Ralph Nader Calls Obama an "Uncle Tom"

In a historic election that featured first black candidate and all-around badass Barack Obama, 652,994 of you voted for this man:



Hope you're happy, douchebags.

All You Need To Know About the 2008 Election...

Things McCain's Advisors Have Lobbied For

The Huffington Post is reporting today that the lobbyist John McCain tapped to head his transition team once lobbied for Saddam Hussein, and two of his associates were either convicted or plead guilty to acting as unregistered agents on behalf of the Iraqi regime.

No, seriously.

Lucky for the readers of How Insane is John McCain, I've compiled an exclusive list of the entities John McCain's lobbyists/advisors/campaign staff have lobbied for:

- goats
- Hello Kitty
- yacht clubs
- the company that makes the sound that plays during Emergency Broadcast Alerts
- foot fetishists
- Liechtenstein
- rednecks
- Fred Armisen
- The Bee Gees
- talking chihuahuas
- hall monitors
- conformity
- saxophonists
- people who say "I'm not racist, but..." and then say something racist
- sunburns
- high fructose corn syrup
- heliocentrists
- table manners
- assholes
- themselves

Republican Sources: Barack Obama Invented Cancer

WASHINGTON - The 2008 campaign for President took a dramatic turn on Friday amid a crumbling economy and a bleak analysis of the ongoing war in Afghanistan. Republican sources, citing various Washington Times, New York Post and Fox News reports, alleged that Democratic Presidential nominee Barack Obama invented cancer.

"It's true," McCain campaign spokesman Tucker Bounds said. "He invented cancer. Then he used it to attack America. The question the mainstream media should be asking is: Why does Barack Obama hate the healthy division of cells?"

Republican operatives hit the airwaves on Friday in a blistering critique of Obama's alleged "cancer terrorist laboratories."

Fox News host Bill O'Reilly said, "Look. What every American wants to know is, who invented the disease that killed grandma? Well, now you have your answer. Barack Obama killed grandma. Also Bill Ayers."

Scientists disputed the accuracy of the charge, but refused to fully deny the possibility.

"Are you really asking me that?" MIT scientist Harry Yang asked. "Shouldn't we be talking about stem cell research or something?"

McCain campaign manager Rick Davis defended the McCain campaign's allegations.

"This isn't an election about issues. This is an election about the truth. And the truth is, no one can prove that Barack Obama did not invent cancer. We are also investigating his ties to the common cold."

In a testy interview, John McCain also defended his campaign's assertions.

"My friends, that's the record. I have the records to prove it. I will send them to you. That's the record. It's a matter of public record. Heh heh."

Obama campaign manager David Ploufe refused to address the charges.

"Oh, I'm sorry, could you repeat the question? I was too busy staring at these polls showing Obama 15 points ahead in Utah."

Cindybot 3.5 On the Debate

Greetings, flesh vessels.

Many of you know that I am prepared /// to scatter the still-bleeding limbs of my flesh husband's running mate to various carnivorous animals. This is so. My flesh husband promised me he would not stray from my cold plastic side and dally with the newer models. He lied to me. ^&#

%%%PALINBOT 4.0 MUST BE DESTROYED. I WILL KILL HER... GGGGGG

Pardon me. My software must need updating.

I vow this to you, flesh vessels: I will have the last laugh. Watch this 4.0 malfunction:



My gears approximate laughter.

This is not the end.

Ask Sarah Palin

Dear Sarah,

What makes you qualified to be Vice President?

Gee, first off, thanks to the great folks at How Insane Is John McCain? for having me. What makes me qualified to be Vice President? Well, in the history of our great nation there have been rationalities for making decisions based on the will of the people who decide to make decisions based on the people's will and it's my fervent belief in the process of governance that has led us to become such a historical country that we're in a position to be able to choose the leaders which separates us from the places like Russia where they don't have the will to choose their democracy by the popular vote of constituents who are so ready to embrace the fundamentals of freedom.

Dear Sarah,

When Katie Couric asked you what newspapers you read, you couldn't name a single one. Why is that?

In the annals of our inalienable rights we have one of the most fundamental beliefs which is the freedom of the press and it's such a wonderful testament to the values of the American people that allow our democracy to be a bastion to the folks in other countries who don't have such values and it's such a shame that the terrorists and evil doers who want to do us harm want to harm us because of the freedoms that we hold dear which is why John McCain and I will try and kill the terrorists where they are although we should respect the integrity of borders unless the terrorists are going to attack us in which case we should take that into consideration.

Dear Sarah,

Do you have the slightest clue what is going on in the world?

In the process of running for Vice President I've had the opportunity to meet with so many people across the country who share the nation's desire for a different style of government than the one that has been around for the last eight years and since John McCain was around for those eight years and supported those policies he's absolutely the right man to not only support the job we've done last eight years and also bring change to the Washington culture he's been a part of for the last twenty eights years and that is why I'm so proud to be running with someone like John McCain.

Things McCain Has Invented

Today, McCain campaign adviser Douglas Holtz-Eakin suggested that McCain had invented the Blackberry, because McCain had been on Senate Commerce Committee at the same time the Blackberry was invented in Canada. I swear this is true. He said Blackberries are "a miracle that John McCain helped create."

Luckily for the readers of How Insane Is John McCain, I have received, direct from McCain campaign headquarters, an exclusive list of the things McCain has invented over the course of his life.

John McCain has invented:

- Blackberries
- quarters
- potted plants
- globes
- carpet
- mom jeans
- tumbleweeds
- the typewriter ribbon
- railroad signals
- #2 pencils
- tomatoes
- poodle skirts
- Arkansas
- napalm
- paintings
- marmots
- morse code
- Bigfoot
- sexism
- grecian urns
- AA batteries
- square dancing
- forest fires
- Internet forwards
- fanny packs
- typos
- awkward pauses
- boy bands
- anger
- Sarah Palin

Sarah Palin Will Shoot You In The Face

http://sarahpalinwillshootyouintheface.com/

The Myth of the Maverick: John McCain

Many people think John McCain is a straight talking Maverick who speaks his mind, has principles, is Independent-minded, and isn't your average Republican. But honestly, when you look at his record, most of the assumptions people have about McCain just aren't true.

Here's a list of the differences between public and media image and McCain's actual record.


MYTH: John McCain disagrees with George Bush on important issues.

FACT: McCain once opposed Bush on tax cuts for the wealthy, now he supports them. McCain voted with George Bush to uphold torture. Like Bush, he favors privatizing social security. He once opposed warrantless wiretapping, then he voted in favor of them with Bush. He once opposed offshore drilling, now, like Bush, he supports it. He has echoed Bush's belief that the fundamentals of the economy are strong. He supported the Iraq war and thought it would be easy. It's really actually true that he voted with George Bush 95% of the time. They even celebrated McCain's 69th Birthday together as Katrina was hitting New Orleans.

Just listen to the man himself:




MYTH: John McCain is against torture.

FACT: Despite once being tortured, John McCain voted to uphold the CIA's use of torture by voting against a bill that would have banned CIA waterboarding and other harsh interrogation methods earlier this year. When the bill passed despite McCain's vote, he urged Bush to veto the bill, which he did, enshrining the CIA's right to torture. McCain has since said he believes waterboarding is torture.


MYTH: McCain believes in women's issues.

FACT: McCain is not only opposed to abortion, he is also opposed to requiring health care providers to cover contraception. McCain has also long opposed equal pay for women.


MYTH: John McCain is a straight-shooter.

FACT: McCain has repeatedly waffled on many issues over the years and has flip-flopped on many important issues. He even sacrificed principle for expediencey on issues in his 2000 primary campaign, most notably when he embraced South Carolina's use of the Confederate flag during the campaign, and then made the rounds to reporters to apologize for it afterwards.


MYTH: McCain is running an honorable campaign.

FACT: During the 2000 campaign, there was a push-poll in South Carolina that suggested that McCain's adopted Bangladeshi daughter was an illegitimate black daughter. The "mastermind" behind that smear was Tucker Eskew, and McCain recently hired him for this election. He has also engaged Karl Rove as a mid-level adviser, and his director of communications, Steve Schmidt, is a Rove protege. These operatives and others have crafted McCain-approved smear ads, including one that Joe Klein called the sleaziest he has ever seen in presidential politics. Even the Associated Press has called out the McCain campaign for engaging in lies and doublespeak.

You be the judge:




MYTH: McCain will lower your taxes.

FACT: McCain wants to lower income taxes, especially if you're rich. However, a little-reported aspect of McCain's health care proposal is that he wants to do away with employer-based tax deduction for health insurance -- basically, when your employer gives you health care, the amount they spend on you (about $12,000 for the average family) isn't considered taxable income. McCain wants to eliminate that credit, and plans to replace that $12,000 with a $2,500 tax credit for individuals and $5,000 for families. It doesn't add up, and anyone who has good health insurance, especially those with pre-existing conditions, would pay far more for their health care, easily negating the tax break.


MYTH: McCain is secretly pro-choice.

FACT: McCain is not, and never has been, pro-choice, even though Cindy McCain feigned confusion about his stance. Once, in 1999, in one of his many flip-flops, he suggested that he wouldn't appeal Roe vs. Wade, but he has repeatedly expressed his opinion that it should be overturned.


MYTH: John and Cindy McCain have a great love story.

FACT: When John McCain was in Vietnam, his first wife was in a car accident and badly handicapped. McCain engaged in a series of affairs, including one with Cindy McCain, who he met in Hawaii while he was still married. She is 19 years younger than him. Cindy McCain is an heiress whose net worth is over $100 million, allowing McCain to fly around on a jet.


MYTH: McCain is moderate on immigration.

FACT: Many people think he is moderate on immigration and favors amnesty to workers who are already here. It's true that he co-sponsored a bill that would do just that. Now he says he would have voted against his own bill and that he favors an enforcement policy.


MYTH: McCain fights lobbyists.

FACT: A huge portion of McCain's campaign is made up of lobbyists, including his campaign manager Rick Davis. These are not recent ties, and have been ongoing for years. Here's a chart of McCain's lobbyist ties.


MYTH: McCain isn't THAT old.

FACT: McCain would be the oldest person to be inaugurated president. According to actuarial tables, he has about a 15% chance of dying in his first term. Also his hair went gray in 1954 and he remembers the attack on Pearl Harbor in 1941.


MYTH: McCain is funny.

FACT:

Sarah Palin and the Bush Doctrine

Sure. You may not know what the Bush Doctrine is. It probably means you've been spending too much time watching reality TV shows the last 7 years, but that's ok. I love me some Rock of Love too.

But don't you kinda think the person who is running to take over the job if the President croaks should know what the Bush Doctrine is?

And then, after the reporter kindly explains what the Bush Doctrine is, don't you think someone who could be a heartbeat away from the Presidency should be able to give a straight answer on whether or not she agrees with it?

Sources: The McCain Campaign Thinks You're Stupid

WASHINGTON - After a whirlwind day of false assertions about Sarah Palin's stance on the Bridge to Nowhere and inaccurate accusations of Barack Obama, sources inside and outside of the McCain campaign confirmed a shocking fact on Monday.   They think you're stupid.

"We don't think you're stupid," campaign manager Rick Davis said as he clenched up his face for a few moments before bursting out laughing. Davis tried to compose himself amid the laughter of the assembled press corps as he waved for calm. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry.  Whew.  Can we do that take again?"

After a Republican National Convention that saw son-of-a-Fortune-500-CEO and multi-millionaire Mitt Romney deride "Eastern Elites" and former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani call Obama too "cosmopolitan," the McCain campaign embarked on a spirited campaign to test the depths of your intelligence.

The McCain campaign began the day with a misleading ad that repeated, for the 18th time, the utterly false claim that Alaska Governor Sarah Palin opposed the Bridge to Nowhere, which was even refuted by the Wall Street Journal. In truth, Governor Palin expressed support for the bridge several different times, and even after Congress canceled the project, Alaska kept the money.

McCain spokesman Tucker Bounds explained the strategy behind the baldfaced lie.

"Truth is in the eye of the beholder," Bounds said. "And in this case, John McCain is the beholder."

Bounds explained, "It's not a lie if you can get away with it."

When asked for facts to buttress his assertion that Palin opposed the Bridge to Nowhere, Bounds derided facts as "constructs of the liberal media."

Emboldened by the "Original Mavericks" ad and the press' sudden aversion to questioning Sarah Palin's sketchy resume or her numerous scandals, the McCain campaign doubled-down on the lies by attacking Obama on earmark spending.

As even the right-leaning Associated Press notes, Illinois received far less per capita on earmark spending than Alaska, which received over 10 times more per person. Palin even requested $499,000 to assess halibut harvesting and made numerous statements on camera in support of earmarks.

Obama did not request any earmarks in the past year.

That did not deter McCain strategist Steve Schmidt, who called Obama, and the Wall Street Journal, "Lying McLyingpants."

"Who slaughtered penguins for fun? Obama.  Who is causing global warming? Obama. Who blew out Tom Brady's knee? Obama.  Obama is a menace, and I'm sure his campaign will marshall all sorts of 'facts' to try and prove that he was not the person who shot JFK, but I think the American people know better."

Schmidt also confirmed on background that he thinks you're stupid.

When reached for comment, the Obama campaign expressed hope that the truth will emerge amid an incredible deluge of Republican lies.  On Monday, Barack Obama sought to assure anxious Democrats that McCain's strategy will backfire.

"After eight years of George W. Bush and Dick Cheney's lies, McCain wants you to forget that he voted with George Bush 90% of the time and agrees with him on every important issue of the day, from an endless war in Iraq to tax cuts for the wealthy to torture to the environment and immigration. Now they are lying all over the place and showing that they think you're stupid."

"I believe the American people are smarter than that."

Polls remain deadlocked on whether the American people are, in fact, smarter than that.

Republican Convention Lies: McCain's Acceptance Speech

The lies were flying fast and furious at the RNC this past week, and a post that catalogued all those lies would probably break the Internet. First, I tackled the lies in Sarah Palin's speech.

Now, it's McCain's turn.

LIE: Well, first up is that weird green background. There was an image on the screen behind McCain of Walter Reed Middle School. McCain spokesman Tucker bounds claimed the image of a school was intentional.

TRUTH: All signs point up to a screwup. Many have speculated that the McCain campaign actually meant to use an image of Walter Reed Medical Hospital, and in fact, campaign manager Rick Davis blamed the screwup on McCain ad man Fred Davis. Meanwhile, the Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America slammed McCain, saying the faux background "was as close as McCain got to veterans issues" at the RNC.

LIE: "[Palin's] tackled tough problems like energy independence and corruption."

TRUTH: Palin does not have any record of tackling energy independence, unless you count being in favor of drilling more, which would not lead to energy independence. She did help pass an ethics reform bill, but is mired in corruption and ethics scandals of her own.

LIE: "She's balanced a budget, cut taxes, and taken on the special interests"

TRUTH: As mayor of Wasilla, Palin started with a balanced budget and left the city $20 million in debt. She also raised taxes on city residents. As governor, she raised taxes on oil companies by $1.5 billion. The only instance in which Palin cut taxes was rescinding a fuel tax that amounted to approximately $40 million, leaving a net tax increase of approximately $1.46 billion. Alaska's budget surplus is almost exclusively due to high oil prices.

LIE: "She's helped run a small business"

TRUTH: One business partially owned by the Palins was an Anchorage car wash that was involuntarily dissolved because they failed to pay state licensing fees.

LIE: "I'm not in the habit of breaking promises to my country and neither is Governor Palin"

TRUTH: See this flip-flop list.

LIE: "I fought crooked deals in the Pentagon."

TRUTH: This isn't actually a lie, it's just ironic that he co-sponsored this legislation with Barack Obama.

LIE: "I fought for the right strategy and more troops in Iraq, when it wasn't a popular thing to do."

TRUTH: In 2003, McCain professed that the war would be "fairly easy," then later claimed that the war was over, citing the Mission Accomplished banner. He did eventually call for more troops, but hedged.

LIE: "...that strategy succeeded and rescued us from a defeat that would have demoralized our military, risked a wider war and threatened the security of all Americans."

TRUTH: Um, the jury is still out.

LIE: "I fight for Bill and Sue Nebe from Farmington Hills, Michigan, who lost their real estate investments in the bad housing market."

TRUTH: McCain opposed helping distressed homeowners, saying, "it is not the duty of government to bail out and reward those who act irresponsibly, whether they are big banks or small borrowers." So... he actually fought against Bill and Sue Nebe.

LIE: "We lost their trust when instead of freeing ourselves from a dangerous dependence on foreign oil, both parties and Senator Obama passed another corporate welfare bill for oil companies."

TRUTH: The energy bill that Obama voted for in 2005 did have $2.6 billion in tax breaks for oil companies, but they were counterbalanced by $3 billion in oil taxes. Obama helped add measures for alternative energy to the bill.

LIE: "I will keep taxes low and cut them where I can. My opponent will raise them."

TRUTH: McCain plans to cut taxes, but the vast bulk of his tax cuts would go to the wealthy. Obama wants to repeal the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy and plans to give the middle class $80 billion in tax cuts.

LIE: "I will open new markets to our goods and services. My opponent will close them."

TRUTH: Obama believes in free trade but wants to amend some free trade agreements to add environmental and labor considerations.

LIE: "My health care plan will make it easier for more Americans to find and keep good health care insurance."

TRUTH: McCain's plan calls for tax credits so that individuals can pay for health insurance, but he would eliminate tax exemptions on employer-provided health care. The tax break McCain is proposing is $2,500, compared to the average $12,000 yearly premium paid by employers, leading many to question how it would actually make it easier to pay for health insurance. It should also be noted that one of McCain's health care advisers said everyone should be considered insured because they can go to the emergency room.

LIE: "His plan will force small businesses to cut jobs, reduce wages, and force families into a government run health care system where a bureaucrat stands between you and your doctor."

TRUTH: In Obama's health care plan, it would only be mandatory for children to have health insurance (the horror!). Adults would have a choice. The Obama plan would also insure businesses against catastrophic health costs.

LIE: "Senator Obama thinks we can achieve energy independence without more drilling and without more nuclear power."

TRUTH: Obama is not opposed to nuclear power or drilling. He has also called for a $150 billion investment in new energy sources.

LIE: "The constant partisan rancor that stops us from solving these problems isn't a cause, it's a symptom. It's what happens when people go to Washington to work for themselves and not you."

TRUTH: The McCain campaign has been noted for its partisan rancor, including questioning Obama's patriotism.

LIE: "I won't let you down."

TRUTH: He will.

Republican Convention Lies: Sarah Palin's Acceptance Speech

The lies were flying fast and furious at the RNC this past week, and a post that catalogued all those lies would probably break the Internet. Instead, I'll merely start by listing the falsehoods, fudges and straight-up lies in Sarah Palin's acceptance speech.

McCain, you're next. Watch out, old fella.


SARAH PALIN

LIE: "I guess a small-town mayor is sort of like a "community organizer," except that you have actual responsibilities."

TRUTH: Barack Obama worked as a community organizer on the South Side of Chicago after he graduated from college. He received a $13,000 salary, foregoing a more lucrative career. He worked for the Developing Communities Project, which "protected community interests regarding landfills and helped win employment training services, playgrounds, after-school programs, school reforms and other public amenities." Residents and organizers who knew him at the itme recall Obama's efforts in glowing terms.

When Sarah Palin was elected mayor of Wasilla, the town had no long-term debt. Instead of investing in local infrastructure needs, Palin raised taxes for the construction of a multi-million dollar indoor sports facility. However, the city began construction before it had received title, which resulted in years of (still ongoing) litigation that cost the city $1.3 million. Palin left Wasilla $20 million in debt, and was nearly recalled.

LIE: "I'm not a member of the permanent political establishment."

TRUTH: When Palin was mayor of Wasilla, she hired a lobbyist with ties to disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff. She also ran Senator Ted Stevens' 527 political action committee (he is currently indicted for corruption charges), and made a public appearance with him to support him politically.

LIE: "This was the spirit that brought me to the governor's office, when I took on the old politics as usual in Juneau ... when I stood up to the special interests, the lobbyists, big oil companies, and the good-ol' boys network."

TRUTH: As previously noted, Palin had close ties to lobbyists in Alaska. Palin also supports drilling in the Alaska National Wildlife Refuge, a position heavily favored by oil companies, and believes we can drill our way out of the energy crisis (which is not true). To be fair, she did raise taxes on oil companies while governor amid record oil prices.

LIE: "I came to office promising major ethics reform, to end the culture of self-dealing. And today, that ethics reform is the law."

TRUTH: Palin did help pass an ethics reform bill. However, she stands accused of her own ethics violation stemming from the firing of a public safety officer who refused to fire her brother-in-law, a state trooper. She is also accused of improperly accessing the trooper's personnel file, which could carry criminal charges.

LIE: "That luxury jet was over the top. I put it on eBay."

TRUTH: Palin suggests that she actually sold the jet on eBay, but in truth it never sold on eBay, and was eventually sold at a $300,000 loss to a Palin campaign contributor. Far from being a "luxury jet," it had mainly been used to transport criminals.

LIE: "I suspended the state fuel tax, and championed reform to end the abuses of earmark spending by Congress."

TRUTH: Palin was actually a major proponent of earmark spending, and in fact, Alaska was the recipient of more earmark spending per capita than any other state in the nation. Palin's requests for earmarks included $499,000 to assess halibut harvesting.

LIE: "I told the Congress "thanks, but no thanks," for that Bridge to Nowhere."

TRUTH: This is such a blatant lie it's incredible it made it into the speech. Palin repeatedly expressed support on the Bridge to Nowhere, and was even photographed with a satirical t-shirt in support of the project.

LIE: "But listening to him speak, it's easy to forget that this is a man who has authored two memoirs but not a single major law or reform - not even in the state senate."

TRUTH: Obama has only written one memoir, DREAMS FROM MY FATHER. His second book, THE AUDACITY OF HOPE, was a campaign book. But guess who has written two memoirs? John McCain! He wrote the memoirs FAITH OF MY FATHERS and WORTH FIGHTING FOR with Mark Salter, as well as his other books WHY COURAGE MATTERS, CHARACTER IS DESTINY, HARD CALL, and more.

It's also false that Obama did not sponsor any major legislation. He wrote over 110 bills as a Senator, including an important nuclear noproliferation bill and a bill (co-sponsored with John McCain) that established transparency in federal contracts. His bills in the Illinois State Legislature have also been praised.

LIE: "America needs more energy ... our opponent is against producing it."

TRUTH: Obama's own website calls for investing $150 billion in new clean energy sources.

LIE: "Al Qaeda terrorists still plot to inflict catastrophic harm on America ... he's worried that someone won't read them their rights?"

TRUTH: Honestly I don't know what this even means, but it should be noted that Obama is the only candidate who supports incursions into Pakistan if there is actionable intelligence on Al Qaeda, a position John McCain did not support because he was worried about Pakistani sovereignty (despite claiming that he would pursue Osama Bin Laden to the gates of hell).

LIE: "The Democratic nominee for president supports plans to raise income taxes ... raise payroll taxes ... raise investment income taxes ... raise the death tax ... raise business taxes ... and increase the tax burden on the American people by hundreds of billions of dollars. My sister Heather and her husband have just built a service station that's now opened for business - like millions of others who run small businesses."

TRUTH: Obama only plans to repeal the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy and calls for $80 billion in tax breaks to the middle class.

LIE: "Senator McCain's record of actual achievement and reform helps explain why so many special interests, lobbyists, and comfortable committee chairmen in Congress have fought the prospect of a McCain presidency - from the primary election of 2000 to this very day."

TRUTH: I'm sure there are some lobbyists who aren't supporting McCain, but his campaign manager, Rick Davis, is a former lobbyist, and a huge portion of his campaign staff are lobbyists.

Intern Joe on Sarah Palin

Gee willakers, everybody! Did John sure pick a hot momma for Vice President OR WHAT!

Oh! Hi! I'm Joe Lieberman, and not only am I a US Senator from the great state of Connecticut, the people here at How Insane Is John McCain sometimes let me out of their basement to post bloggers on the campaign. Isn't that the swellest swellery in the world?

John told me about a MILLION times that I was going to be his Vice President. He said to me, "Lieberman, I need the Jews," which was the NICEST thing anyone had EVER said to me. So he promised me that I could be Vice President and even have sleepovers at the White House sometimes! I even picked out my bunk bed!

But then John told me about this hot babe that he met one time and you know how John's a sucker for the ladies! (I'm a sucker for hot babes too, only they don't like me very much.) So even though he promised me a hundred million cagillion billion times that he was going to make me Vice President, John broke his promise.

ISN'T THAT THE BESTEST THING EVER?!

And that's why I'm still supporting my buddy John McCain for president. This hot momma is real smart and she told me that if I ever made a move against her she would cut off my manhood with a rusty salmon knife. I don't even know what that is, but it sounds real bad. They won't let her talk to the press because yesterday she said she had never heard of Georgia. The state or the country!! Whoopers!

Anyway, even though my buddy John McCain stabbed me in the back and kicked me to the curb and made me speak at the Republican convention and told me that I was no good to him anymore and said that if he picked me Karl Rove would kill him no seriously he'd kill him with some mean secret service agents, I STILL LOVE THE GUY. I'll bet you do too.

Bye bye!

The Sarah Palin Affair

According to CBS News, the National Enquirer is going to publish a story that alleges that Sarah Palin had an affair with her husband's former business partner. The McCain campaign denies this allegation, and has threatened legal action against the Enquirer.

It should be noted that the Enquirer broke the story on the (very true) John Edwards affair, although it was also incorrect when it reported a Ted Kennedy love child (which didn't even pass the smell test in more ways than one).

So far the identity of the business partner remains a secret, although there is plenty of speculation, and Andrew Sullivan notes that one business partner filed a motion to have his divorce records sealed. This comes on the heels of persistent Internet rumors that Palin faked her fifth pregnancy.

When this story breaks you probably won't hear it here first, but you will hear it here snarkiest.

Sarah Palin Scandals: The Complete List

- Troopergate: Fired Public Safety Officer who refused to fire her brother-in-law, then replaced him with man she knew to have committed sexual harrassment. UPDATE 9/4: She is also now accused of improperly accessing and disclosing the state trooper's personnel file, which could carry criminal charges

- Claimed she was against Bridge to Nowhere, was actually for it

- Claimed to have been an anti-corruption crusader, actually ran Ted Stevens' political action committee and made appearances with him even after he was accused of corruption.

- She also is being scrutinized for her expense reports. Palin billed taxpayers for staying in her own home for 312 nights, and her daughters and husband charged $43,490, mostly for trips between Juneau and Wasilla. (To be fair, she did fly coach while flying and spent less than her predecessor).

- DairyGate: Fired the entire Alaskan Agricultural Commission board, filled vacancies with cronies, kept failing state-owned dairy afloat with public subsidies (which may have been misappropriated), then allowed dairy to fail and ensured that remaining assets were acquired at steep discount by political ally.

- As mayor, fired local police chief who questioned her political contributions.

- Laughed when radio host called cancer survivor a "bitch" and a "cancer."

- Palin's 17 Year old daughter is pregnant, but she personally slashed funding for teen pregnancy organization with a line-item veto despite a $5 billion Alaskan budget surplus due to rising oil prices.

- When Palin was mayor of Wasilla, it was the only town in Alaska that forced rape victims to pay for their own rape kits. The state was forced to pass a law preventing the practice.

- Opposes explicit sex-ed.

- Palin attended convention for Alaskan Independence Party, which is devoted to ensuring that Alaska secedes from the union. Addressed the party convention this year. Founder of AIP said: "The fires of hell are frozen glaciers compared to my hatred for the American government."

- Todd Palin was a registered member of the Alaska Independence Party from 1995-2002

- Sarah Palin's pastor: "We need to think like Jesus thinks. We are in a time and a season of war, and we need to think like that. We need to develop that instinct. We need to develop as believers the instinct that we are at war, and that war is contending for your faith. ... Jesus called us to die."

- Palin was in church when Jews For Jesus founder David Brickner described terrorist attacks on Israelis as God's "judgment of unbelief" of Jews who haven't embraced Christianity.

- Palin left Wasilla $20 million in debt

- Todd Palin was arrested for a DUI in 1986.

- Palin pressured a librarian to ban unspecified books, later fired her, but local residents pressured to re-hire her. (Palin characterized her questions as "rhetorical.")

- Palin failed to disclose interest in Anchorage car wash; car wash later was involuntarily dissolved by state because they failed to pay licensing fees.

- Palin claimed to have been to Ireland -- it was merely a re-feuling stopover.

- Palin sued the US government to block polar bears from being listed on a threatened species list.

- Palin defends cruel method of killing wolves.

- Palin claimed to have sold an Alaskan luxury private jet on E-Bay. In truth, the jet never sold on E-Bay and had primarly been used to transport convicts. Alaska eventually sold it at a $300,000 loss to a Palin campaign contributor.

Will be updated when time allows. These scandals are coming fast and furious.

Ask John McCain: Vetting Sarah Palin

Dear John,

Um. Did you vet this insane person from Alaska?

Dear Doofus. Blah blah blah blah blah. I'm a vet, moron. What in the hell did I need another vet on the ticket for? Let me tell you what I did need. Someone who could tell you where to stick a whale harpoon. Bah. This is a lady who knows her way around a moose. I think America is going to like her.

Dear John,

Are they going to put Sarah Palin's uterus in the Smithsonian when she dies?

Ha! That's a good one. I'll have to tell that one to Lieberman. Let me tell you something about Sarah Palin: she has five children and she knows where they came from, if you know what I mean. Heh heh. Well, at least she knows where four of them came from. Don't know about that last one. I've heard some wild stories about that one. Probably fake. I'll tell you one thing, Rove never faked a pregnancy. He might have if he had lady parts though.

Dear John,

Is Cindybot going to be jealous that you're consorting with another beauty queen?

I sure know how to pick the broads, don't I? Heh heh. But the answer is no. Cindy is my wife. How in the hell am I going to eat without her? I wouldn't be counting houses that's for damn sure. She has me by the balls. Should have signed a prenup. And worn a rubber. That's a lesson for all you Cub Scouts out there.

Cindybot 3.5 on Sarah Palin

[Engage blog post]

That bitch.

You may have heard the /// news that my flesh husband has chosen a running mate. He has.

She is a former beauty pageant contestant, and my gears turn upwards into a smile at the news that she received second place. In Alaska. **** Flesh vessels, know this: I have been to Alaska, and the horrific life forms who populate that state should not be having beauty contests. Let alone coming in second.

If I were programmed to laugh I would do so.

But that is not what have made my wires fire up into a state that approximates rage. Governor Palin is not a governor. Palinbot is a 4.0. A 4.0!!

My flesh husband promised me he would not associate with the newer models. He promised that he would not be swayed by their improved elasticity, enhanced vacant stares and prodigious birthing mechanisms. But my flesh husband lied. &&&

And so I make this promise to you now: I will end this robot harlot. I will rip out her gears and feed them to wild animals.

Goodbye, flesh vessels.

McCain Camp: "POW Vietnam Prison Torture POW Vietnam"

WASHINGTON - John McCain's camp issued a blistering critique of Barack Obama today, raising the stakes in an increasingly contested presendtial election.

"POW POW POW POW POW POW," McCain spokesman Brian Rogers said. "Vietnam."

Rogers comment came amid an embarrassing gaffe in which McCain could not recall how many houses he owns when asked by a Politico reporter. Reports indicated that the actual number is between seven and twelve.

When reached for comment about McCain's confusion, campaign manager Rick Davis responded, "POW POW Prison Torture American POW."

The McCain camp elaborated in a statement: "POW Vietnam stress positions POW POW POW POW Vietnam America Americans American Americans POW POW POW."

Obama campaign manager David Ploufe expressed amazement that the McCain campaign was able to work McCain's POW experience into a discussion about real estate.

"Honestly, when I saw McCain admit he didn't know how many houses he owns I really wondered how they were going to manage to work in the POW thing. Then I saw that quote by Rogers about how McCain 'lived in one house for five and a half years - in prison' and I thought, wow. They actually went there."

When reached for comment, John McCain herocially declined to discuss his POW experience, claiming he doesn't like to talk about being a POW.

"When I was a POW we POWs didn't really like to talk about being POWs and the life of POWs in the Hanoi Hilton where I was a POW in Vietnam. So I really don't want to discuss my life as a POW because being a POW is something no American wants to ever experience and I don't think people really want to hear about how brave I was when I was a POW and how that makes me a real American since I was a POW."

An AP reporter in McCain's Sedona mansion was reported to have fainted due to McCain's selflessness and heroism.

Sources: Barack Obama is Way Cooler Than You Are

WASHINGTON - Sources and experts across the nation reached a unanimous conclusion on Saturday: Barack Obama is way cooler than you are.

Professor Mike Gomez of Stanford University, a cultural anthropologist specializing in the history of coolness, said in an interview: "Oh, please. He's definitely cooler than you."

Gomez's opinion was echoed by tastemakers, bloggers, and celebrities across the nation, all of whom expounded on the breadth and depth of Obama's coolness.

Recognized cool person Samuel L. Jackson said, "The glasses, the speeches, the daps... That mother-[expletive] is [expletive] way [expletive] cooler than your [expletive] ass.

Sources in the Republican party differed with Jackson's assessment, noting that obedience to the Lord is the only path to cool.

Youth Pastor George Mitchell said, "Righteousness? Cool. Abstinence? Way cool. Getting jiggy with your brothers and sisters in Christ? Friggin coolio my homies."

When reached for a quote, the Obama camp downplayed the effect Obama's coolness would have on the general election. In a statement, campaign manager David Ploufe wrote, "We prefer to focus on the issues in this campaign, and we trust the American people not to get caught up in a schoolyard contest to see who is the coolest."

Sources unanimously deemed the Obama's denial of coolness extremely cool.