Ask John McCain: The Tough Questions

Dear John,

I'm against torture. I think it harms our standing in the world, it's morally wrong, and that's not what America stands for. You yourself was tortured, but why did you vote to uphold the CIA's use of torture?

A donut is not a donut unless it has sprinkles on it. Show me a donut without sprinkles. What does it look like? A goddamn bagel, that's what. What do you want me to do with a donut without sprinkles? Put cream cheese on it? Bah. A bagel is a donut that doesn't taste good. And I'm not eating it. Goddamn bagels. They were probably invented by terrorists.

Dear John,

You say you're against special interests in politics, and yet many people on your campaign staff are lobbyists and there is evidence of influence-peddling within your so-called Reform Institute. What say you?

You know how old I was when World War II ended? I was nine years old. Those were the days. No television, none of that rap music... We knew how to entertain ourselves. We played kick the can. Ha! You ever play kick the can? What a great game. There was this can, and then you hid, but then you had to kick the can to set the people in jail free. Now that's a real game. I loved kicking that goddamn can. No kid who played kick the can ever became a terrorist, I can tell you that much. Or a Commie. We didn't let girls play either.

Dear John,

You have suggested that Barack Obama is elitist, and yet your wife is a beer heiress worth millions. I'm also pretty sure she's a robot. How can you call Obama elitist when you're not exactly hurting for dough?

The damn thing won't go. I double-clicked it!! Where in the hell is that damn e-mail? Son?!! Get in here! Help me work this damn computer! No, look. I put in the CD, and now my e-mail is lost. I'm telling you that's what happened. No goddamn it I did not close out, whatever the hell that means. I put in the CD, it erased my e-mail. It's this goddamn stupid computer. CRIMENY. How hard it is to make a computer that works? You think Thomas Edison would have stood for this crap? Oh. There it is. How did you do that? What? What in the hell is a drafts folder? I'm going to kill this machine.