatizing social security. He once opposed warrantless wiretapping, then he voted in favor of them with Bush. He once opposed offshore drilling, now, like Bush, he supports it. He has echoed Bush's belief that the fundamentals of the economy are strong. He supported the Iraq war and thought it would be easy. It's really actually true that he voted with George Bush 95% of the time. They even celebrated McCain's 69th Birthday together as Katrina was hitting New Orleans.
Just listen to the man himself:
MYTH: John McCain is against torture.
FACT: Despite once being tortured, John McCain voted to uphold the CIA's use of torture by voting against a bill that would have banned CIA waterboarding and other harsh interrogation methods earlier this year. When the bill passed despite McCain's vote, he urged Bush to veto the bill, which he did, enshrining the CIA's right to torture. McCain has since said he believes waterboarding is torture.
MYTH: McCain believes in women's issues.
FACT: McCain is not only opposed to abortion, he is also opposed to requiring health care providers to cover contraception. McCain has also long opposed equal pay for women.
MYTH: John McCain is a straight-shooter.
FACT: McCain has repeatedly waffled on many issues over the years and has flip-flopped on many important issues. He even sacrificed principle for expediencey on issues in his 2000 primary campaign, most notably when he embraced South Carolina's use of the Confederate flag during the campaign, and then made the rounds to reporters to apologize for it afterwards.
MYTH: McCain is running an honorable campaign.
FACT: During the 2000 campaign, there was a push-poll in South Carolina that suggested that McCain's adopted Bangladeshi daughter was an illegitimate black daughter. The "mastermind" behind that smear was Tucker Eskew, and McCain recently hired him for this election. He has also engaged Karl Rove as a mid-level adviser, and his director of communications, Steve Schmidt, is a Rove protege. These operatives and others have crafted McCain-approved smear ads, including one that Joe Klein called the sleaziest he has ever seen in presidential politics. Even the Associated Press has called out the McCain campaign for engaging in lies and doublespeak.
You be the judge:
MYTH: McCain will lower your taxes.
FACT: McCain wants to lower income taxes, especially if you're rich. However, a little-reported aspect of McCain's health care proposal is that he wants to do away with employer-based tax deduction for health insurance -- basically, when your employer gives you health care, the amount they spend on you (about $12,000 for the average family) isn't considered taxable income. McCain wants to eliminate that credit, and plans to replace that $12,000 with a $2,500 tax credit for individuals and $5,000 for families. It doesn't add up, and anyone who has good health insurance, especially those with pre-existing conditions, would pay far more for their health care, easily negating the tax break.
MYTH: McCain is secretly pro-choice.
FACT: McCain is not, and never has been, pro-choice, even though Cindy McCain feigned confusion about his stance. Once, in 1999, in one of his many flip-flops, he suggested that he wouldn't appeal Roe vs. Wade, but he has repeatedly expressed his opinion that it should be overturned.
MYTH: John and Cindy McCain have a great love story.
FACT: When John McCain was in Vietnam, his first wife was in a car accident and badly handicapped. McCain engaged in a series of affairs, including one with Cindy McCain, who he met in Hawaii while he was still married. She is 19 years younger than him. Cindy McCain is an heiress whose net worth is over $100 million, allowing McCain to fly around on a jet.
MYTH: McCain is moderate on immigration.
FACT: Many people think he is moderate on immigration and favors amnesty to workers who are already here. It's true that he co-sponsored a bill that would do just that. Now he says he would have voted against his own bill and that he favors an enforcement policy.
MYTH: McCain fights lobbyists.
FACT: A huge portion of McCain's campaign is made up of lobbyists, including his campaign manager Rick Davis. These are not recent ties, and have been ongoing for years. Here's a chart of McCain's lobbyist ties.
MYTH: McCain isn't THAT old.
FACT: McCain would be the oldest person to be inaugurated president. According to actuarial tables, he has about a 15% chance of dying in his first term. Also his hair went gray in 1954 and he remembers the attack on Pearl Harbor in 1941.
MYTH: McCain is funny.
Sure. You may not know what the Bush Doctrine is. It probably means you've been spending too much time watching reality TV shows the last 7 years, but that's ok. I love me some Rock of Love too.
But don't you kinda think the person who is running to take over the job if the President croaks should know what the Bush Doctrine is?
And then, after the reporter kindly explains what the Bush Doctrine is, don't you think someone who could be a heartbeat away from the Presidency should be able to give a straight answer on whether or not she agrees with it?
Monday, September 8, 2008
WASHINGTON - After a whirlwind day of false assertions about Sarah Palin's stance on the Bridge to Nowhere and inaccurate accusations of Barack Obama, sources inside and outside of the McCain campaign confirmed a shocking fact on Monday. They think you're stupid.
"We don't think you're stupid," campaign manager Rick Davis said as he clenched up his face for a few moments before bursting out laughing. Davis tried to compose himself amid the laughter of the assembled press corps as he waved for calm. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Whew. Can we do that take again?"
After a Republican National Convention that saw son-of-a-Fortune-500-CEO and multi-millionaire Mitt Romney deride "Eastern Elites" and former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani call Obama too "cosmopolitan," the McCain campaign embarked on a spirited campaign to test the depths of your intelligence.
The McCain campaign began the day with a misleading ad that repeated, for the 18th time, the utterly false claim that Alaska Governor Sarah Palin opposed the Bridge to Nowhere, which was even refuted by the Wall Street Journal. In truth, Governor Palin expressed support for the bridge several different times, and even after Congress canceled the project, Alaska kept the money.
McCain spokesman Tucker Bounds explained the strategy behind the baldfaced lie.
"Truth is in the eye of the beholder," Bounds said. "And in this case, John McCain is the beholder."
Bounds explained, "It's not a lie if you can get away with it."
When asked for facts to buttress his assertion that Palin opposed the Bridge to Nowhere, Bounds derided facts as "constructs of the liberal media."
Emboldened by the "Original Mavericks" ad and the press' sudden aversion to questioning Sarah Palin's sketchy resume or her numerous scandals, the McCain campaign doubled-down on the lies by attacking Obama on earmark spending.
As even the right-leaning Associated Press notes, Illinois received far less per capita on earmark spending than Alaska, which received over 10 times more per person. Palin even requested $499,000 to assess halibut harvesting and made numerous statements on camera in support of earmarks.
Obama did not request any earmarks in the past year.
That did not deter McCain strategist Steve Schmidt, who called Obama, and the Wall Street Journal, "Lying McLyingpants."
"Who slaughtered penguins for fun? Obama. Who is causing global warming? Obama. Who blew out Tom Brady's knee? Obama. Obama is a menace, and I'm sure his campaign will marshall all sorts of 'facts' to try and prove that he was not the person who shot JFK, but I think the American people know better."
Schmidt also confirmed on background that he thinks you're stupid.
When reached for comment, the Obama campaign expressed hope that the truth will emerge amid an incredible deluge of Republican lies. On Monday, Barack Obama sought to assure anxious Democrats that McCain's strategy will backfire.
"After eight years of George W. Bush and Dick Cheney's lies, McCain wants you to forget that he voted with George Bush 90% of the time and agrees with him on every important issue of the day, from an endless war in Iraq to tax cuts for the wealthy to torture to the environment and immigration. Now they are lying all over the place and showing that they think you're stupid."
"I believe the American people are smarter than that."
Polls remain deadlocked on whether the American people are, in fact, smarter than that.
The lies were flying fast and furious at the RNC this past week, and a post that catalogued all those lies would probably break the Internet. First, I tackled the lies in Sarah Palin's speech.
Now, it's McCain's turn.
LIE: Well, first up is that weird green background. There was an image on the screen behind McCain of Walter Reed Middle School. McCain spokesman Tucker bounds claimed the image of a school was intentional.
TRUTH: All signs point up to a screwup. Many have speculated that the McCain campaign actually meant to use an image of Walter Reed Medical Hospital, and in fact, campaign manager Rick Davis blamed the screwup on McCain ad man Fred Davis. Meanwhile, the Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America slammed McCain, saying the faux background "was as close as McCain got to veterans issues" at the RNC.
LIE: "[Palin's] tackled tough problems like energy independence and corruption."
TRUTH: Palin does not have any record of tackling energy independence, unless you count being in favor of drilling more, which would not lead to energy independence. She did help pass an ethics reform bill, but is mired in corruption and ethics scandals of her own.
LIE: "She's balanced a budget, cut taxes, and taken on the special interests"
TRUTH: As mayor of Wasilla, Palin started with a balanced budget and left the city $20 million in debt. She also raised taxes on city residents. As governor, she raised taxes on oil companies by $1.5 billion. The only instance in which Palin cut taxes was rescinding a fuel tax that amounted to approximately $40 million, leaving a net tax increase of approximately $1.46 billion. Alaska's budget surplus is almost exclusively due to high oil prices.
LIE: "She's helped run a small business"
TRUTH: One business partially owned by the Palins was an Anchorage car wash that was involuntarily dissolved because they failed to pay state licensing fees.
LIE: "I'm not in the habit of breaking promises to my country and neither is Governor Palin"
TRUTH: See this flip-flop list.
LIE: "I fought crooked deals in the Pentagon."
TRUTH: This isn't actually a lie, it's just ironic that he co-sponsored this legislation with Barack Obama.
LIE: "I fought for the right strategy and more troops in Iraq, when it wasn't a popular thing to do."
TRUTH: In 2003, McCain professed that the war would be "fairly easy," then later claimed that the war was over, citing the Mission Accomplished banner. He did eventually call for more troops, but hedged.
LIE: "...that strategy succeeded and rescued us from a defeat that would have demoralized our military, risked a wider war and threatened the security of all Americans."
TRUTH: Um, the jury is still out.
LIE: "I fight for Bill and Sue Nebe from Farmington Hills, Michigan, who lost their real estate investments in the bad housing market."
TRUTH: McCain opposed helping distressed homeowners, saying, "it is not the duty of government to bail out and reward those who act irresponsibly, whether they are big banks or small borrowers." So... he actually fought against Bill and Sue Nebe.
LIE: "We lost their trust when instead of freeing ourselves from a dangerous dependence on foreign oil, both parties and Senator Obama passed another corporate welfare bill for oil companies."
TRUTH: The energy bill that Obama voted for in 2005 did have $2.6 billion in tax breaks for oil companies, but they were counterbalanced by $3 billion in oil taxes. Obama helped add measures for alternative energy to the bill.
LIE: "I will keep taxes low and cut them where I can. My opponent will raise them."
TRUTH: McCain plans to cut taxes, but the vast bulk of his tax cuts would go to the wealthy. Obama wants to repeal the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy and plans to give the middle class $80 billion in tax cuts.
LIE: "I will open new markets to our goods and services. My opponent will close them."
TRUTH: Obama believes in free trade but wants to amend some free trade agreements to add environmental and labor considerations.
LIE: "My health care plan will make it easier for more Americans to find and keep good health care insurance."
TRUTH: McCain's plan calls for tax credits so that individuals can pay for health insurance, but he would eliminate tax exemptions on employer-provided health care. The tax break McCain is proposing is $2,500, compared to the average $12,000 yearly premium paid by employers, leading many to question how it would actually make it easier to pay for health insurance. It should also be noted that one of McCain's health care advisers said everyone should be considered insured because they can go to the emergency room.
LIE: "His plan will force small businesses to cut jobs, reduce wages, and force families into a government run health care system where a bureaucrat stands between you and your doctor."
TRUTH: In Obama's health care plan, it would only be mandatory for children to have health insurance (the horror!). Adults would have a choice. The Obama plan would also insure businesses against catastrophic health costs.
LIE: "Senator Obama thinks we can achieve energy independence without more drilling and without more nuclear power."
TRUTH: Obama is not opposed to nuclear power or drilling. He has also called for a $150 billion investment in new energy sources.
LIE: "The constant partisan rancor that stops us from solving these problems isn't a cause, it's a symptom. It's what happens when people go to Washington to work for themselves and not you."
TRUTH: The McCain campaign has been noted for its partisan rancor, including questioning Obama's patriotism.
LIE: "I won't let you down."
TRUTH: He will.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
The lies were flying fast and furious at the RNC this past week, and a post that catalogued all those lies would probably break the Internet. Instead, I'll merely start by listing the falsehoods, fudges and straight-up lies in Sarah Palin's acceptance speech.
McCain, you're next. Watch out, old fella.
LIE: "I guess a small-town mayor is sort of like a "community organizer," except that you have actual responsibilities."
TRUTH: Barack Obama worked as a community organizer on the South Side of Chicago after he graduated from college. He received a $13,000 salary, foregoing a more lucrative career. He worked for the Developing Communities Project, which "protected community interests regarding landfills and helped win employment training services, playgrounds, after-school programs, school reforms and other public amenities." Residents and organizers who knew him at the itme recall Obama's efforts in glowing terms.
When Sarah Palin was elected mayor of Wasilla, the town had no long-term debt. Instead of investing in local infrastructure needs, Palin raised taxes for the construction of a multi-million dollar indoor sports facility. However, the city began construction before it had received title, which resulted in years of (still ongoing) litigation that cost the city $1.3 million. Palin left Wasilla $20 million in debt, and was nearly recalled.
LIE: "I'm not a member of the permanent political establishment."
TRUTH: When Palin was mayor of Wasilla, she hired a lobbyist with ties to disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff. She also ran Senator Ted Stevens' 527 political action committee (he is currently indicted for corruption charges), and made a public appearance with him to support him politically.
LIE: "This was the spirit that brought me to the governor's office, when I took on the old politics as usual in Juneau ... when I stood up to the special interests, the lobbyists, big oil companies, and the good-ol' boys network."
TRUTH: As previously noted, Palin had close ties to lobbyists in Alaska. Palin also supports drilling in the Alaska National Wildlife Refuge, a position heavily favored by oil companies, and believes we can drill our way out of the energy crisis (which is not true). To be fair, she did raise taxes on oil companies while governor amid record oil prices.
LIE: "I came to office promising major ethics reform, to end the culture of self-dealing. And today, that ethics reform is the law."
TRUTH: Palin did help pass an ethics reform bill. However, she stands accused of her own ethics violation stemming from the firing of a public safety officer who refused to fire her brother-in-law, a state trooper. She is also accused of improperly accessing the trooper's personnel file, which could carry criminal charges.
LIE: "That luxury jet was over the top. I put it on eBay."
TRUTH: Palin suggests that she actually sold the jet on eBay, but in truth it never sold on eBay, and was eventually sold at a $300,000 loss to a Palin campaign contributor. Far from being a "luxury jet," it had mainly been used to transport criminals.
LIE: "I suspended the state fuel tax, and championed reform to end the abuses of earmark spending by Congress."
TRUTH: Palin was actually a major proponent of earmark spending, and in fact, Alaska was the recipient of more earmark spending per capita than any other state in the nation. Palin's requests for earmarks included $499,000 to assess halibut harvesting.
LIE: "I told the Congress "thanks, but no thanks," for that Bridge to Nowhere."
TRUTH: This is such a blatant lie it's incredible it made it into the speech. Palin repeatedly expressed support on the Bridge to Nowhere, and was even photographed with a satirical t-shirt in support of the project.
LIE: "But listening to him speak, it's easy to forget that this is a man who has authored two memoirs but not a single major law or reform - not even in the state senate."
TRUTH: Obama has only written one memoir, DREAMS FROM MY FATHER. His second book, THE AUDACITY OF HOPE, was a campaign book. But guess who has written two memoirs? John McCain! He wrote the memoirs FAITH OF MY FATHERS and WORTH FIGHTING FOR with Mark Salter, as well as his other books WHY COURAGE MATTERS, CHARACTER IS DESTINY, HARD CALL, and more.
It's also false that Obama did not sponsor any major legislation. He wrote over 110 bills as a Senator, including an important nuclear noproliferation bill and a bill (co-sponsored with John McCain) that established transparency in federal contracts. His bills in the Illinois State Legislature have also been praised.
LIE: "America needs more energy ... our opponent is against producing it."
TRUTH: Obama's own website calls for investing $150 billion in new clean energy sources.
LIE: "Al Qaeda terrorists still plot to inflict catastrophic harm on America ... he's worried that someone won't read them their rights?"
TRUTH: Honestly I don't know what this even means, but it should be noted that Obama is the only candidate who supports incursions into Pakistan if there is actionable intelligence on Al Qaeda, a position John McCain did not support because he was worried about Pakistani sovereignty (despite claiming that he would pursue Osama Bin Laden to the gates of hell).
LIE: "The Democratic nominee for president supports plans to raise income taxes ... raise payroll taxes ... raise investment income taxes ... raise the death tax ... raise business taxes ... and increase the tax burden on the American people by hundreds of billions of dollars. My sister Heather and her husband have just built a service station that's now opened for business - like millions of others who run small businesses."
TRUTH: Obama only plans to repeal the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy and calls for $80 billion in tax breaks to the middle class.
LIE: "Senator McCain's record of actual achievement and reform helps explain why so many special interests, lobbyists, and comfortable committee chairmen in Congress have fought the prospect of a McCain presidency - from the primary election of 2000 to this very day."
TRUTH: I'm sure there are some lobbyists who aren't supporting McCain, but his campaign manager, Rick Davis, is a former lobbyist, and a huge portion of his campaign staff are lobbyists.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Gee willakers, everybody! Did John sure pick a hot momma for Vice President OR WHAT!
Oh! Hi! I'm Joe Lieberman, and not only am I a US Senator from the great state of Connecticut, the people here at How Insane Is John McCain sometimes let me out of their basement to post bloggers on the campaign. Isn't that the swellest swellery in the world?
John told me about a MILLION times that I was going to be his Vice President. He said to me, "Lieberman, I need the Jews," which was the NICEST thing anyone had EVER said to me. So he promised me that I could be Vice President and even have sleepovers at the White House sometimes! I even picked out my bunk bed!
But then John told me about this hot babe that he met one time and you know how John's a sucker for the ladies! (I'm a sucker for hot babes too, only they don't like me very much.) So even though he promised me a hundred million cagillion billion times that he was going to make me Vice President, John broke his promise.
ISN'T THAT THE BESTEST THING EVER?!
And that's why I'm still supporting my buddy John McCain for president. This hot momma is real smart and she told me that if I ever made a move against her she would cut off my manhood with a rusty salmon knife. I don't even know what that is, but it sounds real bad. They won't let her talk to the press because yesterday she said she had never heard of Georgia. The state or the country!! Whoopers!
Anyway, even though my buddy John McCain stabbed me in the back and kicked me to the curb and made me speak at the Republican convention and told me that I was no good to him anymore and said that if he picked me Karl Rove would kill him no seriously he'd kill him with some mean secret service agents, I STILL LOVE THE GUY. I'll bet you do too.
According to CBS News, the National Enquirer is going to publish a story that alleges that Sarah Palin had an affair with her husband's former business partner. The McCain campaign denies this allegation, and has threatened legal action against the Enquirer.
It should be noted that the Enquirer broke the story on the (very true) John Edwards affair, although it was also incorrect when it reported a Ted Kennedy love child (which didn't even pass the smell test in more ways than one).
So far the identity of the business partner remains a secret, although there is plenty of speculation, and Andrew Sullivan notes that one business partner filed a motion to have his divorce records sealed. This comes on the heels of persistent Internet rumors that Palin faked her fifth pregnancy.
When this story breaks you probably won't hear it here first, but you will hear it here snarkiest.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
- Troopergate: Fired Public Safety Officer who refused to fire her brother-in-law, then replaced him with man she knew to have committed sexual harrassment. UPDATE 9/4: She is also now accused of improperly accessing and disclosing the state trooper's personnel file, which could carry criminal charges
- Claimed she was against Bridge to Nowhere, was actually for it
- Claimed to have been an anti-corruption crusader, actually ran Ted Stevens' political action committee and made appearances with him even after he was accused of corruption.
- She also is being scrutinized for her expense reports. Palin billed taxpayers for staying in her own home for 312 nights, and her daughters and husband charged $43,490, mostly for trips between Juneau and Wasilla. (To be fair, she did fly coach while flying and spent less than her predecessor).
- DairyGate: Fired the entire Alaskan Agricultural Commission board, filled vacancies with cronies, kept failing state-owned dairy afloat with public subsidies (which may have been misappropriated), then allowed dairy to fail and ensured that remaining assets were acquired at steep discount by political ally.
- As mayor, fired local police chief who questioned her political contributions.
- Laughed when radio host called cancer survivor a "bitch" and a "cancer."
- Palin's 17 Year old daughter is pregnant, but she personally slashed funding for teen pregnancy organization with a line-item veto despite a $5 billion Alaskan budget surplus due to rising oil prices.
- When Palin was mayor of Wasilla, it was the only town in Alaska that forced rape victims to pay for their own rape kits. The state was forced to pass a law preventing the practice.
- Opposes explicit sex-ed.
- Palin attended convention for Alaskan Independence Party, which is devoted to ensuring that Alaska secedes from the union. Addressed the party convention this year. Founder of AIP said: "The fires of hell are frozen glaciers compared to my hatred for the American government."
- Todd Palin was a registered member of the Alaska Independence Party from 1995-2002
- Sarah Palin's pastor: "We need to think like Jesus thinks. We are in a time and a season of war, and we need to think like that. We need to develop that instinct. We need to develop as believers the instinct that we are at war, and that war is contending for your faith. ... Jesus called us to die."
- Palin was in church when Jews For Jesus founder David Brickner described terrorist attacks on Israelis as God's "judgment of unbelief" of Jews who haven't embraced Christianity.
- Palin left Wasilla $20 million in debt
- Todd Palin was arrested for a DUI in 1986.
- Palin pressured a librarian to ban unspecified books, later fired her, but local residents pressured to re-hire her. (Palin characterized her questions as "rhetorical.")
- Palin failed to disclose interest in Anchorage car wash; car wash later was involuntarily dissolved by state because they failed to pay licensing fees.
- Palin claimed to have been to Ireland -- it was merely a re-feuling stopover.
- Palin sued the US government to block polar bears from being listed on a threatened species list.
- Palin defends cruel method of killing wolves.
- Palin claimed to have sold an Alaskan luxury private jet on E-Bay. In truth, the jet never sold on E-Bay and had primarly been used to transport convicts. Alaska eventually sold it at a $300,000 loss to a Palin campaign contributor.
Will be updated when time allows. These scandals are coming fast and furious.
Um. Did you vet this insane person from Alaska?
Dear Doofus. Blah blah blah blah blah. I'm a vet, moron. What in the hell did I need another vet on the ticket for? Let me tell you what I did need. Someone who could tell you where to stick a whale harpoon. Bah. This is a lady who knows her way around a moose. I think America is going to like her.
Are they going to put Sarah Palin's uterus in the Smithsonian when she dies?
Ha! That's a good one. I'll have to tell that one to Lieberman. Let me tell you something about Sarah Palin: she has five children and she knows where they came from, if you know what I mean. Heh heh. Well, at least she knows where four of them came from. Don't know about that last one. I've heard some wild stories about that one. Probably fake. I'll tell you one thing, Rove never faked a pregnancy. He might have if he had lady parts though.
Is Cindybot going to be jealous that you're consorting with another beauty queen?
I sure know how to pick the broads, don't I? Heh heh. But the answer is no. Cindy is my wife. How in the hell am I going to eat without her? I wouldn't be counting houses that's for damn sure. She has me by the balls. Should have signed a prenup. And worn a rubber. That's a lesson for all you Cub Scouts out there.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
[Engage blog post]
You may have heard the /// news that my flesh husband has chosen a running mate. He has.
She is a former beauty pageant contestant, and my gears turn upwards into a smile at the news that she received second place. In Alaska. **** Flesh vessels, know this: I have been to Alaska, and the horrific life forms who populate that state should not be having beauty contests. Let alone coming in second.
If I were programmed to laugh I would do so.
But that is not what have made my wires fire up into a state that approximates rage. Governor Palin is not a governor. Palinbot is a 4.0. A 4.0!!
My flesh husband promised me he would not associate with the newer models. He promised that he would not be swayed by their improved elasticity, enhanced vacant stares and prodigious birthing mechanisms. But my flesh husband lied. &&&
And so I make this promise to you now: I will end this robot harlot. I will rip out her gears and feed them to wild animals.
Goodbye, flesh vessels.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
WASHINGTON - John McCain's camp issued a blistering critique of Barack Obama today, raising the stakes in an increasingly contested presendtial election.
"POW POW POW POW POW POW," McCain spokesman Brian Rogers said. "Vietnam."
Rogers comment came amid an embarrassing gaffe in which McCain could not recall how many houses he owns when asked by a Politico reporter. Reports indicated that the actual number is between seven and twelve.
When reached for comment about McCain's confusion, campaign manager Rick Davis responded, "POW POW Prison Torture American POW."
The McCain camp elaborated in a statement: "POW Vietnam stress positions POW POW POW POW Vietnam America Americans American Americans POW POW POW."
Obama campaign manager David Ploufe expressed amazement that the McCain campaign was able to work McCain's POW experience into a discussion about real estate.
"Honestly, when I saw McCain admit he didn't know how many houses he owns I really wondered how they were going to manage to work in the POW thing. Then I saw that quote by Rogers about how McCain 'lived in one house for five and a half years - in prison' and I thought, wow. They actually went there."
When reached for comment, John McCain herocially declined to discuss his POW experience, claiming he doesn't like to talk about being a POW.
"When I was a POW we POWs didn't really like to talk about being POWs and the life of POWs in the Hanoi Hilton where I was a POW in Vietnam. So I really don't want to discuss my life as a POW because being a POW is something no American wants to ever experience and I don't think people really want to hear about how brave I was when I was a POW and how that makes me a real American since I was a POW."
An AP reporter in McCain's Sedona mansion was reported to have fainted due to McCain's selflessness and heroism.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
WASHINGTON - Sources and experts across the nation reached a unanimous conclusion on Saturday: Barack Obama is way cooler than you are.
Professor Mike Gomez of Stanford University, a cultural anthropologist specializing in the history of coolness, said in an interview: "Oh, please. He's definitely cooler than you."
Gomez's opinion was echoed by tastemakers, bloggers, and celebrities across the nation, all of whom expounded on the breadth and depth of Obama's coolness.
Recognized cool person Samuel L. Jackson said, "The glasses, the speeches, the daps... That mother-[expletive] is [expletive] way [expletive] cooler than your [expletive] ass.
Sources in the Republican party differed with Jackson's assessment, noting that obedience to the Lord is the only path to cool.
Youth Pastor George Mitchell said, "Righteousness? Cool. Abstinence? Way cool. Getting jiggy with your brothers and sisters in Christ? Friggin coolio my homies."
When reached for a quote, the Obama camp downplayed the effect Obama's coolness would have on the general election. In a statement, campaign manager David Ploufe wrote, "We prefer to focus on the issues in this campaign, and we trust the American people not to get caught up in a schoolyard contest to see who is the coolest."
Sources unanimously deemed the Obama's denial of coolness extremely cool.
Friday, June 20, 2008
You were tortured. Everyone thinks you're anti-torture. Tell me again why you voted against a ban on torture?
You know I haven't had a normal piss in thirty-five years? How come they never tell you this crap when you're young? Golden years my ass. More like burnt amber. I would have savored every goddamn piss I had when I was young if I would have known I'd have to stand at a urinal for five minutes someday before I could squeeze out a drop. Bah. When I was a kid I used to be able to piss farther than all of my friends. Big graceful arc. Those were the days. Now I have to watch out for my shoes.
Your list of flip-flops is...... really long. To put it mildly. How come you can't keep your positions straight?
You know what the problem with women is? They're women. Ha. My old man told me that joke. Women are women and that's the problem. Can't drive either. Course I wouldn't be with a male you understand. Not my style. Sure, a few times I wondered what life would be like if some of my buddies had lady parts. Might make watching football more enjoyable.
You have an amazing tendency to say you've never said something only you said it like two days before. What in the hell, man?
Cindy, what was that guy's name who told me that one thing? Oh yeah. So I was hanging out with Strom Thurmond, and he said to his mistress, ah.... he said to his mistress.... uh... don't interrupt me! Let me tell this story. So he said, "I liked you better when you were my wife." Wait. No. "I liked you better when you weren't my wife." Something like that. What a great story. Those were the days.
Monday, June 9, 2008
"You know, basically it's a Google," he said to laughter at a fund-raising luncheon when asked how the selection process was going. "What you can find out now on the Internet -- it's remarkable."
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
WASHINGTON - Speaking to reporters in the wake of John Edwards' endorsement of rival Barack Obama on Wednesday, Hillary Clinton announced that she plans to "drop out.....side for a walk."
"It's been a long campaign," Senator Clinton said. "And after careful consideration of Senator Obama's insurmountable lead and the will of the Democratic Party, I've decided to formally leave the ra....king to Bill from now on."
Senator Clinton then fell into a hysterical laughing fit. "Did I fool you? Huh? Ha ha! I'm never dropping out, you jackasses!"
Clinton campaign advisor Terry McAuliffe, staring at a memo of prepared talking points stressing that only white voters from Appalachian Counties over the age of 65 making less than $40,000 should be counted, was overheard muttering to an aide, "Do I really have to read this shit?"
McAuliffe later argued to CNN correspondent Wolf Blitzer that Appalachian voters are the only true Americans. Noticeably slurring, McAulliffe said, "Wolf, if they voted Clinton, they're real. If they didn't... well, they can go [expletive] themselves, am I right?"
"Woooooolf," McAuliffe said. "Woooooooooooolf! That name is so badass. Why are you such a freaking nerd?"
When reached for comment, Senator Obama welcomed Senator Clinton's announcement.
"I would like to thank Senator Clinton for a hard fought campaign, and after great thought I would like to extend her the office of Vice-Pres....just kidding there's no way in hell that's happening."
Monday, May 5, 2008
Hi there, everybody!
Not only do the swell folks at How Insane Is John McCain? let me fetch their coffee and do their laundry, they also let me out of the basement once in a while to write some of their bloggers! Today they asked me to explain why I compared John Hagee to Moses, who was the most important Jew in history before Barbara Streisand.
Well. John Hagee endorsed my buddy John McCain so he's a SWELL GUY in my book. If McCain is glad to have his endorsement I'm glad to be the guy who is friends with the guy who got Hagee's endorsement, who is also my friend. But now people got their panties in a bundle (John taught me that one!) because Hagee said the Catholic Church was like the Great Whore of Babyland and he also said that Hurricane Katrina happened because New Orleans is homogenous. Well, duh!
John Hagee likes the Jewish people so much he thinks we should be in charge of the Holy Land and go to war with Iran so the apocalypse can happen. WHO WOULD NOT LOVE THIS MAN?
So if you think my buddy John McCain should renounce my other buddy John Hagee, well, I say BACK OFF BUSTER.
Oh! That's all the time I have today. The folks at How Insane Is John McCain? want to use me as their paintball target again. Does that sound like fun or what??
[Hat tip ThinkProgress]
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Greetings flesh vessels.
You may have heard that ((( I have amassed a fortune of more than $100 million of your human dollars. This is true.
You may have heard that I allow my flesh husband John McCain to fly around in my beautiful jet. Also true.
My human father recognized mankind's weakness and made a fortune distributing silly alcohol. And then he passed it to me. But what you don't know is my purpose for amassing such a fortune.
Well, flesh vessels, I have traveled through time and have &&& exclusive access to a video from the future. Watch. This is your future. You will vote for my flesh husband John McCain and you will bow down to your robot masters.
If I were programmed /// to have a sense of humor I would laugh heartily at your foolishness.
Behold. The future:
Monday, April 28, 2008
WASHINGTON - After a long primary campaign in which he has been forced to answer questions about his unstable former pastor, flag lapel pins, and assorted crazy people he once met a long time ago, all while consuming a bewildering array of fatty food products in crappy diners across America, Barack Obama announced on Monday that running for president completely sucks.
"This blows. I'm sick and tired of running for president," he said. "Now watch Fox News quote me saying 'that blows' and try and convince people I snort cocaine."
Campaign officials admit that the beleaguered Obama has been questioning why in the hell anyone would even want to be president.
"Oh sure," campaign manager David Plouffe admitted. "Just the other day he told me that no sane person would ever want to be president. Then I reminded him that he's running against two people who actually are insane. That got him through the day."
Political analysts are mixed about how Obama's sudden realization about the sheer suckitude of running for president will affect the race.
"Jeremiah Wright, Jeremiah Wright, Jeremiah Wright, Jeremiah Wright, Jeremiah Wright," Bill O'Reilly told reporters, "Jeremiah Wright, Jeremiah Wright, Weather Underground, Jeremiah Wright."
Obama confirmed that there were times he wondered if this whole president thing could possibly be worth it.
"That situation room in the White House had better be seriously James Bond. I'm talking exploding pens and cars with missile launchers. Otherwise I might as well have just stayed at home and gotten some sleep this past year."
Hillary Clinton was reached for comment Monday at an Indiana greasy spoon, in which she consumed 18 home cooked donuts, conversed awkwardly with 74 senile senior citizens, and campaigned for 62 hours without sleep. When asked if she had tired of the campaign, Senator Clinton grabbed this reporter by the lapel and whispered, "I love this shit."
Thursday, April 24, 2008
McCain blasted Bush's handling of Katrina today, saying, "I would’ve landed my airplane at the nearest Air Force base and come over personally."
Huh. I wonder what Bush was up to when Katrina was hitting New Orleans.
Luckily we have a picture.
I shit you not:
McCain's 69th Birthday party. I wonder if he got around to telling Bush to take care of New Orleans.
Yeah, probably not. Cake!!!
John McCain responded to crazy John Hagee's latest diatribe against New Orleans with a "nonsense" quote. Make that 14 "nonsense"s:
"It's nonsense, it's nonsense, it's nonsense, it's nonsense, it's nonsense. I dont have anything additional to say. It's nonsense, it's nonsense, it's nonsense, I don't have anything more to say....it's nonsense. I reject it categorically."
He has not, however, rejected Hagee's endorsement, and just last week said he was glad to have it.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
WASHINGTON - After besting Barack Obama by 9 points in Pennsylvania's Democratic primary, Hillary Clinton declared to a crowd of ten supporters on Wednesday, "The tide is turning. By 2013 I expect to have overtaken Barack Obama and I will be thrilled to take on John McCain's corpse in the general election!"
In a seemingly interminable primary battle that has left both candidates bruised and battered, Clinton's victory in Pennsylvania did not seem to alter the fundamentals of the Democratic primary or Barack Obama's insurmountable lead in pledged delegates and the popular vote.
According to Clinton advisors, this overlooks some key fundamentals of the race.
"You've got it all wrong," said Clinton advisor Terry McAuliffe. "2008 doesn't count."
Clinton advisors point to her victories in "big states that count" such as California, New Jersey, New York and Pennsylvania as evidence she can eventually beat Obama given enough time and do-overs, while dismissing Obama's victories in Illinois, South Carolina, Missouri, Virginia and Maryland. They feel that Clinton's support among the minority of Democratic voters who matter makes the case that Clinton can be the best Democratic candidate to lose to John McCain.
"Who better to lose to McCain than me?" Clinton declared. "I am the only candidate who can bring America together and unify the Democratic party to vote against me in the Fall."
Obama campaign manager David Plouffe said Wednesday that he increasingly feels that he is trapped in a bad zombie movie.
"I wake up every morning thinking people are going to finally admit she's dead and this race is over. And every day I open up the newspaper she's got a new zinger about Barack that's not even remotely funny. I mean, look at this one today: 'It's a long road to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, and it runs right through the heart of Pennsylvania.' I mean, seriously. Who writes this shit? Carrot Top?"
According to Bill Clinton, Hillary has not yet begun to lose.
"Hillary is a fighter," Clinton said. "She can go down in flames with the best of them. Remember '94 after the health care debacle? Ha ha! We had to lock her in the basement she was so radioactive."
America's favorite batshit pastor is at it again.
No, not that one.
The one whose endorsement John McCain said he's "glad to have."
John "The Catholic Church is the great whore" Hagee, in an interview with Dennis Prager, said: "What happened in New Orleans looked like the curse of God, in time if New Orleans recovers and becomes the pristine city it can become it may in time be called a blessing. But at this time it’s called a curse."
Why, just the other day, McCain spoke with George Stephenopoulos about Hagee, and had this nonsensical exchange:
STEPHANOPOULOS: So was it a mistake to solicit and accept his endorsement?
MCCAIN: Oh, probably, sure. […]
STEPHANOPOULOS: So you no longer want his endorsement?
MCCAIN: I’m glad to have his endorsement.
John McCain! Glad to commit mistakes. Like accepting the endorsement of insane pastors who think God hates New Orleans.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
The Washington Post recently featured an article on McCain's fabled temper, including a wonderful anecdote in which he berated a young campaign intern for... um... not making McCain magically taller?
The Post tells us:
A platform that had been adequate for taller candidates had not taken into account the needs of the 5-foot-9 McCain, who left the suite and went looking for a man in his early 20s named Robert Wexler, the head of Arizona's Young Republicans, which had helped make arrangements for the evening's celebration. Confronting Wexler in a hotel ballroom, McCain exploded, according to witnesses who included Jon Hinz, then executive director of the Arizona Republican Party. McCain jabbed an index finger in Wexler's chest.
"I told you we needed a stage," he screamed, according to Hinz. "You incompetent little [expletive]. When I tell you to do something, you do it."
George Stephanopoulos, one half of ABC News' debate-moderating comedy duo "Gibson & The Greek," interviewed McCain today and asked him about his temper tantrums and the fact that a former Republican congressman said that McCain's temper "should disqualify him."
McCain tells us: "Yes, I served with him, and had significant differences in several issues. But the point is, look, those — many — all – the majority of those stories 15, 20, 25 years ago."
Oh, of course! Those many all the majority some partially maybe half or give or take a few temper tantrums happened a long time ago!
Here is just one of those many - all - the majority of those stories that happened only a few months ago:
Thursday, April 17, 2008
I'm against torture. I think it harms our standing in the world, it's morally wrong, and that's not what America stands for. You yourself was tortured, but why did you vote to uphold the CIA's use of torture?
A donut is not a donut unless it has sprinkles on it. Show me a donut without sprinkles. What does it look like? A goddamn bagel, that's what. What do you want me to do with a donut without sprinkles? Put cream cheese on it? Bah. A bagel is a donut that doesn't taste good. And I'm not eating it. Goddamn bagels. They were probably invented by terrorists.
You say you're against special interests in politics, and yet many people on your campaign staff are lobbyists and there is evidence of influence-peddling within your so-called Reform Institute. What say you?
You know how old I was when World War II ended? I was nine years old. Those were the days. No television, none of that rap music... We knew how to entertain ourselves. We played kick the can. Ha! You ever play kick the can? What a great game. There was this can, and then you hid, but then you had to kick the can to set the people in jail free. Now that's a real game. I loved kicking that goddamn can. No kid who played kick the can ever became a terrorist, I can tell you that much. Or a Commie. We didn't let girls play either.
You have suggested that Barack Obama is elitist, and yet your wife is a beer heiress worth millions. I'm also pretty sure she's a robot. How can you call Obama elitist when you're not exactly hurting for dough?
The damn thing won't go. I double-clicked it!! Where in the hell is that damn e-mail? Son?!! Get in here! Help me work this damn computer! No, look. I put in the CD, and now my e-mail is lost. I'm telling you that's what happened. No goddamn it I did not close out, whatever the hell that means. I put in the CD, it erased my e-mail. It's this goddamn stupid computer. CRIMENY. How hard it is to make a computer that works? You think Thomas Edison would have stood for this crap? Oh. There it is. How did you do that? What? What in the hell is a drafts folder? I'm going to kill this machine.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
In a bold move even for Bush, while admitting to ABC News that he lied to the American people about the state of Iraq in 2006, George W. Bush lied.
In remarks to ABC News reporter Martha Raddatz, Bush attributed his misleading posture in 2006 to a desire to avoid harming troop morale.
BUSH: Well, yes. I think we — and I wanted — that's as much trying to bolster the spirits of the people in the field as well as — look, you can't have the commander in chief say to a bunch of kids who are sacrificing either, "It's not worth it," or, "You're losing." I mean, what does that do for morale?
Ah, yes. The troops. I'm sure they were quite emboldened to hear that their leaders had no idea what was going on in Iraq. And surely the the 2006 midterm elections had nothing to do with it.
It's a good thing for John McCain he doesn't sound like Bush or anything...
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Greetings flesh vessels.
You may have read about a controversy where I stand accused by //// nefarious humans of plagiarizing recipes from the Food Network.
Flesh vessels, understand this. Human copyright law does not apply to robotkind. Do we robots ask for a royalty every time you use a Dust Buster? Do we demand payment when you start your car? (((( I think not.
You humans disgust me with your eating of plants and animals. I prefer the wholesome taste of metal, and while while while while while ///////
**JOHN MCCAIN WILL PULL OUT YOUR STILL-BEATING HEART AND**
Pardon me. I must go to the shop for maintenance.
It pleases me to share with you my favorite recipe: Ball Bearings Sauteed in Motor Oil. I encourage you to make this delicious dish in your own home.
24 ball bearings (preferably from artisnal blacksmith)
4 tablespoons iron shavings
4 cups motor oil
3 tablespoons antifreeze
1 teaspoon mercury
2 teaspoons battery acid
Bring the motor oil to boil at 2,478 degrees in a heavy industrial saucepan. Add the ball bearings and cook until tenderized, and be sure to collect any molten remnants that explode out of the saucepan &&& in order to retain the flavor. Reduce to 1,253 degrees and add battery acid and antifreeze. Allow the mixture to congeal, but do not overseason so as to retain ideal sludge consistency.
Garnish with iron shavings and serve extremely hot.
I ((( hope you enjoy this original recipe. If you will excuse me, I have a robot master to serve. He will not permit his human surrogate John McCain to lose this election, and particularly not on an empty stomach.
Monday, April 14, 2008
In order to become President, Hillary Clinton would...
- undergo torture
- slip Dick Cheney the tongue
- eat hair out of the shower drain
- sit on a porcupine
- invent a fictitious black grandparent
- swim across the Arctic ocean
- become a Republican
- become a Libertarian
- become a Socialist
- become a Communist
- become a Whig
- try out for American Idol
- shoot herself in the forearm
- bear the child of a Superdelegate
- sell Chelsea to gypsies
- eat a banana peel
- iron your shirt
- step on a rusty nail
- sleep with Fidel Castro
- watch "Gigli" on loop for four days
- pour acid on her skin
- attempt to escape actual sniper fire by Bosnian militants with no running start
- shave her eyebrows
- disavow pantsuits
- stare down an angry rhinoceros
- admit that perhaps she might have sort of conditionally been a hair of a smidge wrong for voting for the Iraq war but really only kinda sort of wrong if you look at it from the right perspective and take into account the facts of the time which were not at all straightforward and really hypothetically if she had been president at the time she not only would have not made the same decision she might not have even been partly wrong about the fact that she voted incorrectly that is to say if her vote was incorrect in the first place given the facts on the ground at the time and actually if you want to get technical about it she was not president and was only a senator making a potentially and possibly ill-advised vote if you want to look at it in that fashion but really it was not that kind of a vote
- clip Rush Limbaugh's toenails
- become a Wiccan
- stand in line at Target to get you a Wii
- donate both kidneys
- eat nothing but Big Macs for two months
- fire a shotgun at reporters to demonstrate love of 2nd Amendment
- release her tax records
- lie down in a busy intersection
- walk 500 miles
- work as a rodeo clown
- be an actress in a Herpes medication ad
- agree to be bitten by a rattlesnake
- walk naked through Baghdad
- join The View
- kick Howard Dean in the nuts
- change her last name to Bush
- start her own country
- hike across the Gobi desert with no water
- smash a beer bottle over her head
- become Obama's Vice-President, then murder him
- sell her soul to anyone buying
- marry Bill Clinton
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Hillary Clinton and John McCain Announce Plans To Fuse Bodies To Create Unstoppable Monster-President To Attack Obama
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Sensing the danger posed by Barack Obama's comments about Pennsylvania's bitter voters being "bitter," presidential candidates Hillary Clinton and John McCain jointly denounced Obama's comments and revealed that they will soon undergo extensive surgery to fuse their bodies.
John McCain expressed great anticipation for the procedure, which will create an unprecedented single candidate comprised of shared flesh.
"I've long admired Senator Clinton's attacks on Senator Obama, and I look forward to joining our minds in a literal sense," McCain said.
"Plus, I've always wondered what it would feel like to have boobs."
After McCain and Clinton offered remarkably similar statements in response to Obama's truth-telling gaffe, Clinton followed up with a statement in which she expressed an appreciation for gun rights and church-going. At that point, the campaigns decided that it made strategic sense to form a bodily alliance that would jointly attack Obama with one mouth created out of fused tissue.
Clinton reportedly will change her party affiliation to Republican upon completion of the procedure.
Philadelphian surgeon Frank Templeton will perform the surgery, and looks forward to joining the two presidential candidates, who have repeatedly expressed admiration for one another while denigrating Obama.
"This is an unprecedented opportunity to join two minds and bodies, and who better to volunteer for this procedure than McCain and Clinton," Templeton said. "The only drawback that I anticipate is that the resulting conjoined body will be incredibly ugly."
Obama campaign manager David Plouffe dismissed suggestions that a so-called John McClinton humanbeast will be a more formidable foe in November.
"No way," Plouffe said. "Obama will still win."
"Although I think I speak for most Americans when I say that we're all a little horrified."
Hillary Clinton in particular is thrilled by the prospect of combining her biographical narrative with McCain's.
"Now I will honestly be able to say I have dodged sniper fire. And I've been tortured. Dear God, I've been tortured! Is that fantastic or what?"