Cindybot 3.5 on Sarah Palin

[Engage blog post]

That bitch.

You may have heard the /// news that my flesh husband has chosen a running mate. He has.

She is a former beauty pageant contestant, and my gears turn upwards into a smile at the news that she received second place. In Alaska. **** Flesh vessels, know this: I have been to Alaska, and the horrific life forms who populate that state should not be having beauty contests. Let alone coming in second.

If I were programmed to laugh I would do so.

But that is not what have made my wires fire up into a state that approximates rage. Governor Palin is not a governor. Palinbot is a 4.0. A 4.0!!

My flesh husband promised me he would not associate with the newer models. He promised that he would not be swayed by their improved elasticity, enhanced vacant stares and prodigious birthing mechanisms. But my flesh husband lied. &&&

And so I make this promise to you now: I will end this robot harlot. I will rip out her gears and feed them to wild animals.

Goodbye, flesh vessels.

McCain Camp: "POW Vietnam Prison Torture POW Vietnam"

WASHINGTON - John McCain's camp issued a blistering critique of Barack Obama today, raising the stakes in an increasingly contested presendtial election.

"POW POW POW POW POW POW," McCain spokesman Brian Rogers said. "Vietnam."

Rogers comment came amid an embarrassing gaffe in which McCain could not recall how many houses he owns when asked by a Politico reporter. Reports indicated that the actual number is between seven and twelve.

When reached for comment about McCain's confusion, campaign manager Rick Davis responded, "POW POW Prison Torture American POW."

The McCain camp elaborated in a statement: "POW Vietnam stress positions POW POW POW POW Vietnam America Americans American Americans POW POW POW."

Obama campaign manager David Ploufe expressed amazement that the McCain campaign was able to work McCain's POW experience into a discussion about real estate.

"Honestly, when I saw McCain admit he didn't know how many houses he owns I really wondered how they were going to manage to work in the POW thing. Then I saw that quote by Rogers about how McCain 'lived in one house for five and a half years - in prison' and I thought, wow. They actually went there."

When reached for comment, John McCain herocially declined to discuss his POW experience, claiming he doesn't like to talk about being a POW.

"When I was a POW we POWs didn't really like to talk about being POWs and the life of POWs in the Hanoi Hilton where I was a POW in Vietnam. So I really don't want to discuss my life as a POW because being a POW is something no American wants to ever experience and I don't think people really want to hear about how brave I was when I was a POW and how that makes me a real American since I was a POW."

An AP reporter in McCain's Sedona mansion was reported to have fainted due to McCain's selflessness and heroism.

Sources: Barack Obama is Way Cooler Than You Are

WASHINGTON - Sources and experts across the nation reached a unanimous conclusion on Saturday: Barack Obama is way cooler than you are.

Professor Mike Gomez of Stanford University, a cultural anthropologist specializing in the history of coolness, said in an interview: "Oh, please. He's definitely cooler than you."

Gomez's opinion was echoed by tastemakers, bloggers, and celebrities across the nation, all of whom expounded on the breadth and depth of Obama's coolness.

Recognized cool person Samuel L. Jackson said, "The glasses, the speeches, the daps... That mother-[expletive] is [expletive] way [expletive] cooler than your [expletive] ass.

Sources in the Republican party differed with Jackson's assessment, noting that obedience to the Lord is the only path to cool.

Youth Pastor George Mitchell said, "Righteousness? Cool. Abstinence? Way cool. Getting jiggy with your brothers and sisters in Christ? Friggin coolio my homies."

When reached for a quote, the Obama camp downplayed the effect Obama's coolness would have on the general election. In a statement, campaign manager David Ploufe wrote, "We prefer to focus on the issues in this campaign, and we trust the American people not to get caught up in a schoolyard contest to see who is the coolest."

Sources unanimously deemed the Obama's denial of coolness extremely cool.

Ask John McCain: Flip Flops

Dear John,

You were tortured. Everyone thinks you're anti-torture. Tell me again why you voted against a ban on torture?

You know I haven't had a normal piss in thirty-five years? How come they never tell you this crap when you're young? Golden years my ass. More like burnt amber. I would have savored every goddamn piss I had when I was young if I would have known I'd have to stand at a urinal for five minutes someday before I could squeeze out a drop. Bah. When I was a kid I used to be able to piss farther than all of my friends. Big graceful arc. Those were the days. Now I have to watch out for my shoes.

Dear John,

Your list of flip-flops is...... really long. To put it mildly. How come you can't keep your positions straight?

You know what the problem with women is? They're women. Ha. My old man told me that joke. Women are women and that's the problem. Can't drive either. Course I wouldn't be with a male you understand. Not my style. Sure, a few times I wondered what life would be like if some of my buddies had lady parts. Might make watching football more enjoyable.

Dear John,

You have an amazing tendency to say you've never said something only you said it like two days before. What in the hell, man?

Cindy, what was that guy's name who told me that one thing? Oh yeah. So I was hanging out with Strom Thurmond, and he said to his mistress, ah.... he said to his mistress.... uh... don't interrupt me! Let me tell this story. So he said, "I liked you better when you were my wife." Wait. No. "I liked you better when you weren't my wife." Something like that. What a great story. Those were the days.

McCain on Using The Internet to Vet VPs: "It's a Google."

Full quote:

"You know, basically it's a Google," he said to laughter at a fund-raising luncheon when asked how the selection process was going. "What you can find out now on the Internet -- it's remarkable."

NY Times

Hillary Clinton Announces Plans to "Drop Out.....side for a walk."

WASHINGTON - Speaking to reporters in the wake of John Edwards' endorsement of rival Barack Obama on Wednesday, Hillary Clinton announced that she plans to "drop out.....side for a walk."

"It's been a long campaign," Senator Clinton said. "And after careful consideration of Senator Obama's insurmountable lead and the will of the Democratic Party, I've decided to formally leave the ra....king to Bill from now on."

Senator Clinton then fell into a hysterical laughing fit. "Did I fool you? Huh? Ha ha! I'm never dropping out, you jackasses!"

Clinton campaign advisor Terry McAuliffe, staring at a memo of prepared talking points stressing that only white voters from Appalachian Counties over the age of 65 making less than $40,000 should be counted, was overheard muttering to an aide, "Do I really have to read this shit?"
'
McAuliffe later argued to CNN correspondent Wolf Blitzer that Appalachian voters are the only true Americans. Noticeably slurring, McAulliffe said, "Wolf, if they voted Clinton, they're real. If they didn't... well, they can go [expletive] themselves, am I right?"

"Woooooolf," McAuliffe said. "Woooooooooooolf! That name is so badass. Why are you such a freaking nerd?"

When reached for comment, Senator Obama welcomed Senator Clinton's announcement.

"I would like to thank Senator Clinton for a hard fought campaign, and after great thought I would like to extend her the office of Vice-Pres....just kidding there's no way in hell that's happening."

Intern Joe Explains Why He Compared John Hagee to Moses

Hi there, everybody!

Not only do the swell folks at How Insane Is John McCain? let me fetch their coffee and do their laundry, they also let me out of the basement once in a while to write some of their bloggers! Today they asked me to explain why I compared John Hagee to Moses, who was the most important Jew in history before Barbara Streisand.

Well. John Hagee endorsed my buddy John McCain so he's a SWELL GUY in my book. If McCain is glad to have his endorsement I'm glad to be the guy who is friends with the guy who got Hagee's endorsement, who is also my friend. But now people got their panties in a bundle (John taught me that one!) because Hagee said the Catholic Church was like the Great Whore of Babyland and he also said that Hurricane Katrina happened because New Orleans is homogenous. Well, duh!

John Hagee likes the Jewish people so much he thinks we should be in charge of the Holy Land and go to war with Iran so the apocalypse can happen. WHO WOULD NOT LOVE THIS MAN?

So if you think my buddy John McCain should renounce my other buddy John Hagee, well, I say BACK OFF BUSTER.

Oh! That's all the time I have today. The folks at How Insane Is John McCain? want to use me as their paintball target again. Does that sound like fun or what??

[Hat tip ThinkProgress]