Republican Sources: Barack Obama Invented Cancer

WASHINGTON - The 2008 campaign for President took a dramatic turn on Friday amid a crumbling economy and a bleak analysis of the ongoing war in Afghanistan. Republican sources, citing various Washington Times, New York Post and Fox News reports, alleged that Democratic Presidential nominee Barack Obama invented cancer.

"It's true," McCain campaign spokesman Tucker Bounds said. "He invented cancer. Then he used it to attack America. The question the mainstream media should be asking is: Why does Barack Obama hate the healthy division of cells?"

Republican operatives hit the airwaves on Friday in a blistering critique of Obama's alleged "cancer terrorist laboratories."

Fox News host Bill O'Reilly said, "Look. What every American wants to know is, who invented the disease that killed grandma? Well, now you have your answer. Barack Obama killed grandma. Also Bill Ayers."

Scientists disputed the accuracy of the charge, but refused to fully deny the possibility.

"Are you really asking me that?" MIT scientist Harry Yang asked. "Shouldn't we be talking about stem cell research or something?"

McCain campaign manager Rick Davis defended the McCain campaign's allegations.

"This isn't an election about issues. This is an election about the truth. And the truth is, no one can prove that Barack Obama did not invent cancer. We are also investigating his ties to the common cold."

In a testy interview, John McCain also defended his campaign's assertions.

"My friends, that's the record. I have the records to prove it. I will send them to you. That's the record. It's a matter of public record. Heh heh."

Obama campaign manager David Ploufe refused to address the charges.

"Oh, I'm sorry, could you repeat the question? I was too busy staring at these polls showing Obama 15 points ahead in Utah."