Dear John,
Last year when someone asked you if you thought condoms helped prevent AIDS you said you were "stumped." I assume you have since had some time to Wikipedia this. What do you think about it now?
The hell with all this condom flimflam! You know what's wrong with you young people? All you care about is sex. Sex sex sex! Goddamn depraved heathens. Course I don't mind the ladies showing a little leg, you understand. I chased some tail when I was a young buck. Condoms. Bah. You're a bunch of ninnies. In my day we took our crabs like men.
Dear John,
Today Elizabeth Edwards pointed out that YOU wouldn't be covered by your own health care plan since you have preexisting melanoma. What do you have to say to her?
What the hell do I need health insurance for, I'm running for president! Here, son. Look. Feel this bicep. No, I want you to. What the hell are you scared of, feel my goddamn arm! There. You feel that? Isn't that the bicep of a 60 year old? This body is a finely tuned machine. Here. Punch me in the stomach. Punch me in the stomach! Ah. You know, I could really kick some ass in my day.
Dear "Babykiller" McCain,
HUMAN LIFE IS PRECIOUS. Why are you in favor of stem cell research you baby cell killer!!! You know who goes to hell? People who support stem cell research!!! God is in every cell!!!! You're going to hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jesus Christ these people are nuts. Hey Lieberman, is it too late for me to become a Democrat? Lieberman??? LIEBERMAN! Oh there you are, why didn't you.... what the... why are you all wet? Did you wet the bed again? DID YOU WET THE BED AGAIN?? Damn it, Lieberman, you're washing those sheets!
What a pussy.
Please e-mail your questions for John McCain to mccainisinsane at gmail dot com!
Monday, March 31, 2008
Ask John McCain: Public Health Issues
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Intern Joe Endorses John McCain, Sesame Street, Not Being a Democrat
Gee willakers everybody! Well I had no idea that folks would get real upset if I compared my buddy John McCain to JFK. Why, they have the same first name! And I coulda sworn JFK was a Republican! Plus, John and JFK both fought in World War II so they have that in common and John McCain was even tortured by the Italians so you know he's REAL tough.
And now people are saying mean things about me because I ran for president as a Democrat and now today I said they're hyper-- hyper--- hyper.. part.. ti... san. Hyperpartisan. I learned that word on Sesame Street! I don't know what it means but it sounds super bad. I don't like those meanie Democrats ever since George Bush kissed me at the State of the Union address. Swoon! What a cutiepatootie.
Anyway, I'm here to tell you about why my buddy John McCain would be the bestest president since George W. Bush, who I HEART, and even though he wouldn't be as superduper as Reagan I think he'll be gooder than those meanie Democrats.
Here's why I think John McCain is the best guy ever. When I was voting for the war in Iraq (FYI Osama bin Laden used to be the president there), a bunch of meanie Democrats called me some real bad names like "traitor" and "turncoat" even though by golly I've never even turned any coats in my life!! Well my buddy John McCain got real mad at them and he threw a telephone at Harry Reid and told them to pick on someone their own size and since no one is shorter than me that means no one.
WOW. I'd never even HEARD some of the curse words John said that day.
So now John McCain and I are the BESTEST buddies. He lets me polish his shoes and take out his trash and spoon feed him his fruit sauces (John says solid food makes him constiflated), and I just think he's a wonderful man. Yesterday John said he might even make me his Vice President! Isn't that nice?
Oops. That's all the time we have for today! Intern Joe signing off.
E-mail your questions for Intern Joe at mccainisinsane at gmail dot com
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Ask John McCain
Dear John,
I've been married for five years, but I'm starting to wonder if I made the right choice. I met a great woman through work, and we really hit it off. Now I'm starting to question everything. What should I do?
You know another thing I hate about jazz? Improvisation. What horseshit. What, you can't take the time to write some notes down on a piece of paper? No ink in your damn pen? In my day they wrote down the freaking music. You can't write music on the page? Don't play it! Don't give me any of this inspiration crap. You want to be inspired? Go to church. I've had enough of that improvisation garbage. Liberal claptrap. I'll tell you where you can stick your saxophone.
Dear John,
My boss doesn't really appreciate the work I do, and I'm thinking I need to change careers. Do you have any advice for someone who is looking for a new job?
I. DRINK. YOUR. MILKSHAKE!!! Ha! Did you see that movie? Daniel Day Lewis is a great American. There is this part in the... well, I didn't actually see the movie. One of my interns told me about this thing on the Internet called You Too. Anyway, on this You Too you can watch movies and things and there's this part in some movie where Daniel Day Lewis says I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE and he says it just this way.... ah. You have to see it. I wish I could have been an actor. I'd be Daniel Day Lewis. I DRINK YOU MILKSHAKE! I DRINK IT!! What a great movie.
Dear John,
I'm against the war in Iraq. I don't think we're doing any good there and I think we should bring our troops home. We just can't sustain a war there and it's time we worked toward a peaceful resolution. How do you suggest we end this prolonged conflict?
You know what city I hate? New York. What a bunch of commies. You ever been in a subway? Bunch of garbage. I'd rather be in goddamn Hanoi. And the rats, they remind me of Democrats. Well, except the time I thought about being a Democrat, then they reminded me of Republicans. The sewers! You know I hear they have alligators down there. I could probably take an alligator. Might need a gun though. Anyway, New York is a terrible place. No Americans there. I'll take Phoenix any day.
Please e-mail your questions for John McCain to mccainisinsane at gmail dot com!
McCain's Flip Flops (the definitive tally)
John McCain has had a bewildering array of positions, often on the same issues. This post will be regularly updated as new positions come to light. Keep checking back, and please e-mail us with tips (mccainisinsane at gmail dot com).
UPDATED 8/31/08
John McCain: "In all due respect to my colleagues, they’re drinking the Kool-Aid that somehow I have changed positions on the issues."
Torture
BEFORE
McCain 11/16/07: "One of the things that kept us going when I was in prison in North Vietnam was that we knew that if the situation were reversed, that we would not be doing to our captors what they were doing to us"
"I want to tell you. Rudy Giuliani, Fred Thompson and Mitt Romney all think it is O.K. They have one thing in common. They don’t understand the military and the culture of this nation. If they did, they could never condone such behavior." [NY Times]
AFTER
McCain votes against a ban on CIA torture. [NY Times]
Special Interests
BEFORE
McCain: "I'm the only one special interests don't give any money to." [YouTube]
AFTER
McCain's campaign manager and many key campaign officials are telecom lobbyists, who have given at least $765,000 to his campaign (and that's just one special interest) [USA Today]
Campaign Finance Laws
BEFORE
McCain author of McCain Feingold amendment, limiting use of soft money in campaigns. [Wikipedia]
AFTER
3/21/08: McCain likely in violation of campaign finance laws. [WashPost]
Jerry Falwell
BEFORE
McCain 2/28/2000: "I am a pro-life, pro-family fiscal conservative, an advocate of a strong defense, and yet Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell and a few Washington leaders of the pro-life movement call me an unacceptable presidential candidate. They distort my pro- life positions and smear the reputations of my supporters. Why? Because I don't pander to them, because I don't ascribe to their failed philosophy that money is our message."
McCain 2/29/2000: calls Robertson and Falwell "agents of intolerance." [IHT]
AFTER
McCain gives commencement speech at Falwell's Liberty University, cozies up to Falwell. [ABC]
Iraq
BEFORE
McCain 9/29/02: “We’re not going to get into house-to-house fighting in Baghdad. We may have to take out buildings, but we’re not going to have a bloodletting of trading American bodies for Iraqi bodies.”
McCain 1/22/03: “But the point is that, one, we will win this conflict. We will win it easily.” [ThinkProgress]
AFTER
McCain: 1/4/07: "When I voted to support this war, I knew it was probably going to be long and hard and tough, and those that voted for it and thought that somehow it was going to be some kind of an easy task, then I’m sorry they were mistaken. Maybe they didn’t know what they were voting for." [ThinkProgress]
Abortion
BEFORE
McCain 8/24/99: "But certainly in the short term, or even the long term, I would not support repeal of Roe v. Wade, which would then force X number of women in America to [undergo] illegal and dangerous operations." [WashPost]
AFTER
McCain 2/18/07: "I do not support Roe versus Wade. It should be overturned" [MSNBC]
Bush's tax cuts
BEFORE
McCain 5/26/01: "I cannot in good conscience support a tax cut in which so many of the benefits go to the most fortunate among us, at the expense of middle class Americans who most need tax relief." [McCain's Senate website]
AFTER
In 2006 McCain votes to extend Bush tax cuts [MediaMatters]
Ethanol [hat tip Carpetbagger]
BEFORE
McCain 11/03: "Ethanol is a product that would not exist if Congress didn't create an artificial market for it. No one would be willing to buy it. Yet thanks to agricultural subsidies and ethanol producer subsidies, it is now a very big business - tens of billions of dollars that have enriched a handful of corporate interests - primarily one big corporation, ADM. Ethanol does nothing to reduce fuel consumption, nothing to increase our energy independence, nothing to improve air quality." [CNN]
AFTER
McCain 8/06: "I support ethanol and I think it is a vital, a vital alternative energy source not only because of our dependency on foreign oil but its greenhouse gas reduction effects." [CNN]
Gay Marriage [hat tip anon]
Well, just watch:
Confederate Flag [hat tip The Real McCain]
BEFORE
McCain 1/12/00: "Personally, I see the flag as symbol of heritage."
AFTER
McCain 4/19/00: "I feared that if I answered honestly, I could not win the South Carolina primary. So I chose to compromise my principles." [CNN]
Gun control
BEFORE
In 2001, McCain and Lieberman introduce legislation to regulate gun shows. [HuffPo]
AFTER
McCain 4/19/07: "I strongly support the Second Amendment and I believe the Second Amendment ought to be preserved, which means no gun control" [WashPost]
Moqtada al Sadr [hat tip Think Progress]
BEFORE
McCain week of 3/16/08: "His influence has been on the wane for a long time." [CNN via Think Progress]
AFTER
4/1/08: "I said he was still major player and his influence is going to have to be reduced and gradually eliminated." [CNN via Think Progress]
Housing Relief
BEFORE
March 2008: "It is not the duty of government to bail out and reward those who act irresponsibly, whether they are big banks or small borrowers." [NY Times]
AFTER
4/11/08: "Let me make it clear, that in these challenging times, I am committed to using all the resources of this government and great nation to create opportunity and make sure that every deserving American has a good job and can achieve their American dream." [NY Times
The Press and Hillary
BEFORE
"The media often overlooked how compassionately [Hillary Clinton] spoke to the concerns and dreams of millions of Americans.”
AFTER
“I did not [say that]."
[Think Progress]
The Estate Tax
BEFORE
"I am concerned that repeal of the estate tax would provide massive benefits solely to the wealthiest and highest-income taxpayers in the country. A Treasury Department study found that almost no estate tax has been paid by lower- and middle-income taxpayers. But taxes have been paid on the estates of people who were in the highest 20% of the income distribution at the time of their death. It found that 91% of all estate taxes are paid by the estates of people whose annual income exceeded $190,000 around the time of their death."
AFTER
"Another of my disagreements with Senator Obama concerns the estate tax, which he proposes to increase to a top rate of 55 percent. The estate tax is one of the most unfair tax laws on the books, and the first step to reform is to keep it predictable and keep it low."
[Matthew Yglesias]
Wiretaps
BEFORE
"There are some areas where the statutes don’t apply, such as in the surveillance of overseas communications. Where they do apply, however, I think that presidents have the obligation to obey and enforce laws that are passed by Congress and signed into law by the president, no matter what the situation is."
AFTER
McCain spokesman: "Neither the administration nor the telecoms need apologize for actions that most people, except for the A.C.L.U. and trial lawyers, understand were constitutional and appropriate in the wake of the attacks on Sept. 11, 2001,”
[NY Times]
Immigration Reform
#1
BEFORE
McCain introduces bill on immigration reform.
AFTER
January 30, 2008, when asked if he would vote for his own bill: ""No, I would not, because we know what the situation is today. The people want the borders secured first.""
[MediaMatters]
#2
BEFORE
May 22, 2008: "[We must enact comprehensive immigration reform. We must make it a top agenda item if we don’t do it before, and we probably won’t, a little straight talk, as of January 2009."
AFTER
National Review: "Team McCain tells me the senator’s comments were poorly worded. There’s been no discussion within the campaign of altering their stance on illegal immigration, and as far as everyone on the campaign is concerned, the policy is still, ’secure the border first.’"
[Think Progress]
Offshore drilling
BEFORE
1999 campaign: McCain opposes offshore drilling
AFTER
McCain 6/15/08: ""There are areas off our coasts that should be open to exploration and exploitation, and I hope we can take the first step by lifting the moratoria."
[MotherJones]
Hurricane Katrina investigations
BEFORE
2006: McCain opposes commission to study government's response to Hurricane Katrina.
[LA Times]
AFTER
McCain 6/4/08: "I’ve supported every investigation and ways of finding out what caused the tragedy."
[Think Progress]
Guantanamo
BEFORE
2005: "I think, on balance, the argument has got to be--the weight of evidence has got to be that we've got to adjudicate these people's cases, and that means that if it means releasing some of them, you'll have to release them."
AFTER
Following 2008 Supreme Court Decision requiring trials for detainees: "One of the worst decisions in the history of this country"
[PoliticalBase]
Social Security Privatization
BEFORE
2004: "Without privatization, I don’t see how you can possibly, over time, make sure that young Americans are able to receive Social Security benefits.”
3/3/2008: "“As part of Social Security reform, I believe that private savings accounts are a part of it — along the lines that President Bush proposed.”
AFTER
6/13/08: “I’m not for, quote, privatizing Social Security. I never have been. I never will be.”
[Think Progress]
Minimum Wage
BEFORE
McCain votes against minimum wage increases 19 times.
AFTER
8/31/08: "I’m for the minimum wage increases when they are not attached to other big-spending pork barrel."
[Think Progress]
Friday, March 28, 2008
Allow McCain to Introduce......... McCain
It pleases me to be pleased to introduce McCain's introductory McCain TV ad, the tagline of which is taglined:
"The American president Americans have been waiting for."
Do you get that, Americans who are waiting for the American president you are waiting for, America?
Redundancy. Not just redundant anymore.
[TPM]
McCain, Once Tortured, Voted for CIA Torture
McCain says he's against torture, having been tortured himself.
But apparently he'll vote for it.
On the campaign trail in November, McCain said:
“One of the things that kept us going when I was in prison in North Vietnam was that we knew that if the situation were reversed, that we would not be doing to our captors what they were doing to us.”
Well, hold on there big fella.
In February, McCain was a crucial swing vote in a bill pending in the Senate to explicitly ban the CIA from employing torture in the form of waterboarding. When given the opportunity to vote against torture and take a moral stand, McCain chose to appease his pro-torture base.
So he voted for torture.
Now there's some straight talk for ya.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Media Discovers Pro-McCain Media Bias
YOU DON'T SAY.
In a New York Times Op-Ed, Neal Gabler hazards a guess at why the media is so infatuated with John McCain, causing them to ignore things like, you know, crazy statements by his spiritual advisors and breaking his own campaign finance laws.
In short: McCain translates insincerity and cynicism into a rapport with (insincere and cynical) reporters.
Gabler writes:
On the bus, Mr. McCain openly talks about his press gambits. According to Mr. Lizza, Mr. McCain proudly brandished an index card with a “gotcha” quote from Mitt Romney that the senator had given Tim Russert of “Meet the Press,” a journalist few would expect to need help in finding candidates’ gaffes. In exposing his two-way relationship with the press this way, he reveals the absurdity of the political process as a big game. He also reveals his own gleeful cynicism about it.
This sort of disdain might be called a liberal view, if not politically then culturally. The notion that our system (in fact, life itself) is faintly imbecilic is a staple of “The Daily Show,” “The Colbert Report,” “Real Time With Bill Maher” and other liberal exemplars, though they, of course, implicate the press in the idiocy. Mr. McCain’s sense of irony makes him their spiritual kin — a cosmological liberal — which may be why conservatives distrust him and liberals like Jon Stewart seem to revere him.
The lesson, as always: give a reporter a free sandwich and some snark and they're your ho for life.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
BREAKING NEWS: According to Sources, John McCain Still a Republican
WASHINGTON - In a shocking development sure to rattle an already tense primary campaign, John McCain is still a Republican.
According to McCain's campaign manager, telecom lobbyist Rick Davis, McCain has not contemplated changing his party affiliation in at least several days.
"John McCain is still a Republican," Davis said. "Well. Last time I checked."
The New York Times recently detailed two instances where McCain contemplated switching parties, first after losing the 2000 primary to George W. Bush and again when John Kerry asked him to be his running mate.
But according to longtime aide Laura Miller, those dalliances were merely the tip of the iceberg.
"Oh wow. You should have seen the time John found out the Democrats had a better shrimp cocktail platter at their annual Christmas party," Miller said.
"I thought we were going to have mutiny on our hands."
In addition to the shrimp cocktail incident, McCain's reasons for leaving the Republican Party at various times were triggered by a preference for the color blue, the discovery that actress Natalie Portman is a Democrat, a lifelong fear of elephants, his love of the movie "Object Of My Affection," and top Democrats' proximity to "nicer-smelling bathrooms" within the Capitol Building, among others.
McCain couldn't be reached for comment by press time, so his current party affiliation is mere conjecture.
McCain was last seen giving a policy speech in Los Angeles, in which he suggested the formation of a UN-esque League of Democracies, called for action on climate change, advocated the closure of Guantanamo, and suggested that Ronald Reagan and Ronald Reagan alone was not responsible for winning the Cold War.
No word on whether these policies still qualify him for membership in the Republican Party.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Things McCain Hates
- Labradoodles
- Shoehorns
- Pianos
- Gay sweaters
- Plants
- The Cosby Show
- Fool's gold
- Parakeets
- Dick Van Dyke
- Lakes
- Wikipedia
- Trains
- Puppies and kittens playing together, and separate
- Blogs
- Novels
- Intern Joe
- Fishermen
- Tomatoes
- Netflix
- Tricycles
- William Shatner
- Clouds
- Houses
- Chess
- Wagons
- Seaweed
- Pillow fights
- The Post Office
- Iraq
- Your Mom
- You
Great Moments In McCain-Is-Insane History: The Chelsea Joke
In 1998, when Chelsea Clinton was 18 years old, John McCain made this joke at a fund-raising dinner:
John McCain:
"Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly?
Because Janet Reno is her father."
Classy, McCain. Classy.
[Salon]
Monday, March 24, 2008
McCain vs. Mr. Potato Head
MCCAIN: Listen to me you Potato Head son of a bitch.
MR. POTATO HEAD: Look, John, I....
MCCAIN: I'll smile for this photo op, but don't think I don't remember what happened in Idaho in 2000.
MR. POTATO HEAD: Ouch, please don't squeeze me so hard. John. I can explain. Look, I'm not even from Idaho!
MCCAIN: George W. Bush 80% of the vote??? Alan Keyes 19%? Do you know what it feels like to come in third place to Alan FREAKING Keyes?
MR. POTATO HEAD: John! Please! I'm not even a real potato!
MCCAIN: Don't pull that crap on me, you Potato Headed freak. Idaho's primaries are on May 27, you'd better hope for a better outcome. Just watch me turn you into a french fry.
MR. POTATO HEAD: I'm made of plastic.... I...
MCCAIN: Don't THINK I won't nuke Idaho. Because I most certainly will.
MR. POTATO HEAD: Help! Someone please help!
Sunday, March 23, 2008
The Three Amigos
MCCAIN: No. Look Nick, how many times do I have to tell you this? In order to break a man's neck you have to first disable him by grabbing him by the testicles. Like this.
SARKOZY: Ah, oui! Carla loves it when I grab a man's testes. She says zis makes me look, how you say, tres sexy?
INTERN JOE: Guys! Hey guys! Can I grab a man's testes? Hey!
MCCAIN: Lieberman, if I hear one more peep out of you your underwear will be so far over your head you'll start praying to Jesus.
INTERN JOE: Oh. Ok John. I'll just hide back here.
SARKOZY: John, have I ever told you about Carla's thighs? Zey are as white as ze Cliffs of Dover, so supple.. and yet so firm.
MCCAIN: So she's not a robot?
SARKOZY: Sacre bleu no! She is a woman, a fine..
MCCAIN: Then I don't really give a shit.
INTERN JOE: Guys! Hey guys! You SAID you were going to tell me where the secret clubhouse is! You promised! How come no one has told me where the clubhouse is!!
SARKOZY: Her breasts, John. Let me tell you about Carla's breats. Zey are like beautiful flowers plucked from ze heavens.
INTERN JOE: Wow!!!! Nick! Nick, you've seen boobies?
MCCAIN: I really need to kill someone today.
McCain Breaking Own Campaign Finance Laws
Well you really stepped in it this time, McCain.
So. You know how the media loves McCain more than free sandwiches because he's a "straight-talker" and a "maverick," and one of the reasons they think he is like so totally awesome is because he was an advocate for campaign-finance reform in the form of the McCain/Feingold amendment which gave the world those annoying "I approve this message" comments at the end of commercials?
Yeah. Well. About all that "reform."
In order to understand this kerfuffle, let us go back in time to November, a time when McCain was not only completely insane, but his campaign was in dire straights and he had to take out a loan to keep his crazy drive for the presidency afloat. He used the public funds he was going to receive as a nominee as collateral, and campaign finance rules state that anyone using public funds as collateral must abide by public financing.
Flash forward. Now it's March, McCain is still batshit insane, and he also happens to be the presumptive Republican nominee for president. After pressing Obama to abide by public financing in the general election and in the process taking the word "hypocrite" to new uncharted heights, McCain has himself dropped out of public financing so he can raise unlimited cash. Well, hold on there pardner. The FEC did not certify his withdrawal and there's still that pesky matter about the shady loan.
Now McCain has blown by the public spending cap, possibly placing his candidacy afoul of the law. What laws? THE SAME CAMPAIGN FINANCE LAWS that prompt media types to drool all over Intern Joe's shoes when they're trying to get to McCain to tell him how much they love him.
What's to be done about this? Well, nothing apparently. The FEC Commission doesn't have a quorum because of vacancies. But McCain not only has run roughshod over campaign finance laws, he's also completely insane.
I'm sure the media will be all over this.
Oh wait. That would require doing some research.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Introducing Intern Joe*
Hi kids! I'm Joesph Lieberman, a senator from Connecticut! In 2000 I was the Democratic nominee for Vice-President. That was when I was still a Democrat. Tee-hee!
When the swell folks at How Insane Is John McCain? offered me an internship, I just had to accept! I'll be here to answer your questions and talk about my good buddy John McCain.
This'll be fun!
Dear Joe,
When you went to the Middle East with John McCain, you repeatedly had to correct him when he said Iran was training Al Qaeda and when he compared Purim to Halloween. What's it like babysitting a senator?
It's not as easy as you'd think! I have to remember to give John his applesauce every morning and sometimes he yells at me when I lay out his clothes and he thinks they're "too gay." One time his campaign manager (who is a GREAT lobbyist, btw) pulled me aside and said they had all drawn straws and I was the one who had to tell John he had to drink his Metamucil. John was so mad he tried to punch me!! Lucky for me he missed. It's a good thing John wasn't president that day, he mighta nuked somebody!
Dear Joe,
You lying hypocrite, why did you help George Bush start the Iraq war? Why don't you just become a Republican already??
Golly! Now why did you have to go and say that? John?? John?? Did you hear what he called me? Oh. John's not here. But I'm going to tell John on you!! You.. you... jerk!
Well kids, that's all the time we have for today, but don't forget that I'm here to answer your questions. Just e-mail them to mccainisinsane at gmail dot com.
Bye bye!
*(Yes, I am shamelessly ripping off the girls at Go Fug Yourself. Sorry girls! It's for a good cause)
Thursday, March 20, 2008
McCain Sought Out John "The Catholic Church Is the Great Whore" Hagee's Endorsement
Remember all that stuff about Obama and his pastor's conspiracy theories, only Obama repudiated all of the controversial words but the media didn't really care about that and instead just spent a whole week repeating Wright's sermons on loop nonstop until everyone got really tired of the whole thing nevermind that Obama denounced the controversial sermons and clearly doesn't agree with them?
I'll bet you do.
Well it turns out that not only did McCain heartily accept the endorsement of John Hagee (aka the White Farrakhan), he SOUGHT OUT that endorsement.
A summary of Hagee's insanity:
- Supports Israel as a condition of the coming rapture
- Called the Catholic Church "the Great Whore"
- Claimed that the Koran contains a mandate to kill Jews and Christians
- Said Hurricane Katrina was God's punishment for a gay rights parade and that New Orleans brought it on itself.
Can you imagine what would happen if Barack Obama went and said, "Hey Louis Farrakhan, would you endorse me? Pretty please?" And then they held a press conference together?
Yeah. Me neither.
I'm sure the media will be all over this.
Not really.
Oops, He Did It Again
McCain. Seriously. Stop.
It's not even funny anymore.
[HuffPo: "McCain Repeats Iran-Al Qaeda Gaffte Yet Again"]
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
A Conversation Between John McCain and Sanity
SANITY: Look. John. We need to talk.
MCCAIN: What?
SANITY: I said we need to talk.
MCCAIN: What's that you say?
SANITY: We need to talk.
MCCAIN: I'm not having any of that liberal hokey pokey.
SANITY: Talking is liberal?
MCCAIN: In my day people followed orders! They said, "Yes sir! Thank you Mr. McCain! May I vote for you Mr. McCain?"
SANITY: Um. Ok. Anyway. About Iran and Al Qaeda.
MCCAIN: BOMB BOMB IRAN!
SANITY: Exactly. I don't think you understand. Iran is not training Al Qaeda. They're enemies. Iran is Shiite and Al Qaeda are crazy ass Sunni Wahhabi. There's no link at all. People are starting to question your grasp on foreign policy.
MCCAIN: Iran is training Al Qaeda. Did you hear me?
SANITY: I know, John. You said it again today. The first time it was universally considered a gaffe. But now you're just lying.
MCCAIN: You bet your salty tea kettle I am.
SANITY: I don't even know what that means.
MCCAIN: Do you know who I am? I'm John Fucking McCain!
(WSJ: McCain Again Links Al Qaeda to Iran. Obama camp's response: "We wish the McCain campaign well as they try to figure out the difference between Iran and al Qaeda.")
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Great Moments in McCain-Is-Insane History: The Keating Five Scandal
Maverick? Campaign Finance Reform Advocate? Straight-talker?
How about member of the Keating Five?
And no, it's not a basketball team. Or a polka band.
Let us go way back to the heady days of the late 1980s, a time before blind people knew George Michael was gay. Back in these silly, innocent times, instead of hedge funds, people with way too much money on their hands invested in savings and loan associations, which in turn invested in real estate. Like hedge funds, the "experts" making the investments made colossally bad bets and lost other people's money. One of these idiot investors was a man named Charles H. Keating, Jr, who headed the Lincoln Savings and Loan Association.
Well. Turns out that after accepting a substantial donation from Keating, after his family invested over $300,000 in Keating's business and got all buddy-buddy, and after multiple rides in Keating's personal jet (in violation of Congressional rules), McCain interceded on his behalf multiple times with the Federal Home Loan Bank Board. Bad move. According to the New York Times, the collapse of Lincoln Savings and Loan cost taxpayers $3.4 billion.
In the end, despite these shenanigans and breaking multiple ethics rules, McCain got off light, with a criticism from the Ethics Committee for "questionable conduct."
Questionable indeed.
GAFFE ALERT: McCain Says Iran Training al-Qaeda.... twice
WHOOPS.
Now, I know I have a hard time keeping all them A-rabs straight, what with all of the countries beginning with the letter I and all, but I didn't expect McCain to have so much trouble separating his terrorists from his enemy combatants. (What's that you say? Iranians aren't Arabs? Quiet down, you!)
McCain stepped in a big heap of camel dung today, saying in an interview that he was concerned about Iranian operatives "taking al-Qaeda into Iran, training them, and sending them back."
Ok, maybe he misspoke. Maybe he didn't mean that Iran is training al-Qaeda terrorists (because, you know, they aren't). Except he ELABORATED ON THE SUBJECT, saying:
"(It is) common knowledge and has been reported in the media that al-Qaeda is going back into Iran and receiving training and are coming back into Iraq from Iran, that's well known. And it's unfortunate."
Joe Lieberman of all people kissed I mean whispered into McCain's ear, prompting him to clarify, "I'm sorry, the Iranians are training extremists, not al-Qaeda."
Man. You'd think that McCain is old or something.
Monday, March 17, 2008
McCain-o-nomics
With the economy smelling worse than Dick Cheney's colon, you would think the people of the United States would want their next president to have a general grasp of basic economics. I'm not talking about having an MBA (apparently they give those out for free), I'm talking just some basic economic knowledge here.
Let's see what McCain has to say about his credentials:
Ok, so McCain isn't an expert on Wall Street. Big whoop. Judging from the way things are going these days most of the people who work on Wall Street aren't experts on Wall Street either.
What else do you have to say for yourself, McCain?
The issue of economics is not something I've understood as well as I should. I've got Greenspan's book. (source)
Wow. So basically, the only thing that is standing between McCain and understanding the economy is ALAN GREENSPAN'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY.
I feel so much better.
No. Wait. I don't.
Friday, March 14, 2008
That's What I'm Talking About, McCain
WHEW.
After a nightmarish brush with sanity yesterday, McCain is back to his usual insane self. In Philadelphia, McCain said al Qaeda might try and influence the election with a terrorist attack in order to tip the election against him.
In other words, if you don't vote for McCain the terrorists win.
Welcome back to Crazyland, McCain. You had me nervous there for a moment.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
McCain.... Acting Kind of Sane
This is a dark day in the history of the How Insane Is John McCain blog. John McCain went on 60 Minutes and, when asked whether waterboarding is torture he said these words: "Sure. Yes. Without a doubt."
McCain, what the FUCK? Are you trying to kill me? Because it's working. Stop saying sane things, crazyman, it blows my mind.
I don't even know what to say. Except that McCain returned to form later in the interview. When asked whether he had a temper problem he said, "I think I get angry when I see things go wrong."
After the way the last 8 years have gone, no wonder he's so pissed off all the time.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
McCain Geneology: Angry Scotsmen, What Did You Expect?
Matthew Yglesias cites Wikipedia who cites anonymous sources on John McCain's public website who claim that McCain is a descendant of Robert the Bruce.
In addition to having two first names, the Bruce first fought with the English against the Scots and then fought with the Scots against the English. Then he waged guerrilla war for many years before dying of leprosy. Then his heart was used as a talisman in the crusades.
Like great great great great great great great great great grandfather like great great great great great great great grandson.
McCain's Spiritual Advisor: "Allah Was a Demon Spirit"
Insanometer 3/12/08: fighting like a warrior for one messiah or another
So let's see. After accepting the endorsement of John "The Catholic Church is the Great Whore" Hagee, now it turns out John McCain's "spiritual advisor" thinks Christians should wage war against Islam, calls Allah a "demon spirit" and generally advocates holy war.
Let's go straight to the source. Here is spiritual advisor Rod Parsley in his own words:
I cannot tell you how important it is that we understand the true nature of Islam, that we see it for what it really is. In fact, I will tell you this: I do not believe our country can truly fulfill its divine purpose until we understand our historical conflict with Islam.
Wow. Sounds kind of extreme. Maybe he didn't mean it.
I know that this statement sounds extreme, but I do not shrink from its implications. The fact is that America was founded, in part, with the intention of seeing this false religion destroyed, and I believe September 11, 2001, was a generational call to arms that we can no longer ignore.
Oh. He meant it.
Holy shit.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
BREAKING: McCain Actually Panamanian
A US judge is going to rule on whether McCain, who was born in the Panama Canal Zone, can actually run for the President of the United States.
McCain's sworn enemy today: the constitution, which states that only a "natural born citizen" is eligible to be president.
Where is a picture of McCain in a big hat doing blow with Manuel Noriega when you need one??
Source: San Francisco Chronicle
McCain: That "Catholic Church Is a Whore" Stuff Was TOTALLY Taken Out of Context
John McCain thinks John "The Catholic Church is the Great Whore" Hagee was, uh, misquoted or something:
"I will say that he said that his words were taken out of context, he defends his position. I hope that maybe you’d give him a chance to respond."
Yes, let's. Here's what crazyperson Hagee sounds like IN context:
Nice.
McCain and Obama: SWORN ENEMIES
Well, McCain hates Obama.
Obama just thinks they're pen pals.
Source: The New Republic
Is It Because I'm White?
Insanometer March 11, 2008: cool and invisible, like a jumping grasshopper in Dick Cheney's bunker
"Any time anybody does anything that in any way pulls this campaign down and says let's address reality and the problems we're facing in this world, you're accused of being racist, so you have to shut up. Racism works in two different directions. I really think they're attacking me because I'm white. How's that?"
- John McCa..... Oh. My bad. That was Clinton supporter Geraldine Ferraro.
McCain, I'm watching you.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Welcome. And by the way, how insane is John McCain?
McCain Insanometer 3/10/08: boiling, but not so hot the bubbles are spilling onto the stove
Welcome. To the world of a patriot. A hero. A Senator. A statesman. And one crazy-ass motherfucker.
This blog is dedicated to the blowups, the rage, the hijinks, and the all out hilarious insanity of the presumptive nominee for the GOP.
McCain is seething as we speak.
