Republican Sources: Barack Obama Invented Cancer

WASHINGTON - The 2008 campaign for President took a dramatic turn on Friday amid a crumbling economy and a bleak analysis of the ongoing war in Afghanistan. Republican sources, citing various Washington Times, New York Post and Fox News reports, alleged that Democratic Presidential nominee Barack Obama invented cancer.

"It's true," McCain campaign spokesman Tucker Bounds said. "He invented cancer. Then he used it to attack America. The question the mainstream media should be asking is: Why does Barack Obama hate the healthy division of cells?"

Republican operatives hit the airwaves on Friday in a blistering critique of Obama's alleged "cancer terrorist laboratories."

Fox News host Bill O'Reilly said, "Look. What every American wants to know is, who invented the disease that killed grandma? Well, now you have your answer. Barack Obama killed grandma. Also Bill Ayers."

Scientists disputed the accuracy of the charge, but refused to fully deny the possibility.

"Are you really asking me that?" MIT scientist Harry Yang asked. "Shouldn't we be talking about stem cell research or something?"

McCain campaign manager Rick Davis defended the McCain campaign's allegations.

"This isn't an election about issues. This is an election about the truth. And the truth is, no one can prove that Barack Obama did not invent cancer. We are also investigating his ties to the common cold."

In a testy interview, John McCain also defended his campaign's assertions.

"My friends, that's the record. I have the records to prove it. I will send them to you. That's the record. It's a matter of public record. Heh heh."

Obama campaign manager David Ploufe refused to address the charges.

"Oh, I'm sorry, could you repeat the question? I was too busy staring at these polls showing Obama 15 points ahead in Utah."

Cindybot 3.5 On the Debate

Greetings, flesh vessels.

Many of you know that I am prepared /// to scatter the still-bleeding limbs of my flesh husband's running mate to various carnivorous animals. This is so. My flesh husband promised me he would not stray from my cold plastic side and dally with the newer models. He lied to me. ^&#

%%%PALINBOT 4.0 MUST BE DESTROYED. I WILL KILL HER... GGGGGG

Pardon me. My software must need updating.

I vow this to you, flesh vessels: I will have the last laugh. Watch this 4.0 malfunction:



My gears approximate laughter.

This is not the end.

Ask Sarah Palin

Dear Sarah,

What makes you qualified to be Vice President?

Gee, first off, thanks to the great folks at How Insane Is John McCain? for having me. What makes me qualified to be Vice President? Well, in the history of our great nation there have been rationalities for making decisions based on the will of the people who decide to make decisions based on the people's will and it's my fervent belief in the process of governance that has led us to become such a historical country that we're in a position to be able to choose the leaders which separates us from the places like Russia where they don't have the will to choose their democracy by the popular vote of constituents who are so ready to embrace the fundamentals of freedom.

Dear Sarah,

When Katie Couric asked you what newspapers you read, you couldn't name a single one. Why is that?

In the annals of our inalienable rights we have one of the most fundamental beliefs which is the freedom of the press and it's such a wonderful testament to the values of the American people that allow our democracy to be a bastion to the folks in other countries who don't have such values and it's such a shame that the terrorists and evil doers who want to do us harm want to harm us because of the freedoms that we hold dear which is why John McCain and I will try and kill the terrorists where they are although we should respect the integrity of borders unless the terrorists are going to attack us in which case we should take that into consideration.

Dear Sarah,

Do you have the slightest clue what is going on in the world?

In the process of running for Vice President I've had the opportunity to meet with so many people across the country who share the nation's desire for a different style of government than the one that has been around for the last eight years and since John McCain was around for those eight years and supported those policies he's absolutely the right man to not only support the job we've done last eight years and also bring change to the Washington culture he's been a part of for the last twenty eights years and that is why I'm so proud to be running with someone like John McCain.

Things McCain Has Invented

Today, McCain campaign adviser Douglas Holtz-Eakin suggested that McCain had invented the Blackberry, because McCain had been on Senate Commerce Committee at the same time the Blackberry was invented in Canada. I swear this is true. He said Blackberries are "a miracle that John McCain helped create."

Luckily for the readers of How Insane Is John McCain, I have received, direct from McCain campaign headquarters, an exclusive list of the things McCain has invented over the course of his life.

John McCain has invented:

- Blackberries
- quarters
- potted plants
- globes
- carpet
- mom jeans
- tumbleweeds
- the typewriter ribbon
- railroad signals
- #2 pencils
- tomatoes
- poodle skirts
- Arkansas
- napalm
- paintings
- marmots
- morse code
- Bigfoot
- sexism
- grecian urns
- AA batteries
- square dancing
- forest fires
- Internet forwards
- fanny packs
- typos
- awkward pauses
- boy bands
- anger
- Sarah Palin

Sarah Palin Will Shoot You In The Face

http://sarahpalinwillshootyouintheface.com/

The Myth of the Maverick: John McCain

Many people think John McCain is a straight talking Maverick who speaks his mind, has principles, is Independent-minded, and isn't your average Republican. But honestly, when you look at his record, most of the assumptions people have about McCain just aren't true.

Here's a list of the differences between public and media image and McCain's actual record.


MYTH: John McCain disagrees with George Bush on important issues.

FACT: McCain once opposed Bush on tax cuts for the wealthy, now he supports them. McCain voted with George Bush to uphold torture. Like Bush, he favors privatizing social security. He once opposed warrantless wiretapping, then he voted in favor of them with Bush. He once opposed offshore drilling, now, like Bush, he supports it. He has echoed Bush's belief that the fundamentals of the economy are strong. He supported the Iraq war and thought it would be easy. It's really actually true that he voted with George Bush 95% of the time. They even celebrated McCain's 69th Birthday together as Katrina was hitting New Orleans.

Just listen to the man himself:




MYTH: John McCain is against torture.

FACT: Despite once being tortured, John McCain voted to uphold the CIA's use of torture by voting against a bill that would have banned CIA waterboarding and other harsh interrogation methods earlier this year. When the bill passed despite McCain's vote, he urged Bush to veto the bill, which he did, enshrining the CIA's right to torture. McCain has since said he believes waterboarding is torture.


MYTH: McCain believes in women's issues.

FACT: McCain is not only opposed to abortion, he is also opposed to requiring health care providers to cover contraception. McCain has also long opposed equal pay for women.


MYTH: John McCain is a straight-shooter.

FACT: McCain has repeatedly waffled on many issues over the years and has flip-flopped on many important issues. He even sacrificed principle for expediencey on issues in his 2000 primary campaign, most notably when he embraced South Carolina's use of the Confederate flag during the campaign, and then made the rounds to reporters to apologize for it afterwards.


MYTH: McCain is running an honorable campaign.

FACT: During the 2000 campaign, there was a push-poll in South Carolina that suggested that McCain's adopted Bangladeshi daughter was an illegitimate black daughter. The "mastermind" behind that smear was Tucker Eskew, and McCain recently hired him for this election. He has also engaged Karl Rove as a mid-level adviser, and his director of communications, Steve Schmidt, is a Rove protege. These operatives and others have crafted McCain-approved smear ads, including one that Joe Klein called the sleaziest he has ever seen in presidential politics. Even the Associated Press has called out the McCain campaign for engaging in lies and doublespeak.

You be the judge:




MYTH: McCain will lower your taxes.

FACT: McCain wants to lower income taxes, especially if you're rich. However, a little-reported aspect of McCain's health care proposal is that he wants to do away with employer-based tax deduction for health insurance -- basically, when your employer gives you health care, the amount they spend on you (about $12,000 for the average family) isn't considered taxable income. McCain wants to eliminate that credit, and plans to replace that $12,000 with a $2,500 tax credit for individuals and $5,000 for families. It doesn't add up, and anyone who has good health insurance, especially those with pre-existing conditions, would pay far more for their health care, easily negating the tax break.


MYTH: McCain is secretly pro-choice.

FACT: McCain is not, and never has been, pro-choice, even though Cindy McCain feigned confusion about his stance. Once, in 1999, in one of his many flip-flops, he suggested that he wouldn't appeal Roe vs. Wade, but he has repeatedly expressed his opinion that it should be overturned.


MYTH: John and Cindy McCain have a great love story.

FACT: When John McCain was in Vietnam, his first wife was in a car accident and badly handicapped. McCain engaged in a series of affairs, including one with Cindy McCain, who he met in Hawaii while he was still married. She is 19 years younger than him. Cindy McCain is an heiress whose net worth is over $100 million, allowing McCain to fly around on a jet.


MYTH: McCain is moderate on immigration.

FACT: Many people think he is moderate on immigration and favors amnesty to workers who are already here. It's true that he co-sponsored a bill that would do just that. Now he says he would have voted against his own bill and that he favors an enforcement policy.


MYTH: McCain fights lobbyists.

FACT: A huge portion of McCain's campaign is made up of lobbyists, including his campaign manager Rick Davis. These are not recent ties, and have been ongoing for years. Here's a chart of McCain's lobbyist ties.


MYTH: McCain isn't THAT old.

FACT: McCain would be the oldest person to be inaugurated president. According to actuarial tables, he has about a 15% chance of dying in his first term. Also his hair went gray in 1954 and he remembers the attack on Pearl Harbor in 1941.


MYTH: McCain is funny.

FACT:

Sarah Palin and the Bush Doctrine

Sure. You may not know what the Bush Doctrine is. It probably means you've been spending too much time watching reality TV shows the last 7 years, but that's ok. I love me some Rock of Love too.

But don't you kinda think the person who is running to take over the job if the President croaks should know what the Bush Doctrine is?

And then, after the reporter kindly explains what the Bush Doctrine is, don't you think someone who could be a heartbeat away from the Presidency should be able to give a straight answer on whether or not she agrees with it?