BREAKING NEWS: According to Sources, John McCain Still a Republican

WASHINGTON - In a shocking development sure to rattle an already tense primary campaign, John McCain is still a Republican.

According to McCain's campaign manager, telecom lobbyist Rick Davis, McCain has not contemplated changing his party affiliation in at least several days.

"John McCain is still a Republican," Davis said. "Well. Last time I checked."

The New York Times recently detailed two instances where McCain contemplated switching parties, first after losing the 2000 primary to George W. Bush and again when John Kerry asked him to be his running mate.

But according to longtime aide Laura Miller, those dalliances were merely the tip of the iceberg.

"Oh wow. You should have seen the time John found out the Democrats had a better shrimp cocktail platter at their annual Christmas party," Miller said.

"I thought we were going to have mutiny on our hands."

In addition to the shrimp cocktail incident, McCain's reasons for leaving the Republican Party at various times were triggered by a preference for the color blue, the discovery that actress Natalie Portman is a Democrat, a lifelong fear of elephants, his love of the movie "Object Of My Affection," and top Democrats' proximity to "nicer-smelling bathrooms" within the Capitol Building, among others.

McCain couldn't be reached for comment by press time, so his current party affiliation is mere conjecture.

McCain was last seen giving a policy speech in Los Angeles, in which he suggested the formation of a UN-esque League of Democracies, called for action on climate change, advocated the closure of Guantanamo, and suggested that Ronald Reagan and Ronald Reagan alone was not responsible for winning the Cold War.

No word on whether these policies still qualify him for membership in the Republican Party.