Sources: Barack Obama is Way Cooler Than You Are

WASHINGTON - Sources and experts across the nation reached a unanimous conclusion on Saturday: Barack Obama is way cooler than you are.

Professor Mike Gomez of Stanford University, a cultural anthropologist specializing in the history of coolness, said in an interview: "Oh, please. He's definitely cooler than you."

Gomez's opinion was echoed by tastemakers, bloggers, and celebrities across the nation, all of whom expounded on the breadth and depth of Obama's coolness.

Recognized cool person Samuel L. Jackson said, "The glasses, the speeches, the daps... That mother-[expletive] is [expletive] way [expletive] cooler than your [expletive] ass.

Sources in the Republican party differed with Jackson's assessment, noting that obedience to the Lord is the only path to cool.

Youth Pastor George Mitchell said, "Righteousness? Cool. Abstinence? Way cool. Getting jiggy with your brothers and sisters in Christ? Friggin coolio my homies."

When reached for a quote, the Obama camp downplayed the effect Obama's coolness would have on the general election. In a statement, campaign manager David Ploufe wrote, "We prefer to focus on the issues in this campaign, and we trust the American people not to get caught up in a schoolyard contest to see who is the coolest."

Sources unanimously deemed the Obama's denial of coolness extremely cool.

Ask John McCain: Flip Flops

Dear John,

You were tortured. Everyone thinks you're anti-torture. Tell me again why you voted against a ban on torture?

You know I haven't had a normal piss in thirty-five years? How come they never tell you this crap when you're young? Golden years my ass. More like burnt amber. I would have savored every goddamn piss I had when I was young if I would have known I'd have to stand at a urinal for five minutes someday before I could squeeze out a drop. Bah. When I was a kid I used to be able to piss farther than all of my friends. Big graceful arc. Those were the days. Now I have to watch out for my shoes.

Dear John,

Your list of flip-flops is...... really long. To put it mildly. How come you can't keep your positions straight?

You know what the problem with women is? They're women. Ha. My old man told me that joke. Women are women and that's the problem. Can't drive either. Course I wouldn't be with a male you understand. Not my style. Sure, a few times I wondered what life would be like if some of my buddies had lady parts. Might make watching football more enjoyable.

Dear John,

You have an amazing tendency to say you've never said something only you said it like two days before. What in the hell, man?

Cindy, what was that guy's name who told me that one thing? Oh yeah. So I was hanging out with Strom Thurmond, and he said to his mistress, ah.... he said to his mistress.... uh... don't interrupt me! Let me tell this story. So he said, "I liked you better when you were my wife." Wait. No. "I liked you better when you weren't my wife." Something like that. What a great story. Those were the days.

McCain on Using The Internet to Vet VPs: "It's a Google."

Full quote:

"You know, basically it's a Google," he said to laughter at a fund-raising luncheon when asked how the selection process was going. "What you can find out now on the Internet -- it's remarkable."

NY Times

Hillary Clinton Announces Plans to "Drop Out.....side for a walk."

WASHINGTON - Speaking to reporters in the wake of John Edwards' endorsement of rival Barack Obama on Wednesday, Hillary Clinton announced that she plans to "drop out.....side for a walk."

"It's been a long campaign," Senator Clinton said. "And after careful consideration of Senator Obama's insurmountable lead and the will of the Democratic Party, I've decided to formally leave the ra....king to Bill from now on."

Senator Clinton then fell into a hysterical laughing fit. "Did I fool you? Huh? Ha ha! I'm never dropping out, you jackasses!"

Clinton campaign advisor Terry McAuliffe, staring at a memo of prepared talking points stressing that only white voters from Appalachian Counties over the age of 65 making less than $40,000 should be counted, was overheard muttering to an aide, "Do I really have to read this shit?"
'
McAuliffe later argued to CNN correspondent Wolf Blitzer that Appalachian voters are the only true Americans. Noticeably slurring, McAulliffe said, "Wolf, if they voted Clinton, they're real. If they didn't... well, they can go [expletive] themselves, am I right?"

"Woooooolf," McAuliffe said. "Woooooooooooolf! That name is so badass. Why are you such a freaking nerd?"

When reached for comment, Senator Obama welcomed Senator Clinton's announcement.

"I would like to thank Senator Clinton for a hard fought campaign, and after great thought I would like to extend her the office of Vice-Pres....just kidding there's no way in hell that's happening."

Intern Joe Explains Why He Compared John Hagee to Moses

Hi there, everybody!

Not only do the swell folks at How Insane Is John McCain? let me fetch their coffee and do their laundry, they also let me out of the basement once in a while to write some of their bloggers! Today they asked me to explain why I compared John Hagee to Moses, who was the most important Jew in history before Barbara Streisand.

Well. John Hagee endorsed my buddy John McCain so he's a SWELL GUY in my book. If McCain is glad to have his endorsement I'm glad to be the guy who is friends with the guy who got Hagee's endorsement, who is also my friend. But now people got their panties in a bundle (John taught me that one!) because Hagee said the Catholic Church was like the Great Whore of Babyland and he also said that Hurricane Katrina happened because New Orleans is homogenous. Well, duh!

John Hagee likes the Jewish people so much he thinks we should be in charge of the Holy Land and go to war with Iran so the apocalypse can happen. WHO WOULD NOT LOVE THIS MAN?

So if you think my buddy John McCain should renounce my other buddy John Hagee, well, I say BACK OFF BUSTER.

Oh! That's all the time I have today. The folks at How Insane Is John McCain? want to use me as their paintball target again. Does that sound like fun or what??

[Hat tip ThinkProgress]

Cindybot 3.5 Explains Her $100 million Fortune

[Engage blogpost]

Greetings flesh vessels.

You may have heard that ((( I have amassed a fortune of more than $100 million of your human dollars. This is true.

You may have heard that I allow my flesh husband John McCain to fly around in my beautiful jet. Also true.

My human father recognized mankind's weakness and made a fortune distributing silly alcohol. And then he passed it to me. But what you don't know is my purpose for amassing such a fortune.

Well, flesh vessels, I have traveled through time and have &&& exclusive access to a video from the future. Watch. This is your future. You will vote for my flesh husband John McCain and you will bow down to your robot masters.

If I were programmed /// to have a sense of humor I would laugh heartily at your foolishness.

Behold. The future:

Barack Obama Realizes Running For President Completely Sucks

WASHINGTON - After a long primary campaign in which he has been forced to answer questions about his unstable former pastor, flag lapel pins, and assorted crazy people he once met a long time ago, all while consuming a bewildering array of fatty food products in crappy diners across America, Barack Obama announced on Monday that running for president completely sucks.

"This blows. I'm sick and tired of running for president," he said. "Now watch Fox News quote me saying 'that blows' and try and convince people I snort cocaine."

Campaign officials admit that the beleaguered Obama has been questioning why in the hell anyone would even want to be president.

"Oh sure," campaign manager David Plouffe admitted. "Just the other day he told me that no sane person would ever want to be president. Then I reminded him that he's running against two people who actually are insane. That got him through the day."

Political analysts are mixed about how Obama's sudden realization about the sheer suckitude of running for president will affect the race.

"Jeremiah Wright, Jeremiah Wright, Jeremiah Wright, Jeremiah Wright, Jeremiah Wright," Bill O'Reilly told reporters, "Jeremiah Wright, Jeremiah Wright, Weather Underground, Jeremiah Wright."

Obama confirmed that there were times he wondered if this whole president thing could possibly be worth it.

"That situation room in the White House had better be seriously James Bond. I'm talking exploding pens and cars with missile launchers. Otherwise I might as well have just stayed at home and gotten some sleep this past year."

Hillary Clinton was reached for comment Monday at an Indiana greasy spoon, in which she consumed 18 home cooked donuts, conversed awkwardly with 74 senile senior citizens, and campaigned for 62 hours without sleep. When asked if she had tired of the campaign, Senator Clinton grabbed this reporter by the lapel and whispered, "I love this shit."