WASHINGTON, D.C. - Sensing the danger posed by Barack Obama's comments about Pennsylvania's bitter voters being "bitter," presidential candidates Hillary Clinton and John McCain jointly denounced Obama's comments and revealed that they will soon undergo extensive surgery to fuse their bodies.
John McCain expressed great anticipation for the procedure, which will create an unprecedented single candidate comprised of shared flesh.
"I've long admired Senator Clinton's attacks on Senator Obama, and I look forward to joining our minds in a literal sense," McCain said.
"Plus, I've always wondered what it would feel like to have boobs."
After McCain and Clinton offered remarkably similar statements in response to Obama's truth-telling gaffe, Clinton followed up with a statement in which she expressed an appreciation for gun rights and church-going. At that point, the campaigns decided that it made strategic sense to form a bodily alliance that would jointly attack Obama with one mouth created out of fused tissue.
Clinton reportedly will change her party affiliation to Republican upon completion of the procedure.
Philadelphian surgeon Frank Templeton will perform the surgery, and looks forward to joining the two presidential candidates, who have repeatedly expressed admiration for one another while denigrating Obama.
"This is an unprecedented opportunity to join two minds and bodies, and who better to volunteer for this procedure than McCain and Clinton," Templeton said. "The only drawback that I anticipate is that the resulting conjoined body will be incredibly ugly."
Obama campaign manager David Plouffe dismissed suggestions that a so-called John McClinton humanbeast will be a more formidable foe in November.
"No way," Plouffe said. "Obama will still win."
"Although I think I speak for most Americans when I say that we're all a little horrified."
Hillary Clinton in particular is thrilled by the prospect of combining her biographical narrative with McCain's.
"Now I will honestly be able to say I have dodged sniper fire. And I've been tortured. Dear God, I've been tortured! Is that fantastic or what?"