Friday, June 20, 2008

Ask John McCain: Flip Flops

Dear John,

You were tortured. Everyone thinks you're anti-torture. Tell me again why you voted against a ban on torture?

You know I haven't had a normal piss in thirty-five years? How come they never tell you this crap when you're young? Golden years my ass. More like burnt amber. I would have savored every goddamn piss I had when I was young if I would have known I'd have to stand at a urinal for five minutes someday before I could squeeze out a drop. Bah. When I was a kid I used to be able to piss farther than all of my friends. Big graceful arc. Those were the days. Now I have to watch out for my shoes.

Dear John,

Your list of flip-flops is...... really long. To put it mildly. How come you can't keep your positions straight?

You know what the problem with women is? They're women. Ha. My old man told me that joke. Women are women and that's the problem. Can't drive either. Course I wouldn't be with a male you understand. Not my style. Sure, a few times I wondered what life would be like if some of my buddies had lady parts. Might make watching football more enjoyable.

Dear John,

You have an amazing tendency to say you've never said something only you said it like two days before. What in the hell, man?

Cindy, what was that guy's name who told me that one thing? Oh yeah. So I was hanging out with Strom Thurmond, and he said to his mistress, ah.... he said to his mistress.... uh... don't interrupt me! Let me tell this story. So he said, "I liked you better when you were my wife." Wait. No. "I liked you better when you weren't my wife." Something like that. What a great story. Those were the days.