McCain Gives Important Speech On MLK As Black Man Holds His Umbrella

What better way to reassure voters that you're sorry for voting against MLK Day than to give a much-heckled speech aside an African American holding your umbrella?


Rest assured, voters, that McCain's racial views are now up to circa-1983 standards, although apparently he misplaced his sense of awkward racial imagery somewhere in the 1950s.

McCain Insanometer 4/4/08

McCain Endorsed By Heidi Montag, Can Satan Be Far Behind?

Professional Celebutard Heidi Montag endorsed John McCain this week, and he was kind enough to pretend that he'd even heard of that television channel the kids are calling Music Television Station.

This can only help him with the crucial Heidi/Spencer demographic, and effectively kills his chances with every other sentient being on the planet.

McCain's "I Bonked a Broad At Every Port" Tour Continues in Florida

As the world's attention is consumed with the long Hillary Clinton suicide mission better known as the Democratic primary, John McCain is busy wheezing around the country on a "biography tour," which is apparently supposed to remind everyone that John McCain is unbelievably old.

Amid the crushing boredom of this tour, the Wall Street Journal's Washington Wire blog would have you believe that young Johnny McCain was a red-blooded American slut!! First there was the imaginary Brazillian girlfriend, now they're trying to tell us that McCain banged a stripper who cleaned her nails with a switchblade

Yeah. That checks out.

Who's up next on McCain's black book circa 1958, the Queen of France?

The John McCain Comedy Tour

Hey there, wheelers and dealers! McCain campaign manager and Verizon lobbyist Rick Davis here, and have I got a deal for you. Trust me 18-25 year olds, you haven't seen anything this radically tubular since the Razr flipped your lids!

For a limited time only, for the low low price $2,300, I'm pleased to offer you tickets on the John McCain Comedy Tour!! See our wise-cracking Senator from Arizona tell some of his favorite jokes!!! You'll laugh harder than you do while listening to Tenacious D on Verizon VCast. I love Josh Black!

Here's a sneak preview of some of Johnny McCain's best stuff. Have you heard the one about suicide bombers?



Oh, he slays me! Get it? Suicide bomber?? Slay? Ha ha! McCain's not the only funny one on the Straight Talk Express.

Or how about this one about two guys from Ireland?



Well campers, truth be told I don't know if I got that one. But the Republicans in the background freaking loved it!!

So remember, send in your checks for the federal campaign limit of $2,300. Oh what the hell, go ahead and send a check from your dead grandmother too.

And remember folks, cell phones don't cause cancer, they cure cancer!! This is Rick Davis, hanging up.

McCain's "Girlfriend" From Brazil

So you know how at every school there's that kid who eats his own boogers and who everyone picks on, and since he can't get a girlfriend he inevitably makes up a story about having an imaginary girlfriend in Canada and he tells people they've totally made it to second base and brags about how she's so hot, only no one believes it for a second?

McCain's is from Brazil.

McCain: An Old Man in 1954

John McCain's yearbook quote from 1954:

John is remarkable for the amount of gray hair he has; this may come from his cramming for Annapolis or from his nocturnal perambulations.

Holy crap. And here I thought he was just an old man. Apparently he's always been old.

[WSJ]